I was recently asked to share my experiences with HRT, so I thought I'd add my $.02 here if anyone cares to read. As much of our experiences go, mine was very similar yet slightly different from most. Perhaps the differences are more in the telling, but who knows. At any rate, I can corroborate what most of the other posts here have already mentioned, so I'll try to only share what I found was different.
I would also like to mention that I'm no expert and I don't consider my own experience or anyone else's to be a tutorial on HRT. These are powerful drugs with the capability of affecting far reaching negative consequences . You must do your own research, be your own advocate, and get professional medical assistance; at the very least have regular blood checks (every 3 months minimum to start) and wellness monitoring done. I DO NOT recommend self medicating, but I know it happens so regardless of how you get your hormones, your doctor MUST KNOW what you are doing in order to be able to help you.
I very recently had the experience of watching a friend who had been self medicating on far too high a dosage, end up in the hospital with massive blood clots in her lungs. Guess what, she smokes too! She now can never go back to HRT without causing herself imminent danger. She is now permanently shut off from one of the most beneficial avenues in transition. PLEASE QUIT SMOKING AND GET MEDICAL HELP!
Because I live in a remote area, there are no experts immediately available; I knew that I would be teaching my doctor as much as anything, I wanted to give my doctor the best impression that I was facing this in an informed and cautious manner. These dosages were all on my own behest after at least a year of intense research on my own about hormone regimes and it's possible effects given available knowledge and my known medical history. I do know for example that I have always had very immediate and strong reactions to any medications, in other words they have always had their prescribed affect immediately and with relatively low dosages. I also do not smoke, and anyone who does is exponentially increasing their risks on HRT.I feel the extra time involved in getting up to my current dosage was a pittance compared to the lifetime I'd waited to start. I won't mention exact dosages or meds here; again I do not feel this should be a tutorial on what to take, you've got to do your own research on what will help you most.
I would also mention that I began my own regular measurements using a cloth tape measure, of the typical 3 points used for bra fitting, as well as waist, buttocks, and thighs. Just try to be consistent on where and how you measure.
After a full blood test, I initially started on only a low dosage of an antiandrogyne 1/2 of the minimum recommended dosage, taken daily. I remained on this for 30 days, paying attention to side effects. As expected, I saw an immediate diuretic effect, and increased my water intake to compensate. I now keep 3 large cups of water, one at my bedside, one at my desk, and one at my dresser; I commonly drink them all every day as well as water with meals or whenever I'm thirsty.
After the initial 30 days with no unexpected side effects, I also began a very low dosage of an estrogen, approx. 1/3 of what my expected maximum dosage should be, and again 1/2 of the recommended minimum dosage.
After another 30 days (now 60 days total), I increased the antiandrogyne to the minimum recommended dosage. This was followed for another 30 days.
Now at 90 days with no uninteded effects, I returned to the doctor after getting another full blood test. My T levels were already within female norms by now, and lipids had not been adversely affected. We therefore kept the antiandrogyne at its current dosage, and increased the estrogen to the minimum recommended dosage.
After another 30 days, I increased the estrogen to it's current dosage, which is now 2/3 of the maximum recommended dosage, though still at least 1/2 of what I hear some are taking.
I stayed on this dosage until my next 3 month checkup and bloodwork. Both E and T levels were within normal female range, and it was now that I requested starting a progesterone, again half of the minimum recommended dosage; this was continued for 30 days, after which I went to the full minimum recommended dosage. These dosages have been what I have followed for the past 3 years.
As mentioned by others, in the beginning much of the initial feelings are at least possibly psychsomatic. But I did have a marked sense of peace develop over the very first week, the feeling that a weight had been lifted from my soul. As the antiandrogyne began to affect me I became much more calm; this has been the single greatest blessing to me.
By the end of 3 months, spontaneous erections had ceased and the diuretic effect had seemingly plateued. I was also feeling the beginnings of a nodule forming under my nipples, though I cannot say I felt any increased sensitivity.
By 6 months, ejaculate was becomming clearer and any erection required direct stimulation. I have always had soft skin, so that effect was hard to judge. I did however have drier and clearer skin, and was now able to cease the topical acne treatment I had been using most of my adult life. I have also been relatively hairless on my chest all my life, but other body hair was certainly becomming softer and easier to shave. Facial hair was totally unaffected by the hormones, but I had also started laser sessions 6 months previously, with marked patchiness beginning to show. I also began to notice decreased upper body strength. The nodules under my nipples had become larger, they were also beginning to 'get in the way'! While tactile sensation did not increase, my breasts were certainly sensitive to being bumped or jostled. It wasn't really painful but certainly grabbed ones attention; I began to call doors 'booby traps', lol!
