About Me

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It's not. About me, I mean. Really!
I avoid labels when possible, but here goes: SWF, 40'ish, 20 year Navy veteran. I have an inner ham and her name is Ms. Piggy.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Call me Ms. Dolittle

Some time ago when returning from Glamis, CA after dropping my son off with his mother (Glamis is our prescribed meeting place, being midway between San Diego and Lake Havasu City), I came across my Bull snake, Carly. She was stretched across the road, sunning herself as I passed. I thought I had run her over, but I went back to look anyhow. She was fine, and I had a sturdy bag from my car cover in the trunk to take her home with. Some of you may recall my saying she was a Corn snake, but I have recently found out that was incorrect. The only thing of note that makes different, is that her maximum length she may reach has now been revised up nearly another 2 feet from her current 67" length!
Well, here's a new chapter in my story of animal magnetism! This adorable bird, an African Gray parrot, came into my yard this week, all on it's own. Obviously either abandoned or lost/escaped, he is tame as can be. I carefully put my hand to him where he was perched, he climbed right on my hand and basically has not left my side all week!
The poor guy had to stay in a box overnight, but I found a nice new cage the following day for only $40. It's actually a rodent cage, but suits him just fine. I wasn't about to shell out $200+ bucks for a cage when somebody might come for him!
Of course, I reported it to the local animal shelter; but at this point I really hope nobody comes for him! He's apparently very young, and has only started to vocalize, though he doesn't say any words yet. After myself, my roommate and her daughter brainstormed a bit, we've mostly settled on Gandalf as a name :) How do I know it's a boy? The same way I knew Carly was a girl, women's intuition, lol! It's possible to sex them, but who cares? Sort of fitting that I might have gender confused animals for pets, eh?
This all reminds me of my father, who we lost in 1998 to cancer. He was a bird fancier and always had one or 2 cockatiels or other birds about. I'd never thought about keeping one myself, their exhorbitant price tags usually made me pass them by in the pet store. Can't beat this price, so what the hey, and they say pets make you live longer!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Columbia Rides Again!

In what has turned into an annual event for me, I made it once again to the Las Vegas Halloween Fetish and Fantasy Ball this year I've been going since the 2006 event, and have had a fabulous time every year.
I nearly did not go. Financial constraints (like the rest of us), not being able to get a new costume, as well as a case of the funks brought on by my boyfriends family (long story), all had me questioning the wisdom of going. Thankfully, Mari (she's the gorgeous Pixie on the left), and my friend Eden who was also coming from San Diego helped convince me to go. Columbia (from Rocky Horror Picture Show) was pressed back into service as my costume again this year .
It was a great decision! In my typical fashion, a planned 10AM departure time ended up stretching to almost 4PM But this still left plenty of time to visit and go out for dinner with Mari, and get ready for the Ball which started at 10PM.
This year's event was held at the Las Vegas Sport Center, one of their long-time locations. They have really outgrown this location, and they have tried other venues in recent years. But with last year's venue having been a minor disaster they wisely went back to what works this year. The 2006 event was the most successfully I've seen, but that was held at the now demolished Stardust hotel/casino.
Still, it was a great time!! Mari's friend Jenna (the babealicious angel on the right) joined us all the way from Maine! We spent the first part of the event getting drinks (long lines) and watching the shows going on, as well as the circus of people around us. See the website for the event, http://www.halloweenball.com/ for more info about the acts that showed up this year, as well as pics from prior years events (I'm in the 2007 pics ). Within a few weeks, they should post pictures of this year's event.
After tiring of walking around in sexy but less than comfortable heels, we all found a tiered podium where we could sit and watch the parade go by. It turned into a great spot, with the three of us drawing a constant crowd taking pictures with us! I'm certain the event photographers caught us all at least once, so we'll no doubt be in the 2008 pics on their web page.
We eventually ended up back on the main event floor, being just in time to catch some of the wickedest acts there, including Rubber Doll and FAQ, Chain Goddess, Perish and Mycol Fire. The Time Warp Players did a fair rendition of 'The Time Warp', but they were conspicuously missing Riff-Raff, Columbia, and Magenta! I would have liked to do my best to represent Columbia, but I got a little , BACAAWK!
We finally ended up closing the show after 4AM, and went to a Denny's for some breakfast. Only in Las Vegas could we all have shown up at Denny's in full regalia, and nobody batted an eye!! I was actually a little chagrined at this, my inner ham was tempted to burst into a 'Time Warp' routine right there to make up for my earlier timidness! I'm sure Mari and Jenna will thank me for my restraint later .
So there you have it! If any of you would like to attend next year's event, start making plans NOW! Watch the web page for announcement of the location and get reservations if it's held at a hotel/casino. This is way more convenient than driving in costume to the event. Tickets typically go on sale immediately after they announce their location, and will be much cheaper than their at-the-door or last minute prices. Get your costume idea and go for it! With a little creativity, you can make your own as I did (expensive, but it looks fabulous!), or apply some polish and pizazz to a packaged costume. I'm sure to go again, all things willing; I'd enjoy meeting you there!
I don't know if this link will work, but the event photographers are posting pics at their web site, we are in there:

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


What do you get if you stuff a chicken in your bra?
Chick-a-D's!!!!!! BA'CAAAWK!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

(letter to a friend) Heartsmile!

