More fun!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOjeZnjKlp0
Calpernia is always a hoot, gotta love her! Yes, I think I've been asked every one of those questions\comments, too. Another that annoys me the most is, "Oh, it's ok, I have a gay ". To which I sometimes wish I could say; "Well, dorkweed, once again I've been shown that people are incapable of seeing the point behind a transperson, thanks so much for your condescending acceptance, you shallow $#%$"!
Happy TGIF to you all. I've had a very busy week, hope that explains why I haven't said much ;) I'm really looking forward to the IFGE conference now, 3 whole days with good people I don't have to hear those questions from! Just don't any of you ask me about computers, I'm not touching one of those then either!
Hugs n' love!
M

A horrible loss

http://www.thestar.co.uk/news/Gender-torment-of-10yearold-Cameron.3781793.jp
This news was passed to me by Kim Pearson, Executive Director of Trans-Youth Family Advocates (TYFA). She is also President of our Lake Havasu City PFLAG chapter and most importantly, a dear friend.
This follows the tragic loss of Ian Benson, son of TYFA's secretary/treasurer. Ian was a 16-year old affirmed male who took his own life in October 2007.
We see so many tragic losses in our community, for so many reasons; nothing said here should trivialize that. But I think we can all say that losing a child has to be the most grievous loss imaginable. These bright stars in our constellation have winked out, their shine is lost forever; all we have left is their bright memory.
TYFA is working to eliminate these losses, and is in turn creating a better environment for all of us. Nothing can change the mind of a parent easier than something that impacts their children. TYFA works across the country to bring understanding, education, and advocacy for trans-children of all ages throughout the gender spectrum. Their work is educating and changing the minds of parents and educators across the country. That greater understanding of our gender diversity is a huge boon to all of us.
TYFA started out as a grass-roots effort supported entirely out of the pockets of it's members. Their members travel across the country to schools and cities wherever their help is needed, providing training and literature; again, almost entirely funded by these wonderful people. They have seen many successes, and secured some considerable donations that have enabled them to continue their work. But they need continued financial support to maintain and expand their efforts.
Please take the time to visit their site, and give generously what you can towards their efforts. Spread the word to your own friends everywhere so we may continue to inform others of this fabulous resource; and convey TYFA's need for support.
http://www.imatyfa.org/index.php

Project an irrefutable female essence

First, let me say that I don't like to toot my own horn, so please don't take any of my comments as arrogance! But I think this picture is one of my first instances where I was truly projecting my own female essence, though at the time I thought it was simply because of how I was dressed.
In the movie "Beautiful Boxer", the transgender main character's male name is Nong Toom, her female name is Parinaya. Nong Toom is haunted throughout the movie by the elusive vision of herself. Once she accepts herself, the visions go away; until the poignant end of the movie. Parinaya is seen after her surgery, alone in her dressing room where she says goodbye to a vision of her old male self.
Though I have not yet had surgery myself, I find I am at much the same position. Parinaya's voyage of acceptance and realization is condensed into a movie, whereas my own is something that has been developing over a long period. The signposts in this voyage flash by ever faster as time goes on, I hope by explaining how some of them have passed for me will help any of you. I need to mark them down myself as well, and I think those reasons are why most of us blog here.
Approximately 2 years ago, as the last hindrances to entering transition (some of them self-imposed) dropped away, I was faced with accepting my need for it and facing my fears about doing so. Chief among the fears was my ability to 'pass'. Even before entering transition, I was so long caught up in the trappings of femininity; the clothes, makeup, walking and talking. I at first neglected to pay attention to or believe in my underlying female essence.
After accepting it, I began to see instances where that essence was evident to others, before hormones and without my even trying. My favorite involved my running into the local UPS office to drop off a package for shipment. After concluding our business, the clerk said "Thank you, Miss". With no makeup, collared shirt and men's pants and shoes. I certainly didn't think I was presenting a female vision. The only outward things possibly contributing to this were my long hair, my softening voice, the effects of many sessions of laser hair removal, and maybe that my shirt was purple! After getting over my desire to marry him on the spot, I said my thanks and left the store. Looking at this later, I realized I had stopped trying to be a guy any longer.
As Parinaya did, I was beginning to say goodbye to the male facade I had put up for so long. Realizing that it really was just a facade was scary in itself, as that facade has been my protection and face on the world for a very long time. Accepting and believing in my real female essence has been a gradual process, and it involves saying goodbye to that old comfortable facade. In what has been a sort of death to all of them, my friends have already largely said goodbye to my male self and begun to know my real self. Like saying goodbye to a loved one, I am still lingering over that old self a bit.
So the outer trappings are no doubt important, but just as vital is that self-acceptance and belief in your own female essence. When you believe in it yourself, and just relax, you will find it projects to the world. Even when others can 'read' or tell you are trans, your true essence will be irrefutable and those kind enough not to judge will respond.
I suspect these sorts of experiences are common to us all, so I (and everyone else, I think) would love to hear about others stories. Please tell us how your essence was revealed to you by others, when you didn't even suspect it was showing.