At the end of one year, people who had not seen me for some time were noticing marked changes in my face. I now could see nice rounded thighs when I sat down, in fact my derriere and thigh measurements had far outpaced my breast measurements! I still have not had any great increase in weight, thank goodness my ectomorph physique did not seem affected. The nodules in my breasts had expanded and flattened, becomming disks under the nipples; while not as great as I would have liked my areolas had expanded and darkened some and nipples were slightly larger. Body strength had certainly decreased, but not debilitatingly so. I just needed to use leverage more often and take more trips to move things. I also began to get accustomed to asking for help, that was a big cultural shift for me!
I am now 3 years into HRT. Breasts are no longer sore or tender, nicely rounded and a full A cup. Larger would have been nice, but I like that they are all mine and seem proportional for my physique. I do know that the C-cup I thought I'd want seems way too big, if I ever get BA I'll stick with a B-cup.The only unwelcome change I have to mention is my nails. Despite progesterone, and daily vitamin supplements, they are slow to grow, and extremely thin and brittle. Skin is definitely drier, moisturizing and exfoliating is a constant routine. With less coarse body hair and regular shaving I do get constant remarks about my skin, though I still don't believe it's any softer than when I started.
Erections still happen though much less readily. I wasn't really hoping to retain this, but I'm not unhappy that I have. Ejaculate is almost nonexistant, that alone has been extremely welcome; I never liked the messiness before and having it go away has seen sex become much more pleasant for me. Orgasm is just as most have already mentioned, but I would add that in the right circumstances I am at least somewhat multi-orgasmic!
Mood change has still been the greatest gift of all. I did not see great mood swings, I attest that to my gradual hormone regime. I am certainly calmer, though I feel less focused sometimes. My son clearly got his ADHD from me, and that has become more of a challenge for me than it was before. Instead of mood swings, I do find my emotions are much more accessible. I really 'feel ' again, when before I usually just felt dead. It's not out of control, but I can cry much more easily, both in happiness and in sadness. Yeah, I 'get' chick flicks now :D
About Me
- Putergurl
- It's not. About me, I mean. Really!
I avoid labels when possible, but here goes: SWF, 40'ish, 20 year Navy veteran. I have an inner ham and her name is Ms. Piggy.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
What's in a name, Dues Ex
This is a fun topic for me, fun because my chosen name seems so fateful, melodic, and true to myself all at the same time. Though it has touches of the tragedies that befall all our lives, I think the story is fun too. The impetus for posting this was reading Katie's latest blog post, http://in-myown-skin.blogspot.com/2009/05/whats-in-name.html
I was originally named after my birth father, I had his first and last name. He was killed (so Mom said) shortly after my birth, and my 1st stepfather legally adopted myself and my 2 sisters, giving us his last name. He also had a family tradition of assigning middle names of boys according to the names of US presidents, and I was given Thomas as homage to Thomas Jefferson; something I eventually carried forward when naming my own son Zachary.
Some time after this, my one older sister Julie was struck and killed by a drunk driver while crossing the street in front of our house. This left me as the oldest child in the family; though I was still very young at the time, I am to this day impacted by haunting memories of my older sister. Though their marriage eventually disintegrated as a result of this, I was left with my stepfather's surname for the rest of my younger life.
I served 20 years in the US Navy. Anybody military knows that when you report to any duty station, you typically get assigned a nickname. You can choose to accept the name or live in hell for the duration of your tour, since your discomfort will be readily apparent and capitalized upon to cause you grief!
My first shipboard assignment after training was in 1984 on a fast-frigate stationed in Hawaii. A popular TV show at the time was called "Riptide". In it, the main characters had a nerdy but loveable computer geek sidekick named Murray. One evening on duty shortly after reporting, this was our choice of entertainment. Someone in the group watching noted my resemblance to Murray and I was therein christened!
Despite, or because of the unflattering resemblance, the name stuck. REALLY stuck! My own name at the time largely stopped being used for anything but official correspondence as I was always introduced to all my social and work contacts as Murray. My first wife (in a convenience marriage) as well as my second wife (who was both a cast off love interest of my first wife and introduced to me by her) both knew me and introduced me to their families as Murray.