Hi L That's what I call it when something makes me smile inside, it was like that seeing your message in my inbox here :)
I know all too well the place you find yourself. What begins as a pleasant diversion becomes a burning question of identity. As time goes by, we stack the scales with reasons why on one side, and why not to pursue our selves on the other, looking for something to tip the scales and tell us which way to go. It reminds me, oddly enough, about an old Popeye cartoon. While chasing his nemesis Bluto, Popeye comes upon a very small bedouin tent; when he looks inside the tent it is bizarrely huge and spacious, but when he looks outside again, it's still just a small tent. All the concrete reasons we set up to try to make sense of it all mean nothing, because it still just is.
I know the precise moment when I knew that I had to pursue the person I'm unfolding into. All those concrete reasons I'd set up to deny myself had finally been stripped away. Still, I struggled for nearly 3 months directly with the question of whether to transition or not. I often wonder what it was that finally tipped the scales for me, I'm still not certain. But I woke up with a bolt one morning around 3:00 AM, finally seeing with clarity of vision what it was I should do. The only thing I've come to surmise is that I finally knew what I wanted, with no excuses or justifications one way or the other about what others wanted.
It sounds so selfish on the outside, because it is all about one's self. I think I realized the person I thought I would be taking away from my loved ones would cease to exist anyway if I didn't let myself be.
Two years later, there are still things I lost from transition that give me great sadness, but I have no regrets. It just is what it is.....

I've probably iterated all this before, but what the hey. No, it's not to Lori, lol!

Friday, August 15, 2008


I've always thought I resembled Demi most, this is the first pic to have her chosen tho. Kate Beckinsale? Woot-woot!


Monday, June 9, 2008

OK, in case you haven't caught wind of this, there is apparently a cult of transgendered chickens running about! That's right, roosters dressed as hens, and some of them have even had surgeries to remove their combs! Goodness knows where this might go, but for those who don't believe, take a look at this!

We absolutely must ensure these new sisters are welcomed to the community with open......wings?
Hmmmm, wings........

Friday, June 6, 2008

The big purple dragon

I love fantasy artwork, and sometime ago when I was putting together a MySpace page, I came across this one. It's come to be the embodiment of GID for me, a face to the monster we all fight and deal with. Email me if you like and I'll attempt to send the full jpeg.
With my having entered transition some 2 years ago, and things generally going well enough, my dragon has become a bit sleepy. An occasional snort here and there was all I've heard for a while.
After attending IFGE in April, along with the tremendous struggles, trials and successes I've been witnessing from my friends, and finally my own recent relationship issues; the slumbering dragon seems to be waking. I'm seeing how terribly relentless it is, how beautiful it can be, yet how sharp it's talons!
Where'd I put Hrunting?

Monday, June 2, 2008

Poultry Patrol

Photo courtesy of Mari!
In yet another breakthrough poultrytudinous event, a pair of hens flew the coop and showed up at the San Fransisco Gay Pride event this year!
These hens really went all out in a brave show of Poultry Pride and point to the groundswell of T-chickens that won't be silenced and simply must cluck out!
Rock-on TChicks!!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

He found me!

The picture is the sunset from atop Friendly Isle, a very small island in Lake Havasu. There are more great pics from that day, but that one is possibly the most scenic; I'm a sucker for sunrise/sunset pics, anyhow! I always try to appreciate them when I have the time to watch, I think of them as a gentle reminder that for every end, there is always a fresh start around the corner.
I'm a bit of a movie nut, so I sometimes tend to frame a lot of references around my favorite movies. The day I took these pictures, I was reminded of the movie, 'What Dreams May Come'. For those who have not seen it, amongst other things, the movie speaks about the eternity of our souls, and the immutable bond that soulmates have to each other.
My soulmate has found me, his name (in this life, anyhow!) is Steve. Late last month, he proposed to me, and sealed it with an engagement ring earlier this month! Yes, I accepted!!
We are both Aquarians, and love the water. We've been looking for a place on the lake where we can hold our ceremony; Friendly Isle, where the picture was taken, is now our first pick! It's accesible only by boat, so the marriage party is going to be necessarily limited, but we are planning to return to and hold a reception at a beach (Rotary Park) back in Lake Havasu City.
We had been hoping to do this perhaps this fall, but given the level of preparation required to pull this off, it looks as though it may be next spring before we can do this with good weather. I'll post more info as we figure it all out, but anybody who knows me is of course invited! Attendees outside the marriage party can certainly come to the island for the ceremony, but you will have to find your own boat ride there! Given the people each of us knows in the area, there may be some opportunities for this; I hope to have a count of people with a boat who do plan to attend that can spare a seat. At any rate, the reception will have plenty of room for anyone who wants to attend.
That's the story thus far, keep an eye out here for a date! Thanks in advance for all your well wishes!

