Stop doing that some more!

RE: The Baltimore McDonalds incident.

2011-04-23T14:07:00.001-07:00

In viewing the horrific video showing a vicious attack upon a transgender woman in a Baltimore Maryland McDonalds, I cannot help thinking of a similarly senseless incident at yet another McDonalds'; the San Ysidro massacre of July 18, 1984. I was in my second year of U.S. Navy enlistment, stationed in San Diego at the time, so the incident is still well established in my memory.

I am also reminded of the experiences of another young transperson, Zikerria Bellamy, who was 17 on July 10, 2009 when she applied for a job at a Florida McDonalds. You can see the TLDEF response to this incident here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCXOCsfl5Js

Corporately, McDonalds has seemingly maintained a campaign of purposeful ignorance towards transpeople's plight in their restaurants as both employees and customers for a very long time. I have not done my homework on the outcome of Zikerria Bellamy's case, but I do know that it seemingly vanished from the radar very quickly.

There are a lot of questions in the Baltimore incident yet to be answered, but for once I think McDonalds corporate is finally getting a wakeup call. Certainly, nothing here is meant to say anyone should stop the pressure being put upon them.

Many people right now are suggesting angry boycotts, and even legal actions against McDonalds. Certainly, the employees who sat around watching and filming the incident without helping should be found culpable, and the animals who attacked her should face prosecution. But in attacking and demanding legal suits against McDonald's corporate, I would suggest one look at the legal results of the San Ysidro incident, here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Ysidro_McDonald's_massacre

With McDonalds as defendant, they were absolved of responsibility because "(1) they had no duty of care to protect patrons from an unforeseeable assault by a murderous madman; and (2) plaintiffs could not prove causation because the standard reasonable measures normally used by restaurants to deter criminals", "could not possibly have deterred a madman who did not care about his own survival. "

The corporate identity that is McDonalds is not ignorant to social needs that further it's bottom line. Keeping in mind the WIIFM concept (What's In It For Me), McDonalds has indeed responded to racism and prejudice in the past with affirmative actions programs that have helped minorities acquire franchise and management opportunities, while also changing their advertising, slogans, and promotions to reflect both their customer base and their appreciation for diversity.

Rather than shaking our fists and demanding angry but temporary concessions from McDonald's corporate that will eventually fade away and be forgotten, lets instead take better advantage of this brief moment their corporate focus is paying us attention. Let's provide McDonalds with a more positive opportunity to promote their attention to diversity, and work with them for things that will make for a more lasting sea-change in their (and their customer's) attitude towards transgender folk, while enhancing their bottom line.

I can think of no better result from this incident than the assault victim receiving every reasonable opportunity to become a franchisee themselves, while McDonalds also categorically integrates transgender persons specifically into their affirmative action programs.

More Jerry-pandering

2010-05-30T19:03:00.003-07:00

The subject of today's diatribe is none other than the person I consider the biggest anal wart on the body human today, Jerry Springer.

OK, so that statement sets me up with holding any of a number of positions right off the bat, any one of which for many a reader probably causes immediate shutdown. Herein follows the pointless bitchy rant of yet another oversensitive tranny, or the local equivalent; there goes Marie again.

Perhaps it's pointless to bitch about Jerry Springer; I'd hope that anybody with a lick of sense knows he's a slime ball. It's sort of like complaining that sewage stinks. I think what bothers me most is what it says about people and the hopes transpeople have of ever getting a fair shake; because despite the right or wrong of it his brand of hate/shame-pedaling still sells. And all too often it's at the expense of transpeople in general. Whatever, take it for what you think it's worth, half of you will consider it TLDR fodder anyhow; I needed to get this off my chest.