During my first marriage (one of convenience), my lesbian 'wife' helped me explore my fem self, and by extrapolating my nickname we came upon Marie as my first fem name. It's definitely fem, and I really took a liking to it right away.
I had several nicknames through childhood as well; it never seemed difficult or weird to accept all these different names; I wonder if perhaps this is a symptom or contributing factor to my lack of an identity that I……err, identified with ?
Many of my childhood and young adult fantasies revolved around magical or accidental transformations (gee, ya think?). For lack of a suitable female example, I therefore always identified most with Spiderman as a superhero figure. Around the time after my second wife left to be with women and before I had started transition, I was briefly involved with a man who was also a Spiderman fan. I took to calling him Tiger, and assumed the initials MJ.
My mother was killed shortly before my second wife left me. One of her longstanding unresolved wishes was that one of us name a child after our sister Julie. This had not happened yet amongst my siblings, and obviously I could not give my son Julie as any part of his name.
When it finally came time to decide my name, Marie was a given as a first name. I never had any real connection to my stepfather's surname, so I ditched it and took my birth father's last name. My middle name was trickier; it just seemed too morbid to take my sister's name directly, yet I wanted to retain it and 'J' as a middle initial. Hence Marie Julieanne Aponte was christened.
To this day I really love my name; the only difficulty has been that people often assume my first name to be Maria, given that my last name starts with A I can see that.
I was originally named after my birth father, I had his first and last name. He was killed (so Mom said) shortly after my birth, and my 1st stepfather legally adopted myself and my 2 sisters, giving us his last name. He also had a family tradition of assigning middle names of boys according to the names of US presidents, and I was given Thomas as homage to Thomas Jefferson; something I eventually carried forward when naming my own son Zachary.
Some time after this, my one older sister Julie was struck and killed by a drunk driver while crossing the street in front of our house. This left me as the oldest child in the family; though I was still very young at the time, I am to this day impacted by haunting memories of my older sister. Though their marriage eventually disintegrated as a result of this, I was left with my stepfather's surname for the rest of my younger life.
I served 20 years in the US Navy. Anybody military knows that when you report to any duty station, you typically get assigned a nickname. You can choose to accept the name or live in hell for the duration of your tour, since your discomfort will be readily apparent and capitalized upon to cause you grief!
My first shipboard assignment after training was in 1984 on a fast-frigate stationed in Hawaii. A popular TV show at the time was called "Riptide". In it, the main characters had a nerdy but loveable computer geek sidekick named Murray. One evening on duty shortly after reporting, this was our choice of entertainment. Someone in the group watching noted my resemblance to Murray and I was therein christened!
Despite, or because of the unflattering resemblance, the name stuck. REALLY stuck! My own name at the time largely stopped being used for anything but official correspondence as I was always introduced to all my social and work contacts as Murray. My first wife (in a convenience marriage) as well as my second wife (who was both a cast off love interest of my first wife and introduced to me by her) both knew me and introduced me to their families as Murray.
During my first marriage (one of convenience), my lesbian 'wife' helped me explore my fem self, and by extrapolating my nickname we came upon Marie as my first fem name. It's definitely fem, and I really took a liking to it right away.
I had several nicknames through childhood as well; it never seemed difficult or weird to accept all these different names; I wonder if perhaps this is a symptom or contributing factor to my lack of an identity that I……err, identified with ?
Many of my childhood and young adult fantasies revolved around magical or accidental transformations (gee, ya think?). For lack of a suitable female example, I therefore always identified most with Spiderman as a superhero figure. Around the time after my second wife left to be with women and before I had started transition, I was briefly involved with a man who was also a Spiderman fan. I took to calling him Tiger, and assumed the initials MJ.
My mother was killed shortly before my second wife left me. One of her longstanding unresolved wishes was that one of us name a child after our sister Julie. This had not happened yet amongst my siblings, and obviously I could not give my son Julie as any part of his name.
When it finally came time to decide my name, Marie was a given as a first name. I never had any real connection to my stepfather's surname, so I ditched it and took my birth father's last name. My middle name was trickier; it just seemed too morbid to take my sister's name directly, yet I wanted to retain it and 'J' as a middle initial. Hence Marie Julieanne Aponte was christened.
To this day I really love my name; the only difficulty has been that people often assume my first name to be Maria, given that my last name starts with A I can see that.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
She's baaaaack!