Friday, May 23, 2008

And then he left me!

That's right, no wedding, engagement called off.
The whole relationship was built over a lie.
I forgave him the lie, but he couldn't get over the guilt, so he left. Great solution, huh?
I'm beginning to understand why so many of us are trans-lesbian! Men suck. It gets clearer every day (and I'm happier for it) that I never was one. What don't guys understand about total honesty?
My heart is crushed, but my spirit says, "Fuck it". I guess I'm getting used to people walking out on me.
On a good note, I got the job to uninstall/transfer/install the check-out lane media kiosk equipment from our local WalMart to it's new location at our soon-to-open Super Wallyworld. Good stuff$$
It's pouring rain here in the desert.
Have a great weekend everyone, I see a marathon gaming session in my plans!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

By popular demand!

OK, maybe it wasn't a huge demand.....OK, it was just Mari that asked! Well, she's very popular as far as I'm concerned, she's been on Lori TV for cryin' out loud, lol!
With all due props to Emma Ross (please see her page at TransSpace, link above), the writer of this little ditty, I present to you The Tranny Girl Song! Remember this must be sung with the typical Monty Python lilt as in The Lumberjack Song!
The Tranny Girl Song
I'm a tranny girl, and I'm okay. I club all night. I shop all day. Admirers : She's a tranny girl, and she's okay. She clubs all night and she shops all day. I shave my legs. I eat my lunch. I go to the lavatory. On Wednesdays I go shoppin' And have beans and hash for tea. Admirers : She shaves her legs. She eats her lunch. She goes to the lavatory. On Wednesdays she goes shopping And has beans and hash for tea. Chorus : She's a tranny girl, and she's okay. She clubs all night and she shops all day. I shave my legs. I stride and stomp. I like to hunt wild foods. I put on denim trousers And hang around in woods. Admirers : She shaves her legs. She strides and stomps. She likes to hunt wild foods. She puts on denim trousers And hangs around in woods?! Chorus : She's a tranny girl, and she's okay. She clubs all night and she shops all day. I shave my legs. I wear steel boots, A tool belt, and hard hat. I wish I'd been a woodsman, Just like my dear Mama. Admirers : She shaves her legs. She wears steel boots, A tool belt, and hard hat?! Chorus : She's a tranny girl, and she's okay. She clubs all night and she shops all day. Yes, she's a tranny girl, and she's ok-a-y. She clubs all night and she shops all day.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

And now for something completely different.....

After seeing a post where the Monty Python Lumberjack song was altered into a decidedly more trans-related bent, I think I have a case of the sillies again ;)
So by way of explanation, my daily blast will now contain the more ridiculous of subject lines taken from my daily ration of spam emails. Just checking if you're all paying attention, lol. Enjoy!

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Please Beware

Hi all
I have had the unfortunate pleasure of encountering some web-nastiness recently. It's taken the form of someone with a blank Yahoo profile named Mark Y, who has somehow gleaned personal information about me and my friends. This person is now using that information and embellishing it with misinformation in an apparent attempt to cause me grief via my friends.
I won't indulge this persons efforts by commenting here, the purpose of this blog is simply to warn my friends. Please check your Yahoo page security features and ensure that you are only allowing accepted friends to comment on your blogs. Please ask and I can provide a detailed written step-by-step for doing so if you need it. This is a good step for anyone to take in any event.
Furthermore, I would not in the least be offended if you removed me from your friends list. Of course, I would hope you could supply me with alternate contact information so that we do not lose contact!
Thanks for listening, let's be careful out there!

