I've lost it

I've been actively dating now for over a year; and I've been wanting to share my experiences here for some time. Both to help some of you see what you have to look forward to, and also to seek help, suggestions, and commiseration about dealing with some of the things I've encountered.
I recently wrote the following letter to somebody who is interested in dating me, he is getting serious very quickly. Of course, I've sanitized it of his info, and it's missing the introduction paragraph:
Have you had experience with transwomen before? Even if you have, I would appreciate if you spend some time on this website:
www.tsgirlfriend.com
Still, I'd like to explain about SRS/FFS. SRS is Sex Reassignment Surgery, one of several names for the surgery to construct a vagina in place of my penis. FFS is Facial Feminization Surgery, the variety of procedures that correct underlying masculine features in the face. Despite what you may think of my appearance, I am sensitive about those characteristics I do still have that are distinctly male.
When someone is interested in me because I am TS, rather than seeing me simply as a woman, I am suspicious of how they will feel when I pursue these surgeries. Even when someone may state they believe it won't make a difference, I am still reserved in my belief that it will hold true when that reality occurs. I fully believe in your sincerity and good intentions, but it's not so easy to grasp this reality before it happens.
My own transition has seen me change my outlook on things I previously thought would never change. Hormones are indeed powerful, there has already been a fundamental rewiring of how I look at things. I can see other changes still gradually taking place as well. Indeed, I AM becomming the woman I always thought I was, not so different from any other woman you might have encountered.
By necessity, primarily out of honesty, I must identify myself as TS; but the whole reason I am pursuing this is because I am a woman, that is my essence. ANY male qualities I may still possess are likely things I am trying to erase; so when a man states he enjoys being with me because of any of those qualities, it doesn't bode well for the future. I will likely lose those qualities, and any I do not I would rather not be reminded about. So I have to ask; when I am no longer the person or no longer look like what the man was initially attracted to, will he stick around? When my marriage dissolved, I lost the ability to believe in forever from anybody.
So there you have it, that says what my insecurities are when I begin to get to know a man. As I re-read it, it sounds dead on right too; I don't think I've ever set it down in writing so clearly. I have yet to see my suspicions about these things be denied in my experiences with other men. Perhaps I am causing some of it myself because of these insecurities; but they are there nonetheless and this is what WE would have to overcome.
How you feel about having sex with someone who was previously male, how you will feel about seeing old pictures of me, how you will deal with your own family and loved ones, these are also questions for me. I cannot obliterate my past, I don't wish to. All the things that have transpired in my life have made me who I am, I am not ashamed of them. I am very open about myself with everyone; I refuse to hide anything anymore. Will you be able to be so open with your family and friends about me?
.....sigh! If I have not scared you away yet, I applaud your willingness to listen about my baggage. I wish I could forget all about these things and simply be seen as a woman with someone from the outset. But if I refuse to part with my past, that can never happen; it will always be a fundamental part of how I must deal with others.
"I lost the ability to believe in forever from anybody". That is what I was referring to in my blog title. I had a little epiphany while writing this letter, summarized in that statement.
It's emblematic of what has been going on for me with everyone. I don't really trust anything anyone tells me anymore. I try to lead with trust, and at least outwardly believe in what people say to me. But deep down, there's a seed of disbelief, the certain knowledge that they will eventually show that they didn't really mean what they were saying or what they promised after all.
And from that seed lies the plant that always turns into a redwood between us. I cannot truly let myself go to anyone anymore. There's always something in reserve, locked away from exposure. The little pink fleshy thing that feels like it's been steamrolled and BBQ'ed so many times is what I do put out every time, and every time I reel it back in and pick the grit out of it. Then I send her out again. Does it always get kicked back because it doesn't go out with that other locked up part?