My departure from Yahoo360 has seen me expand my presence online again. I think I've posted and commented more these past couple weeks than I have in a year! It's great being back in touch, I had not realized how much 360 was hampering my desire to communicate. The flip side is that my drivel is now afflicting you all again! Just remember you can always tell me "Can it, shmanit, Janet"!
I'm on a Rocky Horror Picture Show bend again lately, immersing myself in the movie and it's details in preparation for using it as part of the entertainment for our local Pride group festivities in September. Columbia will be DJ'ing the dance, and I'm hoping to get enough participation to perhaps do a couple skits from the movie. We'll at least be doing the Time Warp again!
The pic is from last year's Fetish and Fantasy Ball in Las Vegas, myself on the left with some other denizens of the event. Jack was really cool, but his emotions are sorta one dimensional, lol! I'd love to be in a regular troupe doing RHPS, but nothing like that exists here in the boonies, perhaps I can get one started?
Anyhow, my resurgence here is a reflection of my own recent efforts to regain my footing, rediscover myself, find my mojo; whatever you'd like to call it. It comes after a period of time where whoever 'Marie' is has been defined through participation in the more mundane things that supposedly make up a life; work, dating, etc. The spectacular failures that have occurred for me in dating, coupled with the stresses today's economy has put on us all, have made me realize I still have been framing things in some of the same paradigms that I used before transition. It's been leading me away from a trust in pursuing the Way, towards the same cynicism and isolation that plagued me then too; gee, big surprise! See, transition does not cure all your problems ;)
Call it The Way, The Secret, following the Goddess, divine inspiration, whathaveyou. I credit this cosmic flush in my attitude to a figurative smack-upside-the-head I received from my good friend Kim Pearson. I accompanied her while she participated in the filming of a segment for an upcoming National Geographic special regarding gender (details forthcoming in another blog). She is the executive director for Trans Youth Family Allies (http://www.imatyfa.org/), a group that I believe is doing more towards our future than anyone realizes. They need all of our support, so if you can spare anything, PLEASE GIVE!
Kim is one of the most positive people I know, and just a bit of time with her lately has been enough to re-kindle my own spirit. Some chicken-therapy with Lori D, the love and support of the rest of the 'coop, as well as a few other very special people have helped too.
I've not had the chance to ask her for permission to point out her blog, so I will keep the source anonymous. Another lady amongst us has seen the joy that comes from leading a life complete. As further testimony to what can happen when we give of our own self and trust in the bounty that faith can bring, I'll finish this with my response to her:
It's fabulous seeing your progress! I can still recall your setting out; you have really broken some molds :) You are beginning to see what the complete you can really do, unhobbled by leading a false life. You're completion is seeing you gain an aura that others will see and respond to, you only need have faith in yourself for it to show.
Something I began to notice when my own blossoming was going on, is how uncommon this seems to be amongst people in general. I feel we trans-people sometimes think we are the only ones with identity issues and unresolved ambitions; I think the truth is that most people harbor these things to some extent.
So as others here have mentioned, yes we are indeed blessed. Even those who maintain their duality for whatever reason can take heart from realizing we DO enjoy a gift. Who else get's to see life from the variety of perspectives we do?
Society's problems with us can cloud that if we let it; but it really is their problem, we are not the aberration. Tempered with humility and grace towards others, our positive energy is a catalyst to others as well as an unlimited source of strength.
Rock on babe!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Glacial change
National Hate Crimes Bill passes the house! BTW, our own Kim Pearson and TYFA are in Washington DC right now doing their part! THANK YOU KIM AND THANK YOU TYFA!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Hope
I've been following the Angie Zapata murder trial since it's inception with a sense of dread. In the same state that brought us Columbine, the same area of our country where we lost Matthew Shepherd, and where TYFA (www.imatyfa.org) has found so much anti-trans bias; I found it hard to believe we might see justice for Angie. I'm moved, saddened and hopeful all at the same time. Saddened that we still have lost so many bright spots due to hate, and that such a defense as was presented in the case could possibly be considered relevant. Such beautiful young people taken far too early by hate.......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66nqhVtq6xo
I'm hopeful
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66nqhVtq6xo
I'm hopeful
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Cinema Paradiso (US directors cut)
10 tissues
Holy moly, what a movie! If you haven't figured it out, I'm a movie nut; well I especially like foreign films, it's no mistake that many of my favorite movies are foreign films. Come to think of it, many of them are Italian as well. The US DVD of this movie is subtitled and I know that turns some people off; luckily I usually forget a movie is in subtitles within the first few scenes. Also, at 174 minutes it's a bit long, the directors cut adds the 'what happened to everybody' ending.