Friday, April 18, 2008

More dating quandaries

OK, here is another issue some of you may encounter. I am currently involved with a guy named "Bob", his sister is "Sarah". "Sarah" has a husband named "Gary". Read her first message at the bottom, then my reply
Here follows the email conversation....
Hello Sarah
Thank you so much for sharing with me, I feel like we are well on the way to really understanding each other and hopefully being good friends. I SOOO value a genetic woman's friendship and openness, it helps me in learning at least a tiny bit of what I was denied while growing up. Even though I was made to culturize as a male, I have always felt more kinship with other women. I feel so bad for my four sisters sometimes, because I understand and sympathize for the raw deal that women get in our culture. There were abuse issues of every sort for my sisters (and myself, but that's besides the point) while growing up. They have all four had a rough row to hoe.
I won't presume to say I know the depth of your struggle, but I can say I truly believe you in every aspect of what you say about it; I would never discount any of that. Rather, I am in awe of what you've accomplished despite it all, and proud to know someone of your strength and resilience. It's a very small percentage of people, male or female, who can overcome all of what you have.
I hope that you might read this straight through, though I know it is long. If you want the simple answer to your question about why I feel the need to 'advertise' my identity, then page through and look for the asterisks '*****'. The short answer is there. 'True Selves' will elucidate and back me up on this, which is why I so want you to read it.
There was a little girl once, who, despite everything she knew to the contrary, was forced to deny and subjugate herself, her very identity and essence, because she was born with the opposite genitalia from her mind. As she grew in this confused state, even her body rebelled against her mind and formed into the genetic male I physically became. Every Christmas, every birthday, every trip to the store for clothes, every day in school when the girls didn't want to play with me though I didn't want to play with the boys. Every time I looked in the mirror, absolutely everything was a denial of who I felt I was, such that I stopped believing it and pushed that identity to a very dark place I thought it could never escape from.
I don't think I was ever considered a very manly man, but I became convincing enough that I could function pretty well in this man's world (as much as women might want it to be different, it still is that way). I did some notable things in my 20 year military career, and enjoyed more than the average share of success.
That career and the family life I started was for a very long time, enough to distract me from my identity questions. But eventually, any career draws to a close. Mine did, and at that point, only my family life was left as distraction from the need to be myself. Both my parents were gone at this point, my father taken by cancer, my mother by foul play. My own mortality was becoming evident to me. I treasured my family greatly, coming from the similarly broken family life you did, I wanted that stable family life for myself and my child that I was denied. Had that family also lasted, I might never have pursued transition.
But at some point, my wife's sexuality struggles became too much for her and she declared the need to leave me and pursue a life being with women. I cannot deny culpability in this, my identity struggle was making me so miserable, I was climbing into a bottle to escape it and making others around me miserable. At any rate, it was only after this happened that I pursued transition.
It might seem a blessing, that I could grow up with white male privilege. And I understand how some women might feel I am an interloper, now 'infiltrating' the life of a woman. I won't deny there were indeed some compensations in growing up male. But all my successes were empty to me, I never felt they were 'mine'.
'Cisgendered' is the label used to define people who have a homogenous gender identity and biological sex. A cisgendered woman feels like a woman, and has the body of a woman; the male bodied cisgender identifies as male.
The most common mistake among cisgendered people is to fail to separate gender identity from sexuality (I'm sorry Sarah, but nearly the first words you said here did just that when you pegged this as a sexuality issue!). Therefore, it becomes easy for the cisgendered to assume that a transgender person should be able to 'hide' their being transgender just as a homosexual person can hide their sexuality. If one can ignore the stereotyping of gay and lesbian people, you know that a person's sexuality is invisible, a woman who is lesbian does not 'look' inherently different from a straight woman.
The issue here is identity, not sexuality! If you read straight through this letter (or if you go back now and do so) you will see that at every turn, identity, not sexuality, is the 'issue' for me.
According to most people I meet, I "pass"; in other words, I look like a woman to most everyone around me. I don't know if you believe this, I don't believe I do "pass", but for the arguments sake I will concede that I do, and Gary, for example, will not question I am simply a woman.
Perhaps, by virtue of my favorable genetics, people believe I am simply a woman (again, I don't believe everyone sees this). This is gratifying, but if I identify as truly a woman to people I meet, I am lying. I am hiding my identity, past and present, from others. My sexuality is nobody's business but my own, and certainly doesn't need to be advertised. But my identity is not the same thing. If I am asked, "What did you do in the past for work"?, sure, I could play off that I was in the military for 20 years as a woman (again, a lie, but let's just play along with society here, right?) The next question is commonly, "Did you and your husband have children"? I could lie here for conversations sake to bypass the issue, but would YOU deny your own children's existence? The next question is commonly, "How old is your son and/or where does he live"? My son lives in San Diego with his mother..........
Lie after lie is compounded, almost instantly. I'm not being asked to simply hide who I go to bed with, I'm being asked to hide who I am. I just got done NOT hiding that I am female, should I now hide that I WAS male?
Alone by myself, I could go out to social events and be approached by men who see me as a woman. Again, it's gratifying, but let's face it, men are not particularly discriminating, are they?!! lol! "oh gee, look at the tits, yep, must be a girl!"
I could let that go, and say yes, I am a woman. Then I go out with the guy, who has proclaimed to all his buddies that he is "going out with the hottie by the pool table"!
If he and all his friends believe this, then he and I go out and perhaps some petting begins to happen. If I have really 'fooled' him this far (the standard accusation for those girls like me who have failed to "ADVERTISE" who they are), by now he finds out I have a penis. That's how girls like me end up dragged on a chain behind some stupid homophobic redneck's pick-up truck.....
All of what I have said can be dismissed as fervor rhetoric by an interested party. Perhaps it is, but it is nonetheless the truth.
So let's say we go out on our motorcycle outing this coming weekend, and Bob and I take a spill. Knocked unconscious, with my clothes ripped off my body during the spill, you and Gary come back to help. What then?
Granted, as an exact example this is an unlikely scenario. But it doesn't take much imagination to see the lesser circumstances where this might surface anyhow. If I play along with those who want me to simply be silent, I am then disclosed as a liar and pervert when others find out...... all my fault. I could live with this, I already knew that my label at that point would put me at fault. What do you want to do with the fact you already knew? What then, does Bob do ?
If you did so, thank you for reading all of this.
Subject: Just a question about something
Hello there,
I know that the struggles you have with your particular sexuality issues have made life pretty different for you both. God knows that I should be more screwed up than I am considering the background. I guess I am different and cope differently. I was doing some pretty crazy and destructive sexual things but I think that *** really did wake me up. I wanted more for him and realized that if I did not fight for him he would end up in a bad place. So I chose conservatism in life and stability over everything to change things for myself and my children.
Here is my question. I really do not discuss things of a sexual nature with everyone because it really is not anyone’s business but mine. I have been really open about sex with my kids because I did not want any teenage parents or dead people due to transmitted diseases. So far so good with that. They can come to me with problems [like *** had recently] and tell me anything and I do not judge or shun them.
When you are transgender, why do you feel that everyone needs to know every little thing? Also, another subject I have been mulling over….. If Marie is going to eventually have her operation and fully change gender, why would you look back and need to let people know about any change. I am not saying it is anything to hide, please do not misunderstand me…… I just do not understand the compulsion for everyone to know every detail of your private life.
I hope you do not take this the wrong way. I just don’t understand it.
Gary has been won over by the great person Bob is and he sees that he has lived on his own and is a stronger person. He respects that and loves Bob for the great guy he is. He trusts the person and he also can see the close relationship we have. That is the way Gary is and it will not change.
So, what is wrong with leaving well enough alone and just looking ahead? When I was in counseling the person told me that some things are just better left alone. I was so mad at Mom for so long for being weak. Guess what? If you want a relationship with a weaker person you have to make it work and shield them from things they are not equipped emotionally to hear about. Mom still does not acknowledge my years of drug abuse and crazy living. It never happened in her little world. So is it wrong to shelter this person? She had a sick [tuberculosis bedridden for lots of her childhood] mother who died when she was 12, lived with an alcoholic father off and on, and most of the time with whatever relative would have them. She then married our father who was overbearing and often just mean to her. She did the best she could.
Anyway, I am so thinking of this stuff all the time that it is waking me up at night. So, think about this and let me know your opinion. I am open to everything but that is because I am really beyond being shocked. I have pretty much seen it all……. Sadly. I want to have a perfect little life in my next life. Ha ha. This life has been good but the hard stuff is so hard. I could go for the mindless life with no trouble and everyone in my life being happy all the time. Is there such a thing?
Oh well, I will sleep better now that I have unloaded some of that. Now it’s your turn….. Sorry. Love and hugs to you both.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Pure friends, IFGE, and that strange chicken cult!

