About Me

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It's not. About me, I mean. Really!
I avoid labels when possible, but here goes: SWF, 40'ish, 20 year Navy veteran. I have an inner ham and her name is Ms. Piggy.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

I've lost it

I've been actively dating now for over a year; and I've been wanting to share my experiences here for some time. Both to help some of you see what you have to look forward to, and also to seek help, suggestions, and commiseration about dealing with some of the things I've encountered.
I recently wrote the following letter to somebody who is interested in dating me, he is getting serious very quickly. Of course, I've sanitized it of his info, and it's missing the introduction paragraph:
Have you had experience with transwomen before? Even if you have, I would appreciate if you spend some time on this website:
Still, I'd like to explain about SRS/FFS. SRS is Sex Reassignment Surgery, one of several names for the surgery to construct a vagina in place of my penis. FFS is Facial Feminization Surgery, the variety of procedures that correct underlying masculine features in the face. Despite what you may think of my appearance, I am sensitive about those characteristics I do still have that are distinctly male.
When someone is interested in me because I am TS, rather than seeing me simply as a woman, I am suspicious of how they will feel when I pursue these surgeries. Even when someone may state they believe it won't make a difference, I am still reserved in my belief that it will hold true when that reality occurs. I fully believe in your sincerity and good intentions, but it's not so easy to grasp this reality before it happens.
My own transition has seen me change my outlook on things I previously thought would never change. Hormones are indeed powerful, there has already been a fundamental rewiring of how I look at things. I can see other changes still gradually taking place as well. Indeed, I AM becomming the woman I always thought I was, not so different from any other woman you might have encountered.
By necessity, primarily out of honesty, I must identify myself as TS; but the whole reason I am pursuing this is because I am a woman, that is my essence. ANY male qualities I may still possess are likely things I am trying to erase; so when a man states he enjoys being with me because of any of those qualities, it doesn't bode well for the future. I will likely lose those qualities, and any I do not I would rather not be reminded about. So I have to ask; when I am no longer the person or no longer look like what the man was initially attracted to, will he stick around? When my marriage dissolved, I lost the ability to believe in forever from anybody.
So there you have it, that says what my insecurities are when I begin to get to know a man. As I re-read it, it sounds dead on right too; I don't think I've ever set it down in writing so clearly. I have yet to see my suspicions about these things be denied in my experiences with other men. Perhaps I am causing some of it myself because of these insecurities; but they are there nonetheless and this is what WE would have to overcome.
How you feel about having sex with someone who was previously male, how you will feel about seeing old pictures of me, how you will deal with your own family and loved ones, these are also questions for me. I cannot obliterate my past, I don't wish to. All the things that have transpired in my life have made me who I am, I am not ashamed of them. I am very open about myself with everyone; I refuse to hide anything anymore. Will you be able to be so open with your family and friends about me?
.....sigh! If I have not scared you away yet, I applaud your willingness to listen about my baggage. I wish I could forget all about these things and simply be seen as a woman with someone from the outset. But if I refuse to part with my past, that can never happen; it will always be a fundamental part of how I must deal with others.
"I lost the ability to believe in forever from anybody". That is what I was referring to in my blog title. I had a little epiphany while writing this letter, summarized in that statement.
It's emblematic of what has been going on for me with everyone. I don't really trust anything anyone tells me anymore. I try to lead with trust, and at least outwardly believe in what people say to me. But deep down, there's a seed of disbelief, the certain knowledge that they will eventually show that they didn't really mean what they were saying or what they promised after all.
And from that seed lies the plant that always turns into a redwood between us. I cannot truly let myself go to anyone anymore. There's always something in reserve, locked away from exposure. The little pink fleshy thing that feels like it's been steamrolled and BBQ'ed so many times is what I do put out every time, and every time I reel it back in and pick the grit out of it. Then I send her out again. Does it always get kicked back because it doesn't go out with that other locked up part?

