Just sharing

The following was my reply in a transgender persons support group to the question, "What was your first time out in public?" :
It's hard for me to nail that one down for sure, but I think the following story was likely my first time:
I was still in the military at the time, and committed to finishing my 20 years; being caught out dressing would have been a huge disaster. At least I thought so at the time, now I'm not so sure about that, but I digress.

My car at the time was a loud, souped-up hot rod that I had built and I used to drag race with. No pun intended! Not exactly the best vehicle to be inconspicuous in, but it was all I had besides my motorcycle.

The best idea for an outing that I could drum up the courage for, was a trip through a fast food drive-through. I still have no idea whether it was my appearance, the car, or maybe the terror in my voice; maybe it wasn't what I thought at all? Whatever it was, I was certain the guy at the drive-through window had clocked me instantly and that's what I could see he was telling his coworker about after he closed the window to go put my order together.

I think my heart was broken, and I remember the hot sting of tears in my eyes.

He finally finished my order and brought it to the window, and I handed him my money. I have never wanted to be invisible so much as I did right at that moment, and I was desperate to get out of there as soon as possible.

After what seemed like an eternity, he finally brought back my change and what he said still seems so hugely inexplicable and filled with portent. Nonetheless, it was without any detectable trace of sarcasm that he simply handed me my change and said, "Thank you miss, have a nice night."

It's really been a lot of years since then, but I have always done my best to remember my feelings from that night and from all the other trials I have been through. I keep them in my heart for every other person I encounter who is going through what I did, whatever that might be in pursuit of.

RE: The Baltimore McDonalds incident.

In viewing the horrific video showing a vicious attack upon a transgender woman in a Baltimore Maryland McDonalds, I cannot help thinking of a similarly senseless incident at yet another McDonalds'; the San Ysidro massacre of July 18, 1984. I was in my second year of U.S. Navy enlistment, stationed in San Diego at the time, so the incident is still well established in my memory.

I am also reminded of the experiences of another young transperson, Zikerria Bellamy, who was 17 on July 10, 2009 when she applied for a job at a Florida McDonalds. You can see the TLDEF response to this incident here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCXOCsfl5Js

Corporately, McDonalds has seemingly maintained a campaign of purposeful ignorance towards transpeople's plight in their restaurants as both employees and customers for a very long time. I have not done my homework on the outcome of Zikerria Bellamy's case, but I do know that it seemingly vanished from the radar very quickly.

There are a lot of questions in the Baltimore incident yet to be answered, but for once I think McDonalds corporate is finally getting a wakeup call. Certainly, nothing here is meant to say anyone should stop the pressure being put upon them.

Many people right now are suggesting angry boycotts, and even legal actions against McDonalds. Certainly, the employees who sat around watching and filming the incident without helping should be found culpable, and the animals who attacked her should face prosecution. But in attacking and demanding legal suits against McDonald's corporate, I would suggest one look at the legal results of the San Ysidro incident, here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Ysidro_McDonald's_massacre


With McDonalds as defendant, they were absolved of responsibility because "(1) they had no duty of care to protect patrons from an unforeseeable assault by a murderous madman; and (2) plaintiffs could not prove causation because the standard reasonable measures normally used by restaurants to deter criminals", "could not possibly have deterred a madman who did not care about his own survival. "

The corporate identity that is McDonalds is not ignorant to social needs that further it's bottom line. Keeping in mind the WIIFM concept (What's In It For Me), McDonalds has indeed responded to racism and prejudice in the past with affirmative actions programs that have helped minorities acquire franchise and management opportunities, while also changing their advertising, slogans, and promotions to reflect both their customer base and their appreciation for diversity.

Rather than shaking our fists and demanding angry but temporary concessions from McDonald's corporate that will eventually fade away and be forgotten, lets instead take better advantage of this brief moment their corporate focus is paying us attention. Let's provide McDonalds with a more positive opportunity to promote their attention to diversity, and work with them for things that will make for a more lasting sea-change in their (and their customer's) attitude towards transgender folk, while enhancing their bottom line.

I can think of no better result from this incident than the assault victim receiving every reasonable opportunity to become a franchisee themselves, while McDonalds also categorically integrates transgender persons specifically into their affirmative action programs.

More Jerry-pandering

The subject of today's diatribe is none other than the person I consider the biggest anal wart on the body human today, Jerry Springer.

OK, so that statement sets me up with holding any of a number of positions right off the bat, any one of which for many a reader probably causes immediate shutdown. Herein follows the pointless bitchy rant of yet another oversensitive tranny, or the local equivalent; there goes Marie again.