Have you seen his new show, 'Baggage'? It's a smutty, perverted version of 'The Dating Game'. A courtesan is presented, followed by 3 suitors. Instead of cute smarmy questions, the vehicle is 3 of each person's dirty secrets. In a cheesy rip-off of 'Deal Or No Deal', each suitor stands next to 3 suitcases of increasing size, each containing increasingly lurid examples of each suitors' ugliest, most embarrassing secrets. Through the course of events they each open from the smallest to the largest case, and the courtesan gets to pick the suitor with the lesser of the evils they have exposed about themselves. Eventually the process of elimination means the least despicable candidate gets a chance to decide which of 3 appropriately lurid details, one of which actually applies to the courtesan, that they couldn't live with. The courtesan eventually must come clean as to whether the detail the suitor picked applies to them or not.

As an aside, I don't watch television at home myself. I'll grant that my general lousy attitude towards television fare generously colors this note. Jerry Springer is IMO the poster child for what is worst about television. Whatever, I sacrificed 20 years of my life helping protect everyone's freedom to make asses of themselves on public television, or to marinade their brain cells in this sewage. I'm generally equally free to disregard it.

I unfortunately find myself a captive audience to television from time to time. To be honest, I try to enjoy it for what it is as a guilty pleasure; secure in the knowledge I can just go home and take a shower afterwards. In this case I was at a local nail salon with a Hawaiian Princess, who had offered a starving computer geek a free fill on her acrylics. We were in company with 5-6 other women there enjoying light banter over our pedicures and nail treatments. When Jerry came on I was interested in whether or not a new show might mean he was getting away from his typical offering of raw slime shakes. No such luck.

On this show, our courtesan was a woman being wooed by 3 male suitors. Round One had our suitors open their suitcases to expose their first dirty secret. Mr. A admitted he was bad in bed. Mr. B admitted he had slept with Anna Nicole Smith. Mr. C admitted he has never driven a car. Ohh, but yes, he does have a day pass for the bus.

From these revelations, one could make any number of suppositions about the men themselves. Nonetheless, accompanied by Jerry's snide comments at her side, our courtesan was then required to choose amongst the 3 and eliminate one; all without any input from the suitors. I got the impression that the show's structure is such that the suitors are required to submit a large roster of their faults, and they have no input on which ones the show uses. Mr. A was her choice as the worst of the 3 evils and he was removed from the show; not without a chance to further embarrass himself backstage with some justification for his shortcoming.

Mr. B and Mr. C were left, and they each had their opportunity to explain their 'faults' from Round One. Why was Mr. B's admission a fault? Was it even true, or just a brag? Who knows, on to Round Two! Havin' fun yet?

Mr. C's next admission was that he had chronic halitosis. Mr. B revealed that he was $500,000 in debt. In this round, the suitors then had a chance to sit together with the courtesan (and Jerry, of course), and explain their faults, as well as declare why it was that their courtesan should choose them over their competitor. Ensuing competitive posturing and banter between the suitors. Yadda, yadda.

Now before Round Three we get the chance to hear 3 juicy revelations, one of which applies to the courtesan. She gets three suitcases to represent them too, all shiny lacquered red vice the stainless ones the suitors got.

So far, the show fit's in with the mold of daytime tripe with people exposing embarrassing things about themselves, of varying severity. It's what drives these shows and provides the entertainment for those who watch it. Whether it's what I want to watch or not is irrelevant. The people exposing sordid details about themselves generally harm no one but themselves, and I'll assume they get paid a sufficient amount to justify it for themselves. If it had been my television, the channel would have been changed the moment Jerry showed his true colors. And ya know, if you watch these shows yourself, I'll apologize for my tone so far, maybe what happened next will tell you why I really wish you didn't support this stuff. At any rate, I didn't say anything about the show and I joined in with the rest of the ladies there, making jokes about the whole thing.

Ready or not, here comes round 3; the supposed worst thing these men want to reveal about themselves. Mr. C now admits that he has 3 children from (his description) two unwed baby mommies. It's your best guess how they get to soccer practice, apparently he doesn't take them.

Mr. B (of course they saved him til last) now admits that his worst secret is that he dated a transsexual for two months.

So much for Jerry somehow reclaiming some shred of human decency for himself. Ensuing gasps from the crowd, the typical questions; "Did you know"? "Were you intimate"? All accompanied by Jerry's smug looks as he gleefully spread what was obviously supposed to be filthy across everybody's bread.