All that aside, the rest is just golden! Acting, casting, and especially cinematography were incredible, it's no surprise it won the Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film in 1990. It's a love story, with lessons on loyalty; oh, and it's got history in it (another favorite subject), oh oh, and it's a movie about loving movies!
Apparently the movie bombed on it's initial release in Italy, so it was pulled from circulation and cut from 155 to 123 minutes. The US theatrical release was the 155 minute version. Some purists would say the 155 minute version is best, with a short sweet ending that leaves the fates of the lovers to fond memory; but I'm glad I saw the extended version. Apparently some DVD's have both versions, one on each side; but I didn't have a chance to check before I resealed the Netflix envelope to return it.
Besides the two gorgeous actors playing the lovers, on a personal level I liked best the way the film looked at loyalty in love. It takes me a long time to say the 'L' word to somebody I'm involved with, when I have it really seems to have meant something deeper to me than it did to anyone I've met so far. I'd enjoy some feedback about this. Is that how we all feel after a relationship breaks up, like nobody understands what love means to us? At any rate, to me it transcends conventions like monogamy or possesiveness, and is centered around honesty and a loyalty that says each person will be there for the other no matter what.
That's a big ticket to punch, one that many of us unknowingly punched a little too early; hence the tragedy that GID usually creates in our relationships. Bizarrely enough that wasn't how my own marriage was sundered, I only pursued transition after my ex decided she had her own immutable need she had to pursue, namely being with women. It was a cruel twist that she couldn't see me as one when she knew that's what I wanted; even though it left me free to pursue myself without the guilt so many of us harbor for being the source of the dissolution.
Maybe as a result I can't really talk to others about this guilt, but I think those in this position need to remember that we get cheated out of the chance to be honest about ourselves, both with ourselves and with our lovers, for most of our early lives. In the context of how our lives in this society play out, what choice did you have as you went through the wickets but to hide yourself? Run rabbit, run! It doesn't make it any less a tragedy, but I think we need to give ourselves a break on the guilt factor.
Holy moly, what a movie! If you haven't figured it out, I'm a movie nut; well I especially like foreign films, it's no mistake that many of my favorite movies are foreign films. Come to think of it, many of them are Italian as well. The US DVD of this movie is subtitled and I know that turns some people off; luckily I usually forget a movie is in subtitles within the first few scenes. Also, at 174 minutes it's a bit long, the directors cut adds the 'what happened to everybody' ending.
All that aside, the rest is just golden! Acting, casting, and especially cinematography were incredible, it's no surprise it won the Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film in 1990. It's a love story, with lessons on loyalty; oh, and it's got history in it (another favorite subject), oh oh, and it's a movie about loving movies!
Apparently the movie bombed on it's initial release in Italy, so it was pulled from circulation and cut from 155 to 123 minutes. The US theatrical release was the 155 minute version. Some purists would say the 155 minute version is best, with a short sweet ending that leaves the fates of the lovers to fond memory; but I'm glad I saw the extended version. Apparently some DVD's have both versions, one on each side; but I didn't have a chance to check before I resealed the Netflix envelope to return it.
Besides the two gorgeous actors playing the lovers, on a personal level I liked best the way the film looked at loyalty in love. It takes me a long time to say the 'L' word to somebody I'm involved with, when I have it really seems to have meant something deeper to me than it did to anyone I've met so far. I'd enjoy some feedback about this. Is that how we all feel after a relationship breaks up, like nobody understands what love means to us? At any rate, to me it transcends conventions like monogamy or possesiveness, and is centered around honesty and a loyalty that says each person will be there for the other no matter what.
That's a big ticket to punch, one that many of us unknowingly punched a little too early; hence the tragedy that GID usually creates in our relationships. Bizarrely enough that wasn't how my own marriage was sundered, I only pursued transition after my ex decided she had her own immutable need she had to pursue, namely being with women. It was a cruel twist that she couldn't see me as one when she knew that's what I wanted; even though it left me free to pursue myself without the guilt so many of us harbor for being the source of the dissolution.