There is the link for the IFGE conference I attended this year, this is my chance to finally blog about it all a bit. There is so much that is flowering out of my attending the conference, that I doubt I could blog about it all, but here goes!
The picture shows Lori, Nichole, Tiana, and myself. In my mind I've very affectionately dubbed us the 4 musketeers, but perhaps it should be the 4 caballeras?
I met so many fabulous people at IFGE, but we were a core group of girls who spent a larger amount of time together there. Lori, Nichole, and I shared a room, Tiana was directly across the hall. Previously, we had all at least briefly met here in 360, via our 'hub-girl', Lori, lol! At IFGE, we finally met in real-time, and quickly solidified a wonderful friendship and sisterhood.
In such a short time, we shared so much with each other; about ourselves, our experiences, our dreams, hopes, pain and fears. Being transgendered was our initial commonality, but we transcended that and shared our humanity.
I have been living full-time for approximately 2 years, I transitioned in this same town I currently live in. All my long-time friends, and of course all of my family, knew me before transition. Our relationships are influenced by what they knew of me before. For them I can never totally be a woman they know as Marie; to some extent I'll always be the guy they knew that turned into Marie.
So one of the things I realized about the people I was meeting at IFGE, is that we were enjoying a relationship based wholly on my being myself, with no prior knowledge of who or what I used to be. And these 3 women were my first 'pure friends'! They knew me only as Marie, and I was meeting their 'True Selves' ;)
The signposts in the paths these women are travelling are some of the same signposts I have recently passed, still fresh in my heart. In more than one moment alone, I broke down in tears for the pain I know these women, these dear friends, are going through.
I had some special times with all these women, singly and together, that I will keep as very special memories all my life!
IFGE was also a place for validation and affirmation. The presenters offered so much information, much of it was fairly in line with what I have gleaned on my own. I left with a renewed determination to get the SRS train rolling for myself, and more happiness in who I am than I've known for some time.
IFGE was my first large T related event, I am SOOOO happy I attended. Certainly anyone who is trans or interested in our issues should make the next big event they can!
Finally, I have to mention about something bizarre that was happening at the conference! Every once in a while, you could hear something that sounded vaguely like a chicken squawk! I also heard some strange mutterings about roosters dressed as hens!! If any of you hears further mention of this, I'd like to know more about it!

