About Me

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It's not. About me, I mean. Really!
I avoid labels when possible, but here goes: SWF, 40'ish, 20 year Navy veteran. I have an inner ham and her name is Ms. Piggy.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

What does it all mean?

OK, sorry if the title misled you into thinking this would be some terribly introspective and world shattering hypothesis of the meaning of life, the universe and everything.

These are the lyrics to the last stanza of "Tradition Of Love", by The Pretenders. I've been looking a while for the translation or meaning behind them; anybody here have a clue?

Shri gouranga
Jaya gouranga
Gour gour gouranga
Gour gour gouranga

Entry for December 20, 2005

Yahoo 360 is finally closing it's doors after leading us all along forever. I wish them well in their suicide, their abuse of our loyalty will not be forgotten.
Just the same, 360 was the germ for many of our flowering. I don't think Yahoo corporate ever saw just how cohesive a block they were helping people knit and therefore failed to realize what they were casting assunder.

Lori and many others saw the writing on the wall long before the rest of us and forged ahead to lay new ground for us all to alight. Let's hope Blogspot maintains loyalty to what helped give them birth.

Wow, December '05; my first Y360 blog entry. Hard to put myself back in that timeframe, so much water under the bridge! I prefer to look ahead now, but my perspective of that time is a very scared (but very stubborn) wtfnotaguybutmaybeagirl who had acheived an epiphany that made moving forward towards self an unavoidable imperitive.

Some losses that yes, I still mourn; but no regrets. Physically I'm really pretty happy with where I am, though it's hard to say what an influx of cash might do to that, lol. I think I could still pull off a Lara Croft look, wuddayathink?

There's already such a vibrant community here; maybe we've simply outgrown the need for such a monolithic presence as Y360?

For your edification, a repost of my first foray into the ether. Yes I cribbed the first verse, but the rest is mine:

My energy's spent at last
And my armor is destroyed
I have used up all my weapons and I’m helpless and bereaved
Wounds are all I’m made of
Did I hear you say that this is victory?

We kick and scratch and claw to naught but a jack-a-nape toy.
Damn the darkness, I'll not slip quietly to gray autumn!

A summit, gilded through haze, taunts me nonetheless.
E'er the veils do press before me, e'er will I hack them away. Sword slivers in my hand, breastplate cruel to my flesh; cast them away.
But a blazing heart to crest the mount, cherished affectations paper-thin.
Stand at the climax and shout to the ether, dare you cast me as chaff to the wind! Fates howling at tempest, trembling and steadfast I am lashed.
Chaos ebbs to dawn, blackness fades to light.

Enveloped in tranquil stillness, husks litter my feet.
At the nadir, many tiny eyes, like lasers aspire to the summit. Seeming unbidden from my breast, a gilded light pours forth.
The tiny eyes shine with purpose, and gazing back, the summit shines anew.

And I descend the other side, summits ahead in my gaze.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Somewhere between Venus and Mars

This was all inspired by the lovely Lori D and her experiences re acclimating as herself in a man's world. See her handy (couldn't resist) blog at http://lorisrevival.blogspot.com/2009/05/real-nail-biter.html

Coming to terms with men and how they look at you as a woman is some strange territory at times. I have a feeling it's not very different for natal women but seeing it from a transwoman's perspective has got to be stranger still. Sorta like going backwards through a revolving door....

I think most of the guys who knew me before transition publicly refrained from making many comments afterwards; if they showed too much interest I think it would make them feel marked as gay. There are these ugly gag videos that seem to be making the rounds lately that point this out. A lovely woman is shown in various erotic situations meant to titillate and get the ole' male juices going, but once the hook is set ultimately the video reveals she has a penis; to which the caption "YOU'RE GAY!!!" is flashed on the screen. Lovely.....I feel like we get set back another 15 years with each one.

But those men that did say anything to me were clearly opinionated in how they thought a woman should show herself and unfortunately most were pretty sexist about it. One friend surprised me when he told me my chest was too big; I was still wearing falsies at the time and it never occurred to me at the time that some men don't like bigger boobs.

But most of it I could understand and pretty much expected. What I wasn't prepared for was my own reaction when I realized I was being seen as desirable by men. Some just flat creeped me out, but there have also been some who really put the kettle on boil! My desire to not be seen as a sex object collided with the fact I was enjoying the attention; my signature line was pretty apropos there, "Stop doing that some more"!