Thursday, January 17, 2008


OK, I'm normally too vain to do something like this, but for fun I'm ready to take one for the girls!
First, I saw Li'l Lori D put up hers, then I saw Jamiegotagun, and a couple others. So here is kooky Marie's morning mug shot on her way to glamor. Maybe we can have a competition, wuddayathink? If this doesn't turn back the trannie-chasers, I don't know what will, lol!
Speaking of, one day I was talking on the phone to my brother who lives in Oregon. He was telling me about his car troubles and he says, "The trannie went out in my car...". Sometimes lightning strikes between the 2 lonely neurons in my head; it did this time and I instantly piped up, "That's okay, I go out in my car all the time!" Now that's funny right there, I don't care who you are, lol. Oh come on, laugh!
OK, what do you call two crossdressers wrapped in aluminum foil?
A TV dinner, bwaahhhh!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Empathy and guilt

This is a book recommendation, mostly meant for those TG's who are married. It's something I wish I had read long before my marriage disintegrated. The link is to the Amazon web site, but you can possibly shop for the book cheaper.
The empathy many of us have, by nature, I think is a reflection of our feminine selves. This same empathy may lead to guilt within ourselves for the position we put our wives into by pursuing transition or crossdressing. For myself, I blindly felt I understood my wife's position. After reading this book I found that there were facets to a woman's upbringing that I hadn't even considered, which were impacted by my crossdressing and transition. Despite our feminine natures, since we were not raised as women we cannot possibly see all of the ways this may be affecting our wives.
The guilt we feel is understandable, but if you wish to have true empathy with your wife, I think you must understand her position better. This book may help you do so. I must also remind you all that an experienced counselor can be invaluable at a time like this. We may believe we have control of the situation we are in with our family, and we want to solve 'the problem' by ourselves. I believe this is a naive, 'throw on the toolbelt' attitude, possibly something we have ingrained as a result of our male upbringing. What your wife needs more is for you to understand her position. A counselor can provide an objective viewpoint that will help you understand each other better. I must stress that an EXPERIENCED counselor is imperitive, particularly one who has experience with gender and sexuality issues; but any competent unbiased counselor should be helpful.
While not impossible, it still isn't a statistically likely outcome that your marriage will be saved and you'll grow old together as women. Sometimes we may be trying to fix our marriage not because of our love for our wife, but because of the guilt we feel for having caused it's dissolution. We don't want it to be 'our fault'. While GID may be the cause of your marriage not being retrievable, the GID is not your fault. You must also look honestly inside yourself to see what end outcome your transition will have on you and your wife's sexuality. All the love in the world will not change the fact your wife married and wants to live with a man. But if you and your wife have the true desire to live, love, and grow old together as women, I hope this advice helps.
Two years later, if I knew I could do it with peace of mind, I can say I would still have given up transition to have kept my family. That wasn't an option, but I do wish I had found outside help for us both.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Marie's Milk Chocolate Philosophy

OK, the pic and the video are besides the point, lol! Poor wittle bunnies!!
By way of definition, 'cisgendered' is the term one can use to describe a person who has a homogenous gender identity and biological gender. I'm not big on labels, but it will help simplify what I am about to explain.
One of the things you may have the hardest time getting across to others, as a TS, is how our sexual orientation is completely seperate from our psychological gender. Another thing that is hard to get a cisgendered person to understand, is how our psychological gender can be seperate from our physical gender.
"Marie's Milk Chocolate Philosophy" is something I came up with to help explain this.
As a child, what is the first type of chocolate you ever encountered? Most people will readily pipe up with 'milk chocolate'. Between Halloween, Easter, and Christmas, one can hardly escape first being exposed to chocolate in this form. Yeah, there'll always be some wise-ass who says "Cocoa"! But most would agree that milk chocolate is what we first came across.
So after we encountered milk-chocolate, as far as we were concerned in our unexperienced child mind, that was 'chocolate'. If someone at that point tried to tell you that what you thought was 'chocolate' was actually a mix of two things, and not really just chocolate at all, you might not believe them. You might not even care, since you enjoyed milk-chocolate so much. You may have even avoided other forms of chocolate, writing them off as 'not real chocolate'. After all, we as people tend to consider as alien anything that is challenging to our current understanding of something.
But as time went on, we were able to see and experience chocolate, and milk, in all their various and wonderful forms. Dutch chocolate, white chocolate, dark chocolate, sweet and semi-sweet chocolate! White milk, chocolate milk, goats milk, frozen milk, half-and-half! We had visual and tactile proof that 'chocolate' was indeed two things completely seperate from one another. We also realized the great variety of these two things and found the value and validity in each of their different forms. Some of us may have even found that we preferred other types of chocolate over milk chocolate!
Yet without those visual and tactile things to help us understand, it is very difficult for us as people to give validity to the seperation of something we consider so elemental and indivisible.
I think most of you can run with that from here......whadda ya think?