Friday, March 14, 2008

Stranger'er and Stranger'er

Ms. Kern apparently has her own 'gay agenda'. Excerpted from a post on TGO.
Sally Kern Scrubs Gay Son? http://www.queerty.com/sally-kern-scrubs-gay-son-20080312/

I truly just feel sorry for the lady, her son, and her family. The corner they've painted themselves into is narrow, cold and dark, with no room for anything but fear and hate.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


Still more hate, fear and misunderstanding in our elected officials!
SALLY KERN Ms. Kern's contact information: Capitol Address: 2300 N. Lincoln Blvd. Room 332 Oklahoma City, OK 73105 (405) 557-7348. District Address: 2713 Sterling Ave., Oklahoma City, OK 73127. Email: sallykern@okhouse.gov or srkern@cox.net

Saturday, March 1, 2008

More fun!

Calpernia is always a hoot, gotta love her! Yes, I think I've been asked every one of those questions\comments, too. Another that annoys me the most is, "Oh, it's ok, I have a gay ". To which I sometimes wish I could say; "Well, dorkweed, once again I've been shown that people are incapable of seeing the point behind a transperson, thanks so much for your condescending acceptance, you shallow $#%$"!
Happy TGIF to you all. I've had a very busy week, hope that explains why I haven't said much ;) I'm really looking forward to the IFGE conference now, 3 whole days with good people I don't have to hear those questions from! Just don't any of you ask me about computers, I'm not touching one of those then either!
Hugs n' love!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

A horrible loss

This news was passed to me by Kim Pearson, Executive Director of Trans-Youth Family Advocates (TYFA). She is also President of our Lake Havasu City PFLAG chapter and most importantly, a dear friend.
This follows the tragic loss of Ian Benson, son of TYFA's secretary/treasurer. Ian was a 16-year old affirmed male who took his own life in October 2007.
We see so many tragic losses in our community, for so many reasons; nothing said here should trivialize that. But I think we can all say that losing a child has to be the most grievous loss imaginable. These bright stars in our constellation have winked out, their shine is lost forever; all we have left is their bright memory.
TYFA is working to eliminate these losses, and is in turn creating a better environment for all of us. Nothing can change the mind of a parent easier than something that impacts their children. TYFA works across the country to bring understanding, education, and advocacy for trans-children of all ages throughout the gender spectrum. Their work is educating and changing the minds of parents and educators across the country. That greater understanding of our gender diversity is a huge boon to all of us.
TYFA started out as a grass-roots effort supported entirely out of the pockets of it's members. Their members travel across the country to schools and cities wherever their help is needed, providing training and literature; again, almost entirely funded by these wonderful people. They have seen many successes, and secured some considerable donations that have enabled them to continue their work. But they need continued financial support to maintain and expand their efforts.
Please take the time to visit their site, and give generously what you can towards their efforts. Spread the word to your own friends everywhere so we may continue to inform others of this fabulous resource; and convey TYFA's need for support.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Project an irrefutable female essence

First, let me say that I don't like to toot my own horn, so please don't take any of my comments as arrogance! But I think this picture is one of my first instances where I was truly projecting my own female essence, though at the time I thought it was simply because of how I was dressed.
In the movie "Beautiful Boxer", the transgender main character's male name is Nong Toom, her female name is Parinaya. Nong Toom is haunted throughout the movie by the elusive vision of herself. Once she accepts herself, the visions go away; until the poignant end of the movie. Parinaya is seen after her surgery, alone in her dressing room where she says goodbye to a vision of her old male self.
Though I have not yet had surgery myself, I find I am at much the same position. Parinaya's voyage of acceptance and realization is condensed into a movie, whereas my own is something that has been developing over a long period. The signposts in this voyage flash by ever faster as time goes on, I hope by explaining how some of them have passed for me will help any of you. I need to mark them down myself as well, and I think those reasons are why most of us blog here.
Approximately 2 years ago, as the last hindrances to entering transition (some of them self-imposed) dropped away, I was faced with accepting my need for it and facing my fears about doing so. Chief among the fears was my ability to 'pass'. Even before entering transition, I was so long caught up in the trappings of femininity; the clothes, makeup, walking and talking. I at first neglected to pay attention to or believe in my underlying female essence.
After accepting it, I began to see instances where that essence was evident to others, before hormones and without my even trying. My favorite involved my running into the local UPS office to drop off a package for shipment. After concluding our business, the clerk said "Thank you, Miss". With no makeup, collared shirt and men's pants and shoes. I certainly didn't think I was presenting a female vision. The only outward things possibly contributing to this were my long hair, my softening voice, the effects of many sessions of laser hair removal, and maybe that my shirt was purple! After getting over my desire to marry him on the spot, I said my thanks and left the store. Looking at this later, I realized I had stopped trying to be a guy any longer.
As Parinaya did, I was beginning to say goodbye to the male facade I had put up for so long. Realizing that it really was just a facade was scary in itself, as that facade has been my protection and face on the world for a very long time. Accepting and believing in my real female essence has been a gradual process, and it involves saying goodbye to that old comfortable facade. In what has been a sort of death to all of them, my friends have already largely said goodbye to my male self and begun to know my real self. Like saying goodbye to a loved one, I am still lingering over that old self a bit.
So the outer trappings are no doubt important, but just as vital is that self-acceptance and belief in your own female essence. When you believe in it yourself, and just relax, you will find it projects to the world. Even when others can 'read' or tell you are trans, your true essence will be irrefutable and those kind enough not to judge will respond.
I suspect these sorts of experiences are common to us all, so I (and everyone else, I think) would love to hear about others stories. Please tell us how your essence was revealed to you by others, when you didn't even suspect it was showing.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