Perhaps it's pointless to bitch about Jerry Springer; I'd hope that anybody with a lick of sense knows he's a slime ball. It's sort of like complaining that sewage stinks. I think what bothers me most is what it says about people and the hopes transpeople have of ever getting a fair shake; because despite the right or wrong of it his brand of hate/shame-pedaling still sells. And all too often it's at the expense of transpeople in general. Whatever, take it for what you think it's worth, half of you will consider it TLDR fodder anyhow; I needed to get this off my chest.

Have you seen his new show, 'Baggage'? It's a smutty, perverted version of 'The Dating Game'. A courtesan is presented, followed by 3 suitors. Instead of cute smarmy questions, the vehicle is 3 of each person's dirty secrets. In a cheesy rip-off of 'Deal Or No Deal', each suitor stands next to 3 suitcases of increasing size, each containing increasingly lurid examples of each suitors' ugliest, most embarrassing secrets. Through the course of events they each open from the smallest to the largest case, and the courtesan gets to pick the suitor with the lesser of the evils they have exposed about themselves. Eventually the process of elimination means the least despicable candidate gets a chance to decide which of 3 appropriately lurid details, one of which actually applies to the courtesan, that they couldn't live with. The courtesan eventually must come clean as to whether the detail the suitor picked applies to them or not.

As an aside, I don't watch television at home myself. I'll grant that my general lousy attitude towards television fare generously colors this note. Jerry Springer is IMO the poster child for what is worst about television. Whatever, I sacrificed 20 years of my life helping protect everyone's freedom to make asses of themselves on public television, or to marinade their brain cells in this sewage. I'm generally equally free to disregard it.

I unfortunately find myself a captive audience to television from time to time. To be honest, I try to enjoy it for what it is as a guilty pleasure; secure in the knowledge I can just go home and take a shower afterwards. In this case I was at a local nail salon with a Hawaiian Princess, who had offered a starving computer geek a free fill on her acrylics. We were in company with 5-6 other women there enjoying light banter over our pedicures and nail treatments. When Jerry came on I was interested in whether or not a new show might mean he was getting away from his typical offering of raw slime shakes. No such luck.

On this show, our courtesan was a woman being wooed by 3 male suitors. Round One had our suitors open their suitcases to expose their first dirty secret. Mr. A admitted he was bad in bed. Mr. B admitted he had slept with Anna Nicole Smith. Mr. C admitted he has never driven a car. Ohh, but yes, he does have a day pass for the bus.

From these revelations, one could make any number of suppositions about the men themselves. Nonetheless, accompanied by Jerry's snide comments at her side, our courtesan was then required to choose amongst the 3 and eliminate one; all without any input from the suitors. I got the impression that the show's structure is such that the suitors are required to submit a large roster of their faults, and they have no input on which ones the show uses. Mr. A was her choice as the worst of the 3 evils and he was removed from the show; not without a chance to further embarrass himself backstage with some justification for his shortcoming.

Mr. B and Mr. C were left, and they each had their opportunity to explain their 'faults' from Round One. Why was Mr. B's admission a fault? Was it even true, or just a brag? Who knows, on to Round Two! Havin' fun yet?

Mr. C's next admission was that he had chronic halitosis. Mr. B revealed that he was $500,000 in debt. In this round, the suitors then had a chance to sit together with the courtesan (and Jerry, of course), and explain their faults, as well as declare why it was that their courtesan should choose them over their competitor. Ensuing competitive posturing and banter between the suitors. Yadda, yadda.

Now before Round Three we get the chance to hear 3 juicy revelations, one of which applies to the courtesan. She gets three suitcases to represent them too, all shiny lacquered red vice the stainless ones the suitors got.

So far, the show fit's in with the mold of daytime tripe with people exposing embarrassing things about themselves, of varying severity. It's what drives these shows and provides the entertainment for those who watch it. Whether it's what I want to watch or not is irrelevant. The people exposing sordid details about themselves generally harm no one but themselves, and I'll assume they get paid a sufficient amount to justify it for themselves. If it had been my television, the channel would have been changed the moment Jerry showed his true colors. And ya know, if you watch these shows yourself, I'll apologize for my tone so far, maybe what happened next will tell you why I really wish you didn't support this stuff. At any rate, I didn't say anything about the show and I joined in with the rest of the ladies there, making jokes about the whole thing.

Ready or not, here comes round 3; the supposed worst thing these men want to reveal about themselves. Mr. C now admits that he has 3 children from (his description) two unwed baby mommies. It's your best guess how they get to soccer practice, apparently he doesn't take them.

Mr. B (of course they saved him til last) now admits that his worst secret is that he dated a transsexual for two months.

So much for Jerry somehow reclaiming some shred of human decency for himself. Ensuing gasps from the crowd, the typical questions; "Did you know"? "Were you intimate"? All accompanied by Jerry's smug looks as he gleefully spread what was obviously supposed to be filthy across everybody's bread.