I've lost it

I've been actively dating now for over a year; and I've been wanting to share my experiences here for some time. Both to help some of you see what you have to look forward to, and also to seek help, suggestions, and commiseration about dealing with some of the things I've encountered.
I recently wrote the following letter to somebody who is interested in dating me, he is getting serious very quickly. Of course, I've sanitized it of his info, and it's missing the introduction paragraph:
Have you had experience with transwomen before? Even if you have, I would appreciate if you spend some time on this website:
www.tsgirlfriend.com
Still, I'd like to explain about SRS/FFS. SRS is Sex Reassignment Surgery, one of several names for the surgery to construct a vagina in place of my penis. FFS is Facial Feminization Surgery, the variety of procedures that correct underlying masculine features in the face. Despite what you may think of my appearance, I am sensitive about those characteristics I do still have that are distinctly male.
When someone is interested in me because I am TS, rather than seeing me simply as a woman, I am suspicious of how they will feel when I pursue these surgeries. Even when someone may state they believe it won't make a difference, I am still reserved in my belief that it will hold true when that reality occurs. I fully believe in your sincerity and good intentions, but it's not so easy to grasp this reality before it happens.
My own transition has seen me change my outlook on things I previously thought would never change. Hormones are indeed powerful, there has already been a fundamental rewiring of how I look at things. I can see other changes still gradually taking place as well. Indeed, I AM becomming the woman I always thought I was, not so different from any other woman you might have encountered.
By necessity, primarily out of honesty, I must identify myself as TS; but the whole reason I am pursuing this is because I am a woman, that is my essence. ANY male qualities I may still possess are likely things I am trying to erase; so when a man states he enjoys being with me because of any of those qualities, it doesn't bode well for the future. I will likely lose those qualities, and any I do not I would rather not be reminded about. So I have to ask; when I am no longer the person or no longer look like what the man was initially attracted to, will he stick around? When my marriage dissolved, I lost the ability to believe in forever from anybody.
So there you have it, that says what my insecurities are when I begin to get to know a man. As I re-read it, it sounds dead on right too; I don't think I've ever set it down in writing so clearly. I have yet to see my suspicions about these things be denied in my experiences with other men. Perhaps I am causing some of it myself because of these insecurities; but they are there nonetheless and this is what WE would have to overcome.
How you feel about having sex with someone who was previously male, how you will feel about seeing old pictures of me, how you will deal with your own family and loved ones, these are also questions for me. I cannot obliterate my past, I don't wish to. All the things that have transpired in my life have made me who I am, I am not ashamed of them. I am very open about myself with everyone; I refuse to hide anything anymore. Will you be able to be so open with your family and friends about me?
.....sigh! If I have not scared you away yet, I applaud your willingness to listen about my baggage. I wish I could forget all about these things and simply be seen as a woman with someone from the outset. But if I refuse to part with my past, that can never happen; it will always be a fundamental part of how I must deal with others.
"I lost the ability to believe in forever from anybody". That is what I was referring to in my blog title. I had a little epiphany while writing this letter, summarized in that statement.
It's emblematic of what has been going on for me with everyone. I don't really trust anything anyone tells me anymore. I try to lead with trust, and at least outwardly believe in what people say to me. But deep down, there's a seed of disbelief, the certain knowledge that they will eventually show that they didn't really mean what they were saying or what they promised after all.
And from that seed lies the plant that always turns into a redwood between us. I cannot truly let myself go to anyone anymore. There's always something in reserve, locked away from exposure. The little pink fleshy thing that feels like it's been steamrolled and BBQ'ed so many times is what I do put out every time, and every time I reel it back in and pick the grit out of it. Then I send her out again. Does it always get kicked back because it doesn't go out with that other locked up part?

One just for fun! WARNING, CRUDE JOKES AHEAD!