I've lost it

I've been actively dating now for over a year; and I've been wanting to share my experiences here for some time. Both to help some of you see what you have to look forward to, and also to seek help, suggestions, and commiseration about dealing with some of the things I've encountered.
I recently wrote the following letter to somebody who is interested in dating me, he is getting serious very quickly. Of course, I've sanitized it of his info, and it's missing the introduction paragraph:
Have you had experience with transwomen before? Even if you have, I would appreciate if you spend some time on this website:
Still, I'd like to explain about SRS/FFS. SRS is Sex Reassignment Surgery, one of several names for the surgery to construct a vagina in place of my penis. FFS is Facial Feminization Surgery, the variety of procedures that correct underlying masculine features in the face. Despite what you may think of my appearance, I am sensitive about those characteristics I do still have that are distinctly male.
When someone is interested in me because I am TS, rather than seeing me simply as a woman, I am suspicious of how they will feel when I pursue these surgeries. Even when someone may state they believe it won't make a difference, I am still reserved in my belief that it will hold true when that reality occurs. I fully believe in your sincerity and good intentions, but it's not so easy to grasp this reality before it happens.
My own transition has seen me change my outlook on things I previously thought would never change. Hormones are indeed powerful, there has already been a fundamental rewiring of how I look at things. I can see other changes still gradually taking place as well. Indeed, I AM becomming the woman I always thought I was, not so different from any other woman you might have encountered.
By necessity, primarily out of honesty, I must identify myself as TS; but the whole reason I am pursuing this is because I am a woman, that is my essence. ANY male qualities I may still possess are likely things I am trying to erase; so when a man states he enjoys being with me because of any of those qualities, it doesn't bode well for the future. I will likely lose those qualities, and any I do not I would rather not be reminded about. So I have to ask; when I am no longer the person or no longer look like what the man was initially attracted to, will he stick around? When my marriage dissolved, I lost the ability to believe in forever from anybody.
So there you have it, that says what my insecurities are when I begin to get to know a man. As I re-read it, it sounds dead on right too; I don't think I've ever set it down in writing so clearly. I have yet to see my suspicions about these things be denied in my experiences with other men. Perhaps I am causing some of it myself because of these insecurities; but they are there nonetheless and this is what WE would have to overcome.
How you feel about having sex with someone who was previously male, how you will feel about seeing old pictures of me, how you will deal with your own family and loved ones, these are also questions for me. I cannot obliterate my past, I don't wish to. All the things that have transpired in my life have made me who I am, I am not ashamed of them. I am very open about myself with everyone; I refuse to hide anything anymore. Will you be able to be so open with your family and friends about me?
.....sigh! If I have not scared you away yet, I applaud your willingness to listen about my baggage. I wish I could forget all about these things and simply be seen as a woman with someone from the outset. But if I refuse to part with my past, that can never happen; it will always be a fundamental part of how I must deal with others.
"I lost the ability to believe in forever from anybody". That is what I was referring to in my blog title. I had a little epiphany while writing this letter, summarized in that statement.
It's emblematic of what has been going on for me with everyone. I don't really trust anything anyone tells me anymore. I try to lead with trust, and at least outwardly believe in what people say to me. But deep down, there's a seed of disbelief, the certain knowledge that they will eventually show that they didn't really mean what they were saying or what they promised after all.
And from that seed lies the plant that always turns into a redwood between us. I cannot truly let myself go to anyone anymore. There's always something in reserve, locked away from exposure. The little pink fleshy thing that feels like it's been steamrolled and BBQ'ed so many times is what I do put out every time, and every time I reel it back in and pick the grit out of it. Then I send her out again. Does it always get kicked back because it doesn't go out with that other locked up part?