I pretty much zoned out and collapsed inside myself, unable to speak or respond. As I tuned out any of the rest of the show, all I was left that I could hear was a dull roar in my head. I looked around at the other ladies in the salon and saw their mouths forming words soundlessly. What if it was you lady, 50 pounds overweight? Or you, young Latina woman? How about you, Ms. Octogenarian?

I concentrated on looking down at my hands, far too masculine for my own taste; reminders of why who I am should be somebody's worst secret because they showed interest in me. And why that shame should be perfectly obvious to everyone in the national television audience. But there the salon person was, filing and trimming them anyway; oblivious to the torment in my head.

When the roaring subsided, I calmly and politely asked my manicurist to please change the channel. Apparently no one in the shop realized it was my request when they finally did change it, a few of them wondered out loud why they changed the channel before they had the chance to catch the exciting final bit of sewage. I spoke up then and stated; "He panders in people's shame and I can't stand to watch the man any longer".

I don't know how to feel about myself in the matter. Proud to have kept some grace and made my point without causing a scene? Or embarrassed because I couldn't pull it together enough to loudly proclaim I'm a transwoman and I'm tired of this man trying to tell people I should be ashamed of who I am?

Some people look at me weird when they learn I don't watch television.

My pool (or Friends, Love, and Life)

2009-07-31T13:35:00.000-07:00

When you come to my pool, I'm just happy you are here. You won't find that I ask much more of you than your company and kindness. I like you just as you are, please feel free to be yourself.

When people leave my pool, even if it's to go be in someone else's pool; it doesn't bother me. You don't take anything from my pool but the experience, and having shared the experience I lose nothing.

Yeah ok, people actually take some of what's in the pool with you when you go. I hope it lasts and keeps you feeling good. I hope you'll come back for more. I'll never forget you were here, and I'll treasure the experience. But more of what my pool needs always comes back. I think the people I know in heaven send it; as it seems to fall from the skies like rain.

My pool is big. Really big! Some people can get in my pool from England.

My pool has a deep end and a shallow end. Some people stay in the shallow end, but we still have a lot of fun.

Some people sit at the edge and that's really great too. Some cannot have the chemicals from the pool on them right now, some are afraid of the water. I don't see them as much, but I'm still glad they are there.

I know I have a nice pool. But I'm still just as insecure as anyone so I'm not always sure anyone wants to enjoy it. I really don't like being alone in my pool though sometimes it's dirty and I need to be alone to clean it; but I know it's safe and somebody will come eventually.

When I need help with my pool, I will be the first to ask you. Help being pushed upon me without my asking isn't help, you are butting in uninvited. I'm working on it, but I'm not often nice about this.

I don't know how deep my pool is. No one has reached bottom yet.

There are lot's of things we can do in my pool. Most everyone can swim, but some of you just like to be there and not do anything. That's cool.

Some people want to be the only person in my pool. It makes me very sad that they feel they have to leave when someone else comes in, but they will be welcome back when they know they can share. There are some people who I cry about because they may never learn this and I won't see them again. It sure was nice when they were here……

Sometimes it's really hot and I swim naked. I like playing then too, with as many as care to do so. As long as you are clean, I don't care too much what you look like or what you wear. If everyone is having fun and nobody is getting hurt, whether it's volleyball or playing catch; it's all good. Just don't get mad because I play on both teams. Sometimes we need special equipment. Sometimes I can just referee or take pictures!

I'd like to find somebody who can live with all of the above and still want to stay in my pool and get pruney with me. I'll do my best to adore you.

POOL RULES!
Every pool has them. I wish I didn't need any.

1. Don't lie. Ever. Lying by omission is still lying.
2. It's perfectly okay if you play in other's pools, I will. Just stay clean. See #1.
3. If you are married and want to play alone in my pool with me, please tell me you are married; I will want to SEE you both before we do. No notes from mommy. See #1.
4. Be nice, don't be mean or nasty and pee in my pool. I know accidents happen though. The third time is no accident.
5. Please respect my pool and all the 'things' around it. I worked hard for them and I like to keep them nice.
6. Don't try to change my pool. Kindly put suggestions or insights are always appreciated though.
7. Don't try to own my pool. It's being open is part of it's beauty. If you can appreciate that, it will always be open to you.