OK, I'm normally too vain to do something like this, but for fun I'm ready to take one for the girls!
First, I saw Li'l Lori D put up hers, then I saw Jamiegotagun, and a couple others. So here is kooky Marie's morning mug shot on her way to glamor. Maybe we can have a competition, wuddayathink? If this doesn't turn back the trannie-chasers, I don't know what will, lol!
Speaking of, one day I was talking on the phone to my brother who lives in Oregon. He was telling me about his car troubles and he says, "The trannie went out in my car...". Sometimes lightning strikes between the 2 lonely neurons in my head; it did this time and I instantly piped up, "That's okay, I go out in my car all the time!" Now that's funny right there, I don't care who you are, lol. Oh come on, laugh!
OK, what do you call two crossdressers wrapped in aluminum foil?
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A TV dinner, bwaahhhh!

Empathy and guilt

http://www.amazon.com/Head-Over-Heels-Cross-Dressers-Transsexuals/dp/0789030950
This is a book recommendation, mostly meant for those TG's who are married. It's something I wish I had read long before my marriage disintegrated. The link is to the Amazon web site, but you can possibly shop for the book cheaper.
The empathy many of us have, by nature, I think is a reflection of our feminine selves. This same empathy may lead to guilt within ourselves for the position we put our wives into by pursuing transition or crossdressing. For myself, I blindly felt I understood my wife's position. After reading this book I found that there were facets to a woman's upbringing that I hadn't even considered, which were impacted by my crossdressing and transition. Despite our feminine natures, since we were not raised as women we cannot possibly see all of the ways this may be affecting our wives.
The guilt we feel is understandable, but if you wish to have true empathy with your wife, I think you must understand her position better. This book may help you do so. I must also remind you all that an experienced counselor can be invaluable at a time like this. We may believe we have control of the situation we are in with our family, and we want to solve 'the problem' by ourselves. I believe this is a naive, 'throw on the toolbelt' attitude, possibly something we have ingrained as a result of our male upbringing. What your wife needs more is for you to understand her position. A counselor can provide an objective viewpoint that will help you understand each other better. I must stress that an EXPERIENCED counselor is imperitive, particularly one who has experience with gender and sexuality issues; but any competent unbiased counselor should be helpful.
While not impossible, it still isn't a statistically likely outcome that your marriage will be saved and you'll grow old together as women. Sometimes we may be trying to fix our marriage not because of our love for our wife, but because of the guilt we feel for having caused it's dissolution. We don't want it to be 'our fault'. While GID may be the cause of your marriage not being retrievable, the GID is not your fault. You must also look honestly inside yourself to see what end outcome your transition will have on you and your wife's sexuality. All the love in the world will not change the fact your wife married and wants to live with a man. But if you and your wife have the true desire to live, love, and grow old together as women, I hope this advice helps.
Two years later, if I knew I could do it with peace of mind, I can say I would still have given up transition to have kept my family. That wasn't an option, but I do wish I had found outside help for us both.

Marie's Milk Chocolate Philosophy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUEvtEYfsd0
OK, the pic and the video are besides the point, lol! Poor wittle bunnies!!
By way of definition, 'cisgendered' is the term one can use to describe a person who has a homogenous gender identity and biological gender. I'm not big on labels, but it will help simplify what I am about to explain.
One of the things you may have the hardest time getting across to others, as a TS, is how our sexual orientation is completely seperate from our psychological gender. Another thing that is hard to get a cisgendered person to understand, is how our psychological gender can be seperate from our physical gender.
"Marie's Milk Chocolate Philosophy" is something I came up with to help explain this.
As a child, what is the first type of chocolate you ever encountered? Most people will readily pipe up with 'milk chocolate'. Between Halloween, Easter, and Christmas, one can hardly escape first being exposed to chocolate in this form. Yeah, there'll always be some wise-ass who says "Cocoa"! But most would agree that milk chocolate is what we first came across.
So after we encountered milk-chocolate, as far as we were concerned in our unexperienced child mind, that was 'chocolate'. If someone at that point tried to tell you that what you thought was 'chocolate' was actually a mix of two things, and not really just chocolate at all, you might not believe them. You might not even care, since you enjoyed milk-chocolate so much. You may have even avoided other forms of chocolate, writing them off as 'not real chocolate'. After all, we as people tend to consider as alien anything that is challenging to our current understanding of something.
But as time went on, we were able to see and experience chocolate, and milk, in all their various and wonderful forms. Dutch chocolate, white chocolate, dark chocolate, sweet and semi-sweet chocolate! White milk, chocolate milk, goats milk, frozen milk, half-and-half! We had visual and tactile proof that 'chocolate' was indeed two things completely seperate from one another. We also realized the great variety of these two things and found the value and validity in each of their different forms. Some of us may have even found that we preferred other types of chocolate over milk chocolate!
Yet without those visual and tactile things to help us understand, it is very difficult for us as people to give validity to the seperation of something we consider so elemental and indivisible.
I think most of you can run with that from here......whadda ya think?