I pretty much zoned out and collapsed inside myself, unable to speak or respond. As I tuned out any of the rest of the show, all I was left that I could hear was a dull roar in my head. I looked around at the other ladies in the salon and saw their mouths forming words soundlessly. What if it was you lady, 50 pounds overweight? Or you, young Latina woman? How about you, Ms. Octogenarian?

I concentrated on looking down at my hands, far too masculine for my own taste; reminders of why who I am should be somebody's worst secret because they showed interest in me. And why that shame should be perfectly obvious to everyone in the national television audience. But there the salon person was, filing and trimming them anyway; oblivious to the torment in my head.

When the roaring subsided, I calmly and politely asked my manicurist to please change the channel. Apparently no one in the shop realized it was my request when they finally did change it, a few of them wondered out loud why they changed the channel before they had the chance to catch the exciting final bit of sewage. I spoke up then and stated; "He panders in people's shame and I can't stand to watch the man any longer".

I don't know how to feel about myself in the matter. Proud to have kept some grace and made my point without causing a scene? Or embarrassed because I couldn't pull it together enough to loudly proclaim I'm a transwoman and I'm tired of this man trying to tell people I should be ashamed of who I am?


Some people look at me weird when they learn I don't watch television.

My pool (or Friends, Love, and Life)

When you come to my pool, I'm just happy you are here. You won't find that I ask much more of you than your company and kindness. I like you just as you are, please feel free to be yourself.

When people leave my pool, even if it's to go be in someone else's pool; it doesn't bother me. You don't take anything from my pool but the experience, and having shared the experience I lose nothing.

Yeah ok, people actually take some of what's in the pool with you when you go. I hope it lasts and keeps you feeling good. I hope you'll come back for more. I'll never forget you were here, and I'll treasure the experience. But more of what my pool needs always comes back. I think the people I know in heaven send it; as it seems to fall from the skies like rain.

My pool is big. Really big! Some people can get in my pool from England.

My pool has a deep end and a shallow end. Some people stay in the shallow end, but we still have a lot of fun.

Some people sit at the edge and that's really great too. Some cannot have the chemicals from the pool on them right now, some are afraid of the water. I don't see them as much, but I'm still glad they are there.

I know I have a nice pool. But I'm still just as insecure as anyone so I'm not always sure anyone wants to enjoy it. I really don't like being alone in my pool though sometimes it's dirty and I need to be alone to clean it; but I know it's safe and somebody will come eventually.

When I need help with my pool, I will be the first to ask you. Help being pushed upon me without my asking isn't help, you are butting in uninvited. I'm working on it, but I'm not often nice about this.

I don't know how deep my pool is. No one has reached bottom yet.

There are lot's of things we can do in my pool. Most everyone can swim, but some of you just like to be there and not do anything. That's cool.

Some people want to be the only person in my pool. It makes me very sad that they feel they have to leave when someone else comes in, but they will be welcome back when they know they can share. There are some people who I cry about because they may never learn this and I won't see them again. It sure was nice when they were here……

Sometimes it's really hot and I swim naked. I like playing then too, with as many as care to do so. As long as you are clean, I don't care too much what you look like or what you wear. If everyone is having fun and nobody is getting hurt, whether it's volleyball or playing catch; it's all good. Just don't get mad because I play on both teams. Sometimes we need special equipment. Sometimes I can just referee or take pictures!

I'd like to find somebody who can live with all of the above and still want to stay in my pool and get pruney with me. I'll do my best to adore you.

POOL RULES!
Every pool has them. I wish I didn't need any.

1. Don't lie. Ever. Lying by omission is still lying.
2. It's perfectly okay if you play in other's pools, I will. Just stay clean. See #1.
3. If you are married and want to play alone in my pool with me, please tell me you are married; I will want to SEE you both before we do. No notes from mommy. See #1.
4. Be nice, don't be mean or nasty and pee in my pool. I know accidents happen though. The third time is no accident.
5. Please respect my pool and all the 'things' around it. I worked hard for them and I like to keep them nice.
6. Don't try to change my pool. Kindly put suggestions or insights are always appreciated though.
7. Don't try to own my pool. It's being open is part of it's beauty. If you can appreciate that, it will always be open to you.

The night I saw sound.

Some of us on FB were speaking about lightning bugs, and it made me think of something else pretty wondrous I've seen I thought I'd share.

I've deduced that the conditions required for this are pretty rare, related to things like the time of year, time of day, the lack of a moon, and thermal gradients in the ocean. I only saw it once, and in 20 years I never heard of another sonar person relating this either.