The night I saw sound.

2009-07-19T11:39:00.003-07:00

Some of us on FB were speaking about lightning bugs, and it made me think of something else pretty wondrous I've seen I thought I'd share.

I've deduced that the conditions required for this are pretty rare, related to things like the time of year, time of day, the lack of a moon, and thermal gradients in the ocean. I only saw it once, and in 20 years I never heard of another sonar person relating this either.

One night underway in the Indian Ocean as lead sonar technician on watch, I was conducting testing and maintenance on our very high powered sonar. We were actively pinging at full blast into the water and there's something in the order of 300 kilowatts of sound energy being pumped out with every series of pings. These are sent out first as three sequential directed pings of 30 degrees each, left center and right to cover 90 degrees. These are followed by a single 360 degree ping.

At some point I was called to the bridge by the OOD (Officer of the Deck). Once I reported to him, he asked me to look out in front of the ship and tell him what I made of what was going on. It took a few moments for my eyes to finish acclimating to the utterly black night, but I'll never forget what I saw.

Out in the water, like Neptune himself with a huge flashlight; our sonar pings were lighting up the ocean! 3 bright sequential flashes, blue-greenish and perfectly in synch with our pings, each lighting up the water in beams; followed by one dimmer 360 degree flash in synch with the last ping. While I was astounded, I immediately and almost nonchalantly deduced the cause and relayed same to the OOD; can you guess what it was?

After talking to the OOD, I went down to the sonar shack and directed the maintenance team to take a break and meet me on the ships bow, leaving the sonar engaged. Although they are typically our nemesis on a ship, I had friends in engineering so I also called down to the plant and let them know they needed to come see this. Each department's watch team took turns to allow the operators a turn on deck, though I don't think everyone got a chance to see before the phenomenon ended.

Some of us tried to take pictures, but cameras failed to capture it at all. Apparently meant to only be kept in our minds, I think Goddess was trying to show us the wonders she could let us share with our technology were no match for her own.

The Ballad of Trannie Chicken

2009-07-08T17:17:00.004-07:00

(CHORUS)
Why can't you just be
The rooster we deem?
Oh what will you do, what can you be?
None knows the hen that you are
'Cuz even with eyes, nobody see's

From a dusty little coop
In the sands of the Mohave
Came a chicken with a heart
And a comb you could see
Still this hen she called herself Marie

CHORUS

Her hatching a mystery, comb heavy to bear
This pullet's heart had told her
A rooster wasn't what she'd be
Then from the miracle of the internet
She heard of chicken GID!

CHORUS

This hen had found online
Pure chicken friends to be
Then she got the scoop
And flew the coop to Tucson
For a conference called IFGE

CHORUS

Lori, Tiana, Nichole and Marie
We laughed and we cried
Each for ourselves, and for the three
Forged a friendship to last
We all know now as the chickens-T

CHORUS

The roosters are gone
For these chickens and me
Our true selves as hens
Is all most anyone sees
I'm proud of them all, and they of me
Though flung far and wide
True T-chicken friends we'll always be.

Scoobie doobie

2009-07-02T19:01:00.003-07:00

A woman decides she wants larger breasts, so she goes to see her physician, Doctor Paul.

He tells her, "Every morning when you are in the shower, massage your breasts and say "Scoobie, doobie, doobies; I want bigger boobies!"

She doesn't really believe this will work but she religiously follows his advice, and sure enough, in a few months she has a beautiful pair of 'D' cups!

One day, she's late for work and skips her shower to catch the bus. On the bus, she realizes she's missed her morning ritual! Not wanting anything to happen to her lovely chest, standing right there on the bus she says out loud to herself, "Scoobie, doobie, doobies; I want bigger boobies!"