The hardest thing I found to deal with among men was still disclosure. I don't know where my sense of this falls amongst other transwomen; but I have always been pretty paranoid about not wanting to mislead any men. Too many stupid dead tranny movies I guess.

I once went to a party that was thrown by the coworkers of my roommate at the time. It was one of the first social functions I attended here in my town with people I really did not know. My roommate had made it clear who I was with most everyone she worked with but it was a pretty big crowd and I knew there must be people there who could not have known. I had some jitters upon arriving, but we had found a place to sit and I was starting to relax. Along that time an attractive man came up to us and in greeting us he gave me a nice hug; then before I had a chance to think about it he gave me a nice kiss square on the lips! Well, I panicked a bit, not sure if he realized what he was doing in front of all his friends. I'm hopeful that I retained some composure and didn't make him feel like I thought he was being gross.

It wasn't until after the party that I had a chance to ask my roommate about him and the incident. As it turned out, he knew exactly who I was! The only thing he cared about doing was making me feel welcome since I was a friend of a friend, he didn't care what anybody else thought about it. Wow....

Seeing just how bad women do have it sometimes in a man's world, it's easy to get on the "us against them" wagon going the other way; I have to admit to riding for a while. Once after a rant from me about what pigs men can be, the same roommate at the time remarked; "Gee, you're gonna be pretty smart once you get a pussy"! ULP!!

Both sides get some share of crap in the gender battle. I'll be glad for anything that tears down the divisions; who knows, maybe we'll have some part in this.....

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Just for fun

The Force Is Strong In This One
Electronics Store Canada
Customer: “Hello, I would like to return this item.”
Me: “Ok, what was the problem?”
Customer: “I just don’t need it anymore.”
Me: “Ok, do you have the receipt?”
Customer: “Yes, here it is.”
Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t return this. It’s from six months ago.”
Customer: “Yes you can…” *waves hands in the air*
Me: “I’m sorry, no I can’t. I would get in a lot of trouble.”
Customer: “No you won’t…” *waves hands in the air again*
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m not going to do that.”
Customer: *turns and leaves*
Me, to coworker: “Did I just get Jedi mind-tricked?”

For more retail hell:

Sunday, May 24, 2009


I recently lost the best roommate I've ever had, for some reason she thought she oughtta go back home...gee, thanks Kim! LOL So I'm looking again.

I have a nice home in Lake Havasu City, Arizona. I am looking for a new roommate, and I would prefer a TG person. Must be reliable, neat and clean, with a verifiable source of income to pay bills. No drugs and no smoking in the house, caged pets are welcome. Rent amount is negotiable, but I like to use a flat rate that covers ALL your bills; rent, utilities, ALL FOOD AND DRINK, laundry facilities, and included high-speed internet service. Phone and television service would be your own responsibility if you need them. If you agree to the flat rate idea, right now I am asking $625.
The rented room is 11 X 11, carpeted, with a small closet. You have your own private full bath directly adjacent to the room. A corner unit desk and full size bed can be included for no additional charge. 2 closets seperate from the bedroom are available for your use, as well as a small amount of garage space for storage (parking is in the driveway). Outside of this, you have full access to the home, with the exception of my bedroom/bath, and the third bedroom, which is my workspace.
I insist things in the general living areas be kept neat and clean. Basically this just means you need to be able to clean up after yourself at all times, and help with a little household cleaning. I work from home, so I am usually present but I will respect your privacy. Email me here or putergurl@hotmail.com.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Oh gee, she's spawning!

Just a heads up about my new blog, "Marie is Flickle", flickleputergurl.blogspot.com. Cinema related drivel from a 'Zonie in the boonies.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Gee, I wanna take a shower!

The Doctor's Instructions (cribbed from email)

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Patel about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Patel advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Patel's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, " Hickory dickory dock...."

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Crosspost from PinkEssence, sorry so long!

I was recently asked to share my experiences with HRT, so I thought I'd add my $.02 here if anyone cares to read. As much of our experiences go, mine was very similar yet slightly different from most. Perhaps the differences are more in the telling, but who knows. At any rate, I can corroborate what most of the other posts here have already mentioned, so I'll try to only share what I found was different.