One night underway in the Indian Ocean as lead sonar technician on watch, I was conducting testing and maintenance on our very high powered sonar. We were actively pinging at full blast into the water and there's something in the order of 300 kilowatts of sound energy being pumped out with every series of pings. These are sent out first as three sequential directed pings of 30 degrees each, left center and right to cover 90 degrees. These are followed by a single 360 degree ping.

At some point I was called to the bridge by the OOD (Officer of the Deck). Once I reported to him, he asked me to look out in front of the ship and tell him what I made of what was going on. It took a few moments for my eyes to finish acclimating to the utterly black night, but I'll never forget what I saw.

Out in the water, like Neptune himself with a huge flashlight; our sonar pings were lighting up the ocean! 3 bright sequential flashes, blue-greenish and perfectly in synch with our pings, each lighting up the water in beams; followed by one dimmer 360 degree flash in synch with the last ping. While I was astounded, I immediately and almost nonchalantly deduced the cause and relayed same to the OOD; can you guess what it was?

After talking to the OOD, I went down to the sonar shack and directed the maintenance team to take a break and meet me on the ships bow, leaving the sonar engaged. Although they are typically our nemesis on a ship, I had friends in engineering so I also called down to the plant and let them know they needed to come see this. Each department's watch team took turns to allow the operators a turn on deck, though I don't think everyone got a chance to see before the phenomenon ended.

Some of us tried to take pictures, but cameras failed to capture it at all. Apparently meant to only be kept in our minds, I think Goddess was trying to show us the wonders she could let us share with our technology were no match for her own.

The Ballad of Trannie Chicken

(CHORUS)
Why can't you just be
The rooster we deem?
Oh what will you do, what can you be?
None knows the hen that you are
'Cuz even with eyes, nobody see's

From a dusty little coop
In the sands of the Mohave
Came a chicken with a heart
And a comb you could see
Still this hen she called herself Marie

CHORUS

Her hatching a mystery, comb heavy to bear
This pullet's heart had told her
A rooster wasn't what she'd be
Then from the miracle of the internet
She heard of chicken GID!

CHORUS

This hen had found online
Pure chicken friends to be
Then she got the scoop
And flew the coop to Tucson
For a conference called IFGE

CHORUS

Lori, Tiana, Nichole and Marie
We laughed and we cried
Each for ourselves, and for the three
Forged a friendship to last
We all know now as the chickens-T

CHORUS

The roosters are gone
For these chickens and me
Our true selves as hens
Is all most anyone sees
I'm proud of them all, and they of me
Though flung far and wide
True T-chicken friends we'll always be.

Scoobie doobie

A woman decides she wants larger breasts, so she goes to see her physician, Doctor Paul.

He tells her, "Every morning when you are in the shower, massage your breasts and say "Scoobie, doobie, doobies; I want bigger boobies!"

She doesn't really believe this will work but she religiously follows his advice, and sure enough, in a few months she has a beautiful pair of 'D' cups!

One day, she's late for work and skips her shower to catch the bus. On the bus, she realizes she's missed her morning ritual! Not wanting anything to happen to her lovely chest, standing right there on the bus she says out loud to herself, "Scoobie, doobie, doobies; I want bigger boobies!"

A man sitting close by hears her and asks, "I couldn't help overhearing you, are you perhaps a patient of Dr. Pauls"?

She says, "Why yes I am, how did you know"?

With a knowing wink he replies, "Hickory, dickory, dock...."

Thinking like women

My friend Susan posted a blog on an interesting subject, it would be nice to hear other's views on this. Sorry, the link thingy isn't working for me right now; my internet fairy is still on crack.

http://exkinky.blogspot.com/2009/06/thinking-like-women.html

Time Warp Taco Tuesday (to local friends only)

Hi all!

I wanted to give everyone some advance notice on a schedule change so you can plan accordingly.

Because I will be out of town on Tuesday the 16th, I am holding that Taco Tuesday on Saturday the 13th beginning at 6PM (or immediately following the Pride group board meeting).

A special friend of mine will be here then and we are setting aside that day to meet as many of my friends as possible who care to do so. I'd really like you all to meet her if you can make the time :-D

I will also still be holding a normal taco night on Tuesday the 9th; but I will not be able to attend Starbucks coffee on Thursday the 11th since I'll be driving to Las Vegas to pick up my friend from the airport.

Thanks everyone!

M

Convicted felon harassing me.

A person going by the name Justin Evans, with a MySpace profile name of "None ya business" recently contacted me trying to coerce me into allowing him as my roommate.

He admitted himself to being a convicted felon, and refused to send me contact information so I could run a background check on him. Naturally I said no to the roommate idea at which point he became abusive. Of course he played the "You're a man" card and then had the gall to threaten me with reporting me to LHPD for identity theft.