Maybe as a result I can't really talk to others about this guilt, but I think those in this position need to remember that we get cheated out of the chance to be honest about ourselves, both with ourselves and with our lovers, for most of our early lives. In the context of how our lives in this society play out, what choice did you have as you went through the wickets but to hide yourself? Run rabbit, run! It doesn't make it any less a tragedy, but I think we need to give ourselves a break on the guilt factor.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Movie review and confessions of a refugee from the dating world.
Eternal Sunshine Of the Spotless Mind was my Netflix selection tonight, I rate it 4 tissues! That's how I rate all movies now BTW. The record still stands at a tie of 12 tissues for Beautiful Boxer and for It's A Beautiful Life (no, I don't mean "It's A Wonderful Life", that's a different movie).
Of all Jim Carrey's 'playing against type' movies, I think I found this one the most believable; possibly because he didn't totally remove his comedic touch from the whole movie. Saying that now I realized it's an interesting coincidence considering the theme of the movie, which has to do with sanitizing memories. Kirsten Dunst could be total crap and I would still love her, so I can't really say how she was. Everyone else was great too, it was fun seeing Elijah Wood play a slimeball instead of a sweet hobbit! I always try to watch movies like this long after they come out so I'm not influenced by the hype or press that comes along with the initial release.
As to subject matter, I almost hated the movie because it comes at a time where I'm backing off from the dating world after a series of dissapointments and reevaluating my positions on things in general. I was forced to look at a practice I've engaged in almost every time dating relationships have gone sour; namely that I do my best to sanitize everything about the person from my memory and my life. Is this a common thing to do? It bothers me because it seems kind of childish, in a "I'm takin' all my marbles and going home" sorta way. It is like rewinding a tape, and writing over the past. When you take a really close look at it though, there are always tiny bits of the old that poke back through in spots, like ghosts.
One premise put forth in the movie is that you don't appreciate what you have in a relationship until it's gone. For me that seems total hooey. Whenever the situation became untenable I left, but it's always been all the more heartbreaking in the process because I can see what's being thrown away.
In the end of the movie (SPOILER ALERT), the couple each hear the other's taped admissions of what drove them away from each other; they ultimately decide to ignore that they will likely just make themselves hate each other again and we see them go off in blissful rediscovery. Do people really do this? Hasn't worked for me! When you can see that the other person just is the way they are and they aren't going to change, how can you keep on when you know you cannot live with that aspect of a person? Am I being stubborn, or sticking to my principles?
It's too Hollywood an ending I think, or am I just being sour? Love really does NOT conquer all; too often it just seems to make us stick around too long until we really get hurt.
Of all Jim Carrey's 'playing against type' movies, I think I found this one the most believable; possibly because he didn't totally remove his comedic touch from the whole movie. Saying that now I realized it's an interesting coincidence considering the theme of the movie, which has to do with sanitizing memories. Kirsten Dunst could be total crap and I would still love her, so I can't really say how she was. Everyone else was great too, it was fun seeing Elijah Wood play a slimeball instead of a sweet hobbit! I always try to watch movies like this long after they come out so I'm not influenced by the hype or press that comes along with the initial release.
As to subject matter, I almost hated the movie because it comes at a time where I'm backing off from the dating world after a series of dissapointments and reevaluating my positions on things in general. I was forced to look at a practice I've engaged in almost every time dating relationships have gone sour; namely that I do my best to sanitize everything about the person from my memory and my life. Is this a common thing to do? It bothers me because it seems kind of childish, in a "I'm takin' all my marbles and going home" sorta way. It is like rewinding a tape, and writing over the past. When you take a really close look at it though, there are always tiny bits of the old that poke back through in spots, like ghosts.
One premise put forth in the movie is that you don't appreciate what you have in a relationship until it's gone. For me that seems total hooey. Whenever the situation became untenable I left, but it's always been all the more heartbreaking in the process because I can see what's being thrown away.
In the end of the movie (SPOILER ALERT), the couple each hear the other's taped admissions of what drove them away from each other; they ultimately decide to ignore that they will likely just make themselves hate each other again and we see them go off in blissful rediscovery. Do people really do this? Hasn't worked for me! When you can see that the other person just is the way they are and they aren't going to change, how can you keep on when you know you cannot live with that aspect of a person? Am I being stubborn, or sticking to my principles?
It's too Hollywood an ending I think, or am I just being sour? Love really does NOT conquer all; too often it just seems to make us stick around too long until we really get hurt.
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