A man sitting close by hears her and asks, "I couldn't help overhearing you, are you perhaps a patient of Dr. Pauls"?

She says, "Why yes I am, how did you know"?

With a knowing wink he replies, "Hickory, dickory, dock...."

Thinking like women

2009-06-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

My friend Susan posted a blog on an interesting subject, it would be nice to hear other's views on this. Sorry, the link thingy isn't working for me right now; my internet fairy is still on crack.

http://exkinky.blogspot.com/2009/06/thinking-like-women.html

Time Warp Taco Tuesday (to local friends only)

2009-06-07T09:09:00.001-07:00

Hi all!

I wanted to give everyone some advance notice on a schedule change so you can plan accordingly.

Because I will be out of town on Tuesday the 16th, I am holding that Taco Tuesday on Saturday the 13th beginning at 6PM (or immediately following the Pride group board meeting).

A special friend of mine will be here then and we are setting aside that day to meet as many of my friends as possible who care to do so. I'd really like you all to meet her if you can make the time :-D

I will also still be holding a normal taco night on Tuesday the 9th; but I will not be able to attend Starbucks coffee on Thursday the 11th since I'll be driving to Las Vegas to pick up my friend from the airport.

Thanks everyone!

M

Convicted felon harassing me.

2009-06-06T02:00:00.001-07:00

A person going by the name Justin Evans, with a MySpace profile name of "None ya business" recently contacted me trying to coerce me into allowing him as my roommate.

He admitted himself to being a convicted felon, and refused to send me contact information so I could run a background check on him. Naturally I said no to the roommate idea at which point he became abusive. Of course he played the "You're a man" card and then had the gall to threaten me with reporting me to LHPD for identity theft.

I recommend you avoid this person and delete any contact he makes with you. His email address is justinevans83@hotmail.com

Yes, I've had a police report filed ;)

KRXQ Sacramento Radio

2009-06-03T19:02:00.007-07:00

KRXQ Sacramento Radio Hosts Encourage Violence Against Transgender Children

KRXQ 98.5 Sacramento CA
http://www.krxq.net/
5345 Madison AveSacramento, CA 95841
phone 916-334-7777
fax 916-339-4293
Station Manager jfox@entercom.com

Entercom Broadcasting
http://www.entercom.com/
Entercom Communications Corp.
401 City Ave., Suite 809Bala Cynwyd, PA 19004
Tel: 610-660-5610
Fax: 610-660-5620

This is not a complete list, but you can view their Advertising clients list here:
http://www.krxq.net/pages/293097.php

AM/PM
http://www.arco.com/genericformsdisplay.do?formId=7050100&categoryId=6740&contentId=7022827

Performance Chevy 888-346-3117 http://www.performancechevy.com/contact-form.htm

Jackson Rancheria Casino and Hotel
http://www.jacksoncasino.com/home/contact.aspx

Hooters of California
http://hootersofcalifornia.com/contactus.php

NORCAL Racing
http://norcalrockracing.com/Norcalrockracing/Contact_Us.html

Griffin and Reed Eye Care
http://www.lasikworld.com/contact.html

Procity Mortgage
http://procitymortgage.com/contact.php

Tobacco Republic
http://www.trcigar.com/contactus.html

State Farm Insurance
http://www.statefarm.com/about/contact/contactc.asp

Chipotle Mexican Grill
http://www.chipotle.com/#flash/speak_comment

Albertsons Grocery
https://shop.albertsons.com/eCommerceWeb/GeneralInquires.do?action=viewGeneralComments

Carl's Junior
http://www.carlsjr.com/contact/

Flex Your Power
http://www.fypower.org/about/

Jared Jewelry
http://www.jared.com/lwp/wcm/connect/Jared/Customer+Service/

Nissan USA
http://www.nissanusa.com/apps/contactus

Wells Fargo Bank (snailmail only)
https://www.wellsfargo.com/help/address

Orchard Supply Hardware
http://www.osh.com/Cultures/en-US/CustomerService/ContactUs

Meeks Lumber and Hardware
http://www.osh.com/Cultures/en-US/CustomerService/ContactUs