Thursday, January 17, 2008


OK, I'm normally too vain to do something like this, but for fun I'm ready to take one for the girls!
First, I saw Li'l Lori D put up hers, then I saw Jamiegotagun, and a couple others. So here is kooky Marie's morning mug shot on her way to glamor. Maybe we can have a competition, wuddayathink? If this doesn't turn back the trannie-chasers, I don't know what will, lol!
Speaking of, one day I was talking on the phone to my brother who lives in Oregon. He was telling me about his car troubles and he says, "The trannie went out in my car...". Sometimes lightning strikes between the 2 lonely neurons in my head; it did this time and I instantly piped up, "That's okay, I go out in my car all the time!" Now that's funny right there, I don't care who you are, lol. Oh come on, laugh!
OK, what do you call two crossdressers wrapped in aluminum foil?
A TV dinner, bwaahhhh!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Empathy and guilt

This is a book recommendation, mostly meant for those TG's who are married. It's something I wish I had read long before my marriage disintegrated. The link is to the Amazon web site, but you can possibly shop for the book cheaper.
The empathy many of us have, by nature, I think is a reflection of our feminine selves. This same empathy may lead to guilt within ourselves for the position we put our wives into by pursuing transition or crossdressing. For myself, I blindly felt I understood my wife's position. After reading this book I found that there were facets to a woman's upbringing that I hadn't even considered, which were impacted by my crossdressing and transition. Despite our feminine natures, since we were not raised as women we cannot possibly see all of the ways this may be affecting our wives.
The guilt we feel is understandable, but if you wish to have true empathy with your wife, I think you must understand her position better. This book may help you do so. I must also remind you all that an experienced counselor can be invaluable at a time like this. We may believe we have control of the situation we are in with our family, and we want to solve 'the problem' by ourselves. I believe this is a naive, 'throw on the toolbelt' attitude, possibly something we have ingrained as a result of our male upbringing. What your wife needs more is for you to understand her position. A counselor can provide an objective viewpoint that will help you understand each other better. I must stress that an EXPERIENCED counselor is imperitive, particularly one who has experience with gender and sexuality issues; but any competent unbiased counselor should be helpful.
While not impossible, it still isn't a statistically likely outcome that your marriage will be saved and you'll grow old together as women. Sometimes we may be trying to fix our marriage not because of our love for our wife, but because of the guilt we feel for having caused it's dissolution. We don't want it to be 'our fault'. While GID may be the cause of your marriage not being retrievable, the GID is not your fault. You must also look honestly inside yourself to see what end outcome your transition will have on you and your wife's sexuality. All the love in the world will not change the fact your wife married and wants to live with a man. But if you and your wife have the true desire to live, love, and grow old together as women, I hope this advice helps.
Two years later, if I knew I could do it with peace of mind, I can say I would still have given up transition to have kept my family. That wasn't an option, but I do wish I had found outside help for us both.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Marie's Milk Chocolate Philosophy

OK, the pic and the video are besides the point, lol! Poor wittle bunnies!!
By way of definition, 'cisgendered' is the term one can use to describe a person who has a homogenous gender identity and biological gender. I'm not big on labels, but it will help simplify what I am about to explain.
One of the things you may have the hardest time getting across to others, as a TS, is how our sexual orientation is completely seperate from our psychological gender. Another thing that is hard to get a cisgendered person to understand, is how our psychological gender can be seperate from our physical gender.
"Marie's Milk Chocolate Philosophy" is something I came up with to help explain this.
As a child, what is the first type of chocolate you ever encountered? Most people will readily pipe up with 'milk chocolate'. Between Halloween, Easter, and Christmas, one can hardly escape first being exposed to chocolate in this form. Yeah, there'll always be some wise-ass who says "Cocoa"! But most would agree that milk chocolate is what we first came across.
So after we encountered milk-chocolate, as far as we were concerned in our unexperienced child mind, that was 'chocolate'. If someone at that point tried to tell you that what you thought was 'chocolate' was actually a mix of two things, and not really just chocolate at all, you might not believe them. You might not even care, since you enjoyed milk-chocolate so much. You may have even avoided other forms of chocolate, writing them off as 'not real chocolate'. After all, we as people tend to consider as alien anything that is challenging to our current understanding of something.
But as time went on, we were able to see and experience chocolate, and milk, in all their various and wonderful forms. Dutch chocolate, white chocolate, dark chocolate, sweet and semi-sweet chocolate! White milk, chocolate milk, goats milk, frozen milk, half-and-half! We had visual and tactile proof that 'chocolate' was indeed two things completely seperate from one another. We also realized the great variety of these two things and found the value and validity in each of their different forms. Some of us may have even found that we preferred other types of chocolate over milk chocolate!
Yet without those visual and tactile things to help us understand, it is very difficult for us as people to give validity to the seperation of something we consider so elemental and indivisible.
I think most of you can run with that from here......whadda ya think?