I recommend you avoid this person and delete any contact he makes with you. His email address is justinevans83@hotmail.com

Yes, I've had a police report filed ;)

KRXQ Sacramento Radio

KRXQ Sacramento Radio Hosts Encourage Violence Against Transgender Children

KRXQ 98.5 Sacramento CA
http://www.krxq.net/
5345 Madison AveSacramento, CA 95841
phone 916-334-7777
fax 916-339-4293
Station Manager jfox@entercom.com

Entercom Broadcasting
http://www.entercom.com/
Entercom Communications Corp.
401 City Ave., Suite 809Bala Cynwyd, PA 19004
Tel: 610-660-5610
Fax: 610-660-5620

This is not a complete list, but you can view their Advertising clients list here:
http://www.krxq.net/pages/293097.php


AM/PM
http://www.arco.com/genericformsdisplay.do?formId=7050100&categoryId=6740&contentId=7022827

Performance Chevy 888-346-3117 http://www.performancechevy.com/contact-form.htm

Jackson Rancheria Casino and Hotel
http://www.jacksoncasino.com/home/contact.aspx

Hooters of California
http://hootersofcalifornia.com/contactus.php

NORCAL Racing
http://norcalrockracing.com/Norcalrockracing/Contact_Us.html

Griffin and Reed Eye Care
http://www.lasikworld.com/contact.html

Procity Mortgage
http://procitymortgage.com/contact.php

Tobacco Republic
http://www.trcigar.com/contactus.html

State Farm Insurance
http://www.statefarm.com/about/contact/contactc.asp

Chipotle Mexican Grill
http://www.chipotle.com/#flash/speak_comment

Albertsons Grocery
https://shop.albertsons.com/eCommerceWeb/GeneralInquires.do?action=viewGeneralComments

Carl's Junior
http://www.carlsjr.com/contact/

Flex Your Power
http://www.fypower.org/about/

Jared Jewelry
http://www.jared.com/lwp/wcm/connect/Jared/Customer+Service/

Nissan USA
http://www.nissanusa.com/apps/contactus

Wells Fargo Bank (snailmail only)
https://www.wellsfargo.com/help/address

Orchard Supply Hardware
http://www.osh.com/Cultures/en-US/CustomerService/ContactUs


Meeks Lumber and Hardware
http://www.osh.com/Cultures/en-US/CustomerService/ContactUs

Sacramento Hyundai
http://www.sacramentohyundai.com/aboutus/contactus.jsp?ptitle=Contact%20Us&menu=About%20Us

Roseville Hyundai
http://rosevillehyundai.com/pages/page.cfm?pageid=43384&pagetype=4&featureid=-1

California Office of Problem Gambling
http://www.adp.ca.gov/OPG/contacts.shtml


Latenight with Jimmy Fallon
http://www.nbc.com/Footer/Contact_Us/

Washington Mutual
https://online.wamu.com/MessageInbox/SendMessage.aspx

Scranton Law Firm
https://online.wamu.com/MessageInbox/SendMessage.aspx

UC Davis Health System
http://www.ucdmc.ucdavis.edu/contactus/

Smart and Final
http://www.smartandfinal.com/contact.html

PLEASE CONSIDER SENDING THE FOLLOWING NOTE TO ALL THE ABOVE CORPORATIONS. COPY AND PASTE THE FOLLOWING INTO THE COMMENTS AREA FOR EACH CONTACT. BE SURE TO CHANGE THE INFORMATION TO REFLECT WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO

Advertising dollars from (ENTER SPONSOR OR CORPORATION
NAME) are currently being spent to sponsor a radio
station that espouses child abuse, hate and intolerance
towards transgender people.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-rowe/krxq-sacramento-radio-hos_b_210637.html

Please reconsider where your advertising budget dollars
are being directed. I will be reconsidering where my (ENTER WHAT THE CORPORATION SELLS, IE GASOLINE, ENTERTAINMENT, CAR BUYING) dollars are spent.
Thank you

What does it all mean?

OK, sorry if the title misled you into thinking this would be some terribly introspective and world shattering hypothesis of the meaning of life, the universe and everything.

These are the lyrics to the last stanza of "Tradition Of Love", by The Pretenders. I've been looking a while for the translation or meaning behind them; anybody here have a clue?

Shri gouranga
Jaya gouranga
Gour gour gouranga
Nam
Gour gour gouranga
Nam

Entry for December 20, 2005

Yahoo 360 is finally closing it's doors after leading us all along forever. I wish them well in their suicide, their abuse of our loyalty will not be forgotten.
Just the same, 360 was the germ for many of our flowering. I don't think Yahoo corporate ever saw just how cohesive a block they were helping people knit and therefore failed to realize what they were casting assunder.