Sacramento Hyundai
http://www.sacramentohyundai.com/aboutus/contactus.jsp?ptitle=Contact%20Us&menu=About%20Us

Roseville Hyundai
http://rosevillehyundai.com/pages/page.cfm?pageid=43384&pagetype=4&featureid=-1

California Office of Problem Gambling
http://www.adp.ca.gov/OPG/contacts.shtml

Latenight with Jimmy Fallon
http://www.nbc.com/Footer/Contact_Us/

Washington Mutual
https://online.wamu.com/MessageInbox/SendMessage.aspx

Scranton Law Firm
https://online.wamu.com/MessageInbox/SendMessage.aspx

UC Davis Health System
http://www.ucdmc.ucdavis.edu/contactus/

Smart and Final
http://www.smartandfinal.com/contact.html

PLEASE CONSIDER SENDING THE FOLLOWING NOTE TO ALL THE ABOVE CORPORATIONS. COPY AND PASTE THE FOLLOWING INTO THE COMMENTS AREA FOR EACH CONTACT. BE SURE TO CHANGE THE INFORMATION TO REFLECT WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO

Advertising dollars from (ENTER SPONSOR OR CORPORATION
NAME) are currently being spent to sponsor a radio
station that espouses child abuse, hate and intolerance
towards transgender people.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-rowe/krxq-sacramento-radio-hos_b_210637.html

Please reconsider where your advertising budget dollars
are being directed. I will be reconsidering where my (ENTER WHAT THE CORPORATION SELLS, IE GASOLINE, ENTERTAINMENT, CAR BUYING) dollars are spent.
Thank you

What does it all mean?

2009-05-31T21:33:00.002-07:00

OK, sorry if the title misled you into thinking this would be some terribly introspective and world shattering hypothesis of the meaning of life, the universe and everything.

These are the lyrics to the last stanza of "Tradition Of Love", by The Pretenders. I've been looking a while for the translation or meaning behind them; anybody here have a clue?

Shri gouranga
Jaya gouranga
Gour gour gouranga
Nam
Gour gour gouranga
Nam

Entry for December 20, 2005

2009-05-31T13:59:00.004-07:00

Yahoo 360 is finally closing it's doors after leading us all along forever. I wish them well in their suicide, their abuse of our loyalty will not be forgotten.
Just the same, 360 was the germ for many of our flowering. I don't think Yahoo corporate ever saw just how cohesive a block they were helping people knit and therefore failed to realize what they were casting assunder.

Lori and many others saw the writing on the wall long before the rest of us and forged ahead to lay new ground for us all to alight. Let's hope Blogspot maintains loyalty to what helped give them birth.

Wow, December '05; my first Y360 blog entry. Hard to put myself back in that timeframe, so much water under the bridge! I prefer to look ahead now, but my perspective of that time is a very scared (but very stubborn) wtfnotaguybutmaybeagirl who had acheived an epiphany that made moving forward towards self an unavoidable imperitive.

Some losses that yes, I still mourn; but no regrets. Physically I'm really pretty happy with where I am, though it's hard to say what an influx of cash might do to that, lol. I think I could still pull off a Lara Croft look, wuddayathink?

There's already such a vibrant community here; maybe we've simply outgrown the need for such a monolithic presence as Y360?

For your edification, a repost of my first foray into the ether. Yes I cribbed the first verse, but the rest is mine:

My energy's spent at last
And my armor is destroyed
I have used up all my weapons and I’m helpless and bereaved
Wounds are all I’m made of
Did I hear you say that this is victory?

We kick and scratch and claw to naught but a jack-a-nape toy.
Damn the darkness, I'll not slip quietly to gray autumn!

A summit, gilded through haze, taunts me nonetheless.
E'er the veils do press before me, e'er will I hack them away. Sword slivers in my hand, breastplate cruel to my flesh; cast them away.
But a blazing heart to crest the mount, cherished affectations paper-thin.
Stand at the climax and shout to the ether, dare you cast me as chaff to