I would also like to mention that I'm no expert and I don't consider my own experience or anyone else's to be a tutorial on HRT. These are powerful drugs with the capability of affecting far reaching negative consequences . You must do your own research, be your own advocate, and get professional medical assistance; at the very least have regular blood checks (every 3 months minimum to start) and wellness monitoring done. I DO NOT recommend self medicating, but I know it happens so regardless of how you get your hormones, your doctor MUST KNOW what you are doing in order to be able to help you.

I very recently had the experience of watching a friend who had been self medicating on far too high a dosage, end up in the hospital with massive blood clots in her lungs. Guess what, she smokes too! She now can never go back to HRT without causing herself imminent danger. She is now permanently shut off from one of the most beneficial avenues in transition. PLEASE QUIT SMOKING AND GET MEDICAL HELP!

Because I live in a remote area, there are no experts immediately available; I knew that I would be teaching my doctor as much as anything, I wanted to give my doctor the best impression that I was facing this in an informed and cautious manner. These dosages were all on my own behest after at least a year of intense research on my own about hormone regimes and it's possible effects given available knowledge and my known medical history. I do know for example that I have always had very immediate and strong reactions to any medications, in other words they have always had their prescribed affect immediately and with relatively low dosages. I also do not smoke, and anyone who does is exponentially increasing their risks on HRT.I feel the extra time involved in getting up to my current dosage was a pittance compared to the lifetime I'd waited to start. I won't mention exact dosages or meds here; again I do not feel this should be a tutorial on what to take, you've got to do your own research on what will help you most.

I would also mention that I began my own regular measurements using a cloth tape measure, of the typical 3 points used for bra fitting, as well as waist, buttocks, and thighs. Just try to be consistent on where and how you measure.

After a full blood test, I initially started on only a low dosage of an antiandrogyne 1/2 of the minimum recommended dosage, taken daily. I remained on this for 30 days, paying attention to side effects. As expected, I saw an immediate diuretic effect, and increased my water intake to compensate. I now keep 3 large cups of water, one at my bedside, one at my desk, and one at my dresser; I commonly drink them all every day as well as water with meals or whenever I'm thirsty.

After the initial 30 days with no unexpected side effects, I also began a very low dosage of an estrogen, approx. 1/3 of what my expected maximum dosage should be, and again 1/2 of the recommended minimum dosage.

After another 30 days (now 60 days total), I increased the antiandrogyne to the minimum recommended dosage. This was followed for another 30 days.

Now at 90 days with no uninteded effects, I returned to the doctor after getting another full blood test. My T levels were already within female norms by now, and lipids had not been adversely affected. We therefore kept the antiandrogyne at its current dosage, and increased the estrogen to the minimum recommended dosage.
After another 30 days, I increased the estrogen to it's current dosage, which is now 2/3 of the maximum recommended dosage, though still at least 1/2 of what I hear some are taking.

I stayed on this dosage until my next 3 month checkup and bloodwork. Both E and T levels were within normal female range, and it was now that I requested starting a progesterone, again half of the minimum recommended dosage; this was continued for 30 days, after which I went to the full minimum recommended dosage. These dosages have been what I have followed for the past 3 years.

As mentioned by others, in the beginning much of the initial feelings are at least possibly psychsomatic. But I did have a marked sense of peace develop over the very first week, the feeling that a weight had been lifted from my soul. As the antiandrogyne began to affect me I became much more calm; this has been the single greatest blessing to me.

By the end of 3 months, spontaneous erections had ceased and the diuretic effect had seemingly plateued. I was also feeling the beginnings of a nodule forming under my nipples, though I cannot say I felt any increased sensitivity.

By 6 months, ejaculate was becomming clearer and any erection required direct stimulation. I have always had soft skin, so that effect was hard to judge. I did however have drier and clearer skin, and was now able to cease the topical acne treatment I had been using most of my adult life. I have also been relatively hairless on my chest all my life, but other body hair was certainly becomming softer and easier to shave. Facial hair was totally unaffected by the hormones, but I had also started laser sessions 6 months previously, with marked patchiness beginning to show. I also began to notice decreased upper body strength. The nodules under my nipples had become larger, they were also beginning to 'get in the way'! While tactile sensation did not increase, my breasts were certainly sensitive to being bumped or jostled. It wasn't really painful but certainly grabbed ones attention; I began to call doors 'booby traps', lol!