Lori and many others saw the writing on the wall long before the rest of us and forged ahead to lay new ground for us all to alight. Let's hope Blogspot maintains loyalty to what helped give them birth.

Wow, December '05; my first Y360 blog entry. Hard to put myself back in that timeframe, so much water under the bridge! I prefer to look ahead now, but my perspective of that time is a very scared (but very stubborn) wtfnotaguybutmaybeagirl who had acheived an epiphany that made moving forward towards self an unavoidable imperitive.

Some losses that yes, I still mourn; but no regrets. Physically I'm really pretty happy with where I am, though it's hard to say what an influx of cash might do to that, lol. I think I could still pull off a Lara Croft look, wuddayathink?

There's already such a vibrant community here; maybe we've simply outgrown the need for such a monolithic presence as Y360?

For your edification, a repost of my first foray into the ether. Yes I cribbed the first verse, but the rest is mine:

My energy's spent at last
And my armor is destroyed
I have used up all my weapons and I’m helpless and bereaved
Wounds are all I’m made of
Did I hear you say that this is victory?

We kick and scratch and claw to naught but a jack-a-nape toy.
Damn the darkness, I'll not slip quietly to gray autumn!

A summit, gilded through haze, taunts me nonetheless.
E'er the veils do press before me, e'er will I hack them away. Sword slivers in my hand, breastplate cruel to my flesh; cast them away.
But a blazing heart to crest the mount, cherished affectations paper-thin.
Stand at the climax and shout to the ether, dare you cast me as chaff to the wind! Fates howling at tempest, trembling and steadfast I am lashed.
Chaos ebbs to dawn, blackness fades to light.

Enveloped in tranquil stillness, husks litter my feet.
At the nadir, many tiny eyes, like lasers aspire to the summit. Seeming unbidden from my breast, a gilded light pours forth.
The tiny eyes shine with purpose, and gazing back, the summit shines anew.

And I descend the other side, summits ahead in my gaze.

Somewhere between Venus and Mars

This was all inspired by the lovely Lori D and her experiences re acclimating as herself in a man's world. See her handy (couldn't resist) blog at http://lorisrevival.blogspot.com/2009/05/real-nail-biter.html

Coming to terms with men and how they look at you as a woman is some strange territory at times. I have a feeling it's not very different for natal women but seeing it from a transwoman's perspective has got to be stranger still. Sorta like going backwards through a revolving door....

I think most of the guys who knew me before transition publicly refrained from making many comments afterwards; if they showed too much interest I think it would make them feel marked as gay. There are these ugly gag videos that seem to be making the rounds lately that point this out. A lovely woman is shown in various erotic situations meant to titillate and get the ole' male juices going, but once the hook is set ultimately the video reveals she has a penis; to which the caption "YOU'RE GAY!!!" is flashed on the screen. Lovely.....I feel like we get set back another 15 years with each one.

But those men that did say anything to me were clearly opinionated in how they thought a woman should show herself and unfortunately most were pretty sexist about it. One friend surprised me when he told me my chest was too big; I was still wearing falsies at the time and it never occurred to me at the time that some men don't like bigger boobs.

But most of it I could understand and pretty much expected. What I wasn't prepared for was my own reaction when I realized I was being seen as desirable by men. Some just flat creeped me out, but there have also been some who really put the kettle on boil! My desire to not be seen as a sex object collided with the fact I was enjoying the attention; my signature line was pretty apropos there, "Stop doing that some more"!

The hardest thing I found to deal with among men was still disclosure. I don't know where my sense of this falls amongst other transwomen; but I have always been pretty paranoid about not wanting to mislead any men. Too many stupid dead tranny movies I guess.

I once went to a party that was thrown by the coworkers of my roommate at the time. It was one of the first social functions I attended here in my town with people I really did not know. My roommate had made it clear who I was with most everyone she worked with but it was a pretty big crowd and I knew there must be people there who could not have known. I had some jitters upon arriving, but we had found a place to sit and I was starting to relax. Along that time an attractive man came up to us and in greeting us he gave me a nice hug; then before I had a chance to think about it he gave me a nice kiss square on the lips! Well, I panicked a bit, not sure if he realized what he was doing in front of all his friends. I'm hopeful that I retained some composure and didn't make him feel like I thought he was being gross.

It wasn't until after the party that I had a chance to ask my roommate about him and the incident. As it turned out, he knew exactly who I was! The only thing he cared about doing was making me feel welcome since I was a friend of a friend, he didn't care what anybody else thought about it. Wow....

Seeing just how bad women do have it sometimes in a man's world, it's easy to get on the "us against them" wagon going the other way; I have to admit to riding for a while. Once after a rant from me about what pigs men can be, the same roommate at the time remarked; "Gee, you're gonna be pretty smart once you get a pussy"! ULP!!

Both sides get some share of crap in the gender battle. I'll be glad for anything that tears down the divisions; who knows, maybe we'll have some part in this.....

Just for fun

The Force Is Strong In This One
Electronics Store Canada
Customer: “Hello, I would like to return this item.”
Me: “Ok, what was the problem?”
Customer: “I just don’t need it anymore.”
Me: “Ok, do you have the receipt?”
Customer: “Yes, here it is.”
Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t return this. It’s from six months ago.”
Customer: “Yes you can…” *waves hands in the air*
Me: “I’m sorry, no I can’t. I would get in a lot of trouble.”
Customer: “No you won’t…” *waves hands in the air again*
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m not going to do that.”
Customer: *turns and leaves*
Me, to coworker: “Did I just get Jedi mind-tricked?”

For more retail hell:
http://notalwaysright.com/

ROOM FOR RENT

I recently lost the best roommate I've ever had, for some reason she thought she oughtta go back home...gee, thanks Kim! LOL So I'm looking again.

I have a nice home in Lake Havasu City, Arizona. I am looking for a new roommate, and I would prefer a TG person. Must be reliable, neat and clean, with a verifiable source of income to pay bills. No drugs and no smoking in the house, caged pets are welcome. Rent amount is negotiable, but I like to use a flat rate that covers ALL your bills; rent, utilities, ALL FOOD AND DRINK, laundry facilities, and included high-speed internet service. Phone and television service would be your own responsibility if you need them. If you agree to the flat rate idea, right now I am asking $625.
The rented room is 11 X 11, carpeted, with a small closet. You have your own private full bath directly adjacent to the room. A corner unit desk and full size bed can be included for no additional charge. 2 closets seperate from the bedroom are available for your use, as well as a small amount of garage space for storage (parking is in the driveway). Outside of this, you have full access to the home, with the exception of my bedroom/bath, and the third bedroom, which is my workspace.
I insist things in the general living areas be kept neat and clean. Basically this just means you need to be able to clean up after yourself at all times, and help with a little household cleaning. I work from home, so I am usually present but I will respect your privacy. Email me here or putergurl@hotmail.com.

Oh gee, she's spawning!

Just a heads up about my new blog, "Marie is Flickle", flickleputergurl.blogspot.com. Cinema related drivel from a 'Zonie in the boonies.

Gee, I wanna take a shower!

The Doctor's Instructions (cribbed from email)

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Patel about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Patel advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Patel's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, " Hickory dickory dock...."

Bored? This is fun!

http://blogs.moneycentral.msn.com/smartspending/?fpn=how%20to%20properly%20destroy%20a%20credit%20card&GT1=33009

Make sure you read the readers comments.

Mary Overkill

Crosspost from PinkEssence, sorry so long!

I was recently asked to share my experiences with HRT, so I thought I'd add my $.02 here if anyone cares to read. As much of our experiences go, mine was very similar yet slightly different from most. Perhaps the differences are more in the telling, but who knows. At any rate, I can corroborate what most of the other posts here have already mentioned, so I'll try to only share what I found was different.

I would also like to mention that I'm no expert and I don't consider my own experience or anyone else's to be a tutorial on HRT. These are powerful drugs with the capability of affecting far reaching negative consequences . You must do your own research, be your own advocate, and get professional medical assistance; at the very least have regular blood checks (every 3 months minimum to start) and wellness monitoring done. I DO NOT recommend self medicating, but I know it happens so regardless of how you get your hormones, your doctor MUST KNOW what you are doing in order to be able to help you.

I very recently had the experience of watching a friend who had been self medicating on far too high a dosage, end up in the hospital with massive blood clots in her lungs. Guess what, she smokes too! She now can never go back to HRT without causing herself imminent danger. She is now permanently shut off from one of the most beneficial avenues in transition. PLEASE QUIT SMOKING AND GET MEDICAL HELP!

Because I live in a remote area, there are no experts immediately available; I knew that I would be teaching my doctor as much as anything, I wanted to give my doctor the best impression that I was facing this in an informed and cautious manner. These dosages were all on my own behest after at least a year of intense research on my own about hormone regimes and it's possible effects given available knowledge and my known medical history. I do know for example that I have always had very immediate and strong reactions to any medications, in other words they have always had their prescribed affect immediately and with relatively low dosages. I also do not smoke, and anyone who does is exponentially increasing their risks on HRT.I feel the extra time involved in getting up to my current dosage was a pittance compared to the lifetime I'd waited to start. I won't mention exact dosages or meds here; again I do not feel this should be a tutorial on what to take, you've got to do your own research on what will help you most.

I would also mention that I began my own regular measurements using a cloth tape measure, of the typical 3 points used for bra fitting, as well as waist, buttocks, and thighs. Just try to be consistent on where and how you measure.