At the end of one year, people who had not seen me for some time were noticing marked changes in my face. I now could see nice rounded thighs when I sat down, in fact my derriere and thigh measurements had far outpaced my breast measurements! I still have not had any great increase in weight, thank goodness my ectomorph physique did not seem affected. The nodules in my breasts had expanded and flattened, becomming disks under the nipples; while not as great as I would have liked my areolas had expanded and darkened some and nipples were slightly larger. Body strength had certainly decreased, but not debilitatingly so. I just needed to use leverage more often and take more trips to move things. I also began to get accustomed to asking for help, that was a big cultural shift for me!

I am now 3 years into HRT. Breasts are no longer sore or tender, nicely rounded and a full A cup. Larger would have been nice, but I like that they are all mine and seem proportional for my physique. I do know that the C-cup I thought I'd want seems way too big, if I ever get BA I'll stick with a B-cup.The only unwelcome change I have to mention is my nails. Despite progesterone, and daily vitamin supplements, they are slow to grow, and extremely thin and brittle. Skin is definitely drier, moisturizing and exfoliating is a constant routine. With less coarse body hair and regular shaving I do get constant remarks about my skin, though I still don't believe it's any softer than when I started.
Erections still happen though much less readily. I wasn't really hoping to retain this, but I'm not unhappy that I have. Ejaculate is almost nonexistant, that alone has been extremely welcome; I never liked the messiness before and having it go away has seen sex become much more pleasant for me. Orgasm is just as most have already mentioned, but I would add that in the right circumstances I am at least somewhat multi-orgasmic!
Mood change has still been the greatest gift of all. I did not see great mood swings, I attest that to my gradual hormone regime. I am certainly calmer, though I feel less focused sometimes. My son clearly got his ADHD from me, and that has become more of a challenge for me than it was before. Instead of mood swings, I do find my emotions are much more accessible. I really 'feel ' again, when before I usually just felt dead. It's not out of control, but I can cry much more easily, both in happiness and in sadness. Yeah, I 'get' chick flicks now :D

Thursday, May 7, 2009

What's in a name, Dues Ex

This is a fun topic for me, fun because my chosen name seems so fateful, melodic, and true to myself all at the same time. Though it has touches of the tragedies that befall all our lives, I think the story is fun too. The impetus for posting this was reading Katie's latest blog post, http://in-myown-skin.blogspot.com/2009/05/whats-in-name.html

I was originally named after my birth father, I had his first and last name. He was killed (so Mom said) shortly after my birth, and my 1st stepfather legally adopted myself and my 2 sisters, giving us his last name. He also had a family tradition of assigning middle names of boys according to the names of US presidents, and I was given Thomas as homage to Thomas Jefferson; something I eventually carried forward when naming my own son Zachary.

Some time after this, my one older sister Julie was struck and killed by a drunk driver while crossing the street in front of our house. This left me as the oldest child in the family; though I was still very young at the time, I am to this day impacted by haunting memories of my older sister. Though their marriage eventually disintegrated as a result of this, I was left with my stepfather's surname for the rest of my younger life.

I served 20 years in the US Navy. Anybody military knows that when you report to any duty station, you typically get assigned a nickname. You can choose to accept the name or live in hell for the duration of your tour, since your discomfort will be readily apparent and capitalized upon to cause you grief!
My first shipboard assignment after training was in 1984 on a fast-frigate stationed in Hawaii. A popular TV show at the time was called "Riptide". In it, the main characters had a nerdy but loveable computer geek sidekick named Murray. One evening on duty shortly after reporting, this was our choice of entertainment. Someone in the group watching noted my resemblance to Murray and I was therein christened!
Despite, or because of the unflattering resemblance, the name stuck. REALLY stuck! My own name at the time largely stopped being used for anything but official correspondence as I was always introduced to all my social and work contacts as Murray. My first wife (in a convenience marriage) as well as my second wife (who was both a cast off love interest of my first wife and introduced to me by her) both knew me and introduced me to their families as Murray.

During my first marriage (one of convenience), my lesbian 'wife' helped me explore my fem self, and by extrapolating my nickname we came upon Marie as my first fem name. It's definitely fem, and I really took a liking to it right away.

I had several nicknames through childhood as well; it never seemed difficult or weird to accept all these different names; I wonder if perhaps this is a symptom or contributing factor to my lack of an identity that I……err, identified with ?