After a full blood test, I initially started on only a low dosage of an antiandrogyne 1/2 of the minimum recommended dosage, taken daily. I remained on this for 30 days, paying attention to side effects. As expected, I saw an immediate diuretic effect, and increased my water intake to compensate. I now keep 3 large cups of water, one at my bedside, one at my desk, and one at my dresser; I commonly drink them all every day as well as water with meals or whenever I'm thirsty.

After the initial 30 days with no unexpected side effects, I also began a very low dosage of an estrogen, approx. 1/3 of what my expected maximum dosage should be, and again 1/2 of the recommended minimum dosage.

After another 30 days (now 60 days total), I increased the antiandrogyne to the minimum recommended dosage. This was followed for another 30 days.

Now at 90 days with no uninteded effects, I returned to the doctor after getting another full blood test. My T levels were already within female norms by now, and lipids had not been adversely affected. We therefore kept the antiandrogyne at its current dosage, and increased the estrogen to the minimum recommended dosage.
After another 30 days, I increased the estrogen to it's current dosage, which is now 2/3 of the maximum recommended dosage, though still at least 1/2 of what I hear some are taking.

I stayed on this dosage until my next 3 month checkup and bloodwork. Both E and T levels were within normal female range, and it was now that I requested starting a progesterone, again half of the minimum recommended dosage; this was continued for 30 days, after which I went to the full minimum recommended dosage. These dosages have been what I have followed for the past 3 years.

As mentioned by others, in the beginning much of the initial feelings are at least possibly psychsomatic. But I did have a marked sense of peace develop over the very first week, the feeling that a weight had been lifted from my soul. As the antiandrogyne began to affect me I became much more calm; this has been the single greatest blessing to me.

By the end of 3 months, spontaneous erections had ceased and the diuretic effect had seemingly plateued. I was also feeling the beginnings of a nodule forming under my nipples, though I cannot say I felt any increased sensitivity.

By 6 months, ejaculate was becomming clearer and any erection required direct stimulation. I have always had soft skin, so that effect was hard to judge. I did however have drier and clearer skin, and was now able to cease the topical acne treatment I had been using most of my adult life. I have also been relatively hairless on my chest all my life, but other body hair was certainly becomming softer and easier to shave. Facial hair was totally unaffected by the hormones, but I had also started laser sessions 6 months previously, with marked patchiness beginning to show. I also began to notice decreased upper body strength. The nodules under my nipples had become larger, they were also beginning to 'get in the way'! While tactile sensation did not increase, my breasts were certainly sensitive to being bumped or jostled. It wasn't really painful but certainly grabbed ones attention; I began to call doors 'booby traps', lol!

At the end of one year, people who had not seen me for some time were noticing marked changes in my face. I now could see nice rounded thighs when I sat down, in fact my derriere and thigh measurements had far outpaced my breast measurements! I still have not had any great increase in weight, thank goodness my ectomorph physique did not seem affected. The nodules in my breasts had expanded and flattened, becomming disks under the nipples; while not as great as I would have liked my areolas had expanded and darkened some and nipples were slightly larger. Body strength had certainly decreased, but not debilitatingly so. I just needed to use leverage more often and take more trips to move things. I also began to get accustomed to asking for help, that was a big cultural shift for me!

I am now 3 years into HRT. Breasts are no longer sore or tender, nicely rounded and a full A cup. Larger would have been nice, but I like that they are all mine and seem proportional for my physique. I do know that the C-cup I thought I'd want seems way too big, if I ever get BA I'll stick with a B-cup.The only unwelcome change I have to mention is my nails. Despite progesterone, and daily vitamin supplements, they are slow to grow, and extremely thin and brittle. Skin is definitely drier, moisturizing and exfoliating is a constant routine. With less coarse body hair and regular shaving I do get constant remarks about my skin, though I still don't believe it's any softer than when I started.
Erections still happen though much less readily. I wasn't really hoping to retain this, but I'm not unhappy that I have. Ejaculate is almost nonexistant, that alone has been extremely welcome; I never liked the messiness before and having it go away has seen sex become much more pleasant for me. Orgasm is just as most have already mentioned, but I would add that in the right circumstances I am at least somewhat multi-orgasmic!
Mood change has still been the greatest gift of all. I did not see great mood swings, I attest that to my gradual hormone regime. I am certainly calmer, though I feel less focused sometimes. My son clearly got his ADHD from me, and that has become more of a challenge for me than it was before. Instead of mood swings, I do find my emotions are much more accessible. I really 'feel ' again, when before I usually just felt dead. It's not out of control, but I can cry much more easily, both in happiness and in sadness. Yeah, I 'get' chick flicks now :D