Many of my childhood and young adult fantasies revolved around magical or accidental transformations (gee, ya think?). For lack of a suitable female example, I therefore always identified most with Spiderman as a superhero figure. Around the time after my second wife left to be with women and before I had started transition, I was briefly involved with a man who was also a Spiderman fan. I took to calling him Tiger, and assumed the initials MJ.

My mother was killed shortly before my second wife left me. One of her longstanding unresolved wishes was that one of us name a child after our sister Julie. This had not happened yet amongst my siblings, and obviously I could not give my son Julie as any part of his name.

When it finally came time to decide my name, Marie was a given as a first name. I never had any real connection to my stepfather's surname, so I ditched it and took my birth father's last name. My middle name was trickier; it just seemed too morbid to take my sister's name directly, yet I wanted to retain it and 'J' as a middle initial. Hence Marie Julieanne Aponte was christened.

To this day I really love my name; the only difficulty has been that people often assume my first name to be Maria, given that my last name starts with A I can see that.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

She's baaaaack!

My departure from Yahoo360 has seen me expand my presence online again. I think I've posted and commented more these past couple weeks than I have in a year! It's great being back in touch, I had not realized how much 360 was hampering my desire to communicate. The flip side is that my drivel is now afflicting you all again! Just remember you can always tell me "Can it, shmanit, Janet"!

I'm on a Rocky Horror Picture Show bend again lately, immersing myself in the movie and it's details in preparation for using it as part of the entertainment for our local Pride group festivities in September. Columbia will be DJ'ing the dance, and I'm hoping to get enough participation to perhaps do a couple skits from the movie. We'll at least be doing the Time Warp again!

The pic is from last year's Fetish and Fantasy Ball in Las Vegas, myself on the left with some other denizens of the event. Jack was really cool, but his emotions are sorta one dimensional, lol! I'd love to be in a regular troupe doing RHPS, but nothing like that exists here in the boonies, perhaps I can get one started?

Anyhow, my resurgence here is a reflection of my own recent efforts to regain my footing, rediscover myself, find my mojo; whatever you'd like to call it. It comes after a period of time where whoever 'Marie' is has been defined through participation in the more mundane things that supposedly make up a life; work, dating, etc. The spectacular failures that have occurred for me in dating, coupled with the stresses today's economy has put on us all, have made me realize I still have been framing things in some of the same paradigms that I used before transition. It's been leading me away from a trust in pursuing the Way, towards the same cynicism and isolation that plagued me then too; gee, big surprise! See, transition does not cure all your problems ;)

Call it The Way, The Secret, following the Goddess, divine inspiration, whathaveyou. I credit this cosmic flush in my attitude to a figurative smack-upside-the-head I received from my good friend Kim Pearson. I accompanied her while she participated in the filming of a segment for an upcoming National Geographic special regarding gender (details forthcoming in another blog). She is the executive director for Trans Youth Family Allies (http://www.imatyfa.org/), a group that I believe is doing more towards our future than anyone realizes. They need all of our support, so if you can spare anything, PLEASE GIVE!

Kim is one of the most positive people I know, and just a bit of time with her lately has been enough to re-kindle my own spirit. Some chicken-therapy with Lori D, the love and support of the rest of the 'coop, as well as a few other very special people have helped too.

I've not had the chance to ask her for permission to point out her blog, so I will keep the source anonymous. Another lady amongst us has seen the joy that comes from leading a life complete. As further testimony to what can happen when we give of our own self and trust in the bounty that faith can bring, I'll finish this with my response to her:

It's fabulous seeing your progress! I can still recall your setting out; you have really broken some molds :) You are beginning to see what the complete you can really do, unhobbled by leading a false life. You're completion is seeing you gain an aura that others will see and respond to, you only need have faith in yourself for it to show.

Something I began to notice when my own blossoming was going on, is how uncommon this seems to be amongst people in general. I feel we trans-people sometimes think we are the only ones with identity issues and unresolved ambitions; I think the truth is that most people harbor these things to some extent.

So as others here have mentioned, yes we are indeed blessed. Even those who maintain their duality for whatever reason can take heart from realizing we DO enjoy a gift. Who else get's to see life from the variety of perspectives we do?

Society's problems with us can cloud that if we let it; but it really is their problem, we are not the aberration. Tempered with humility and grace towards others, our positive energy is a catalyst to others as well as an unlimited source of strength.

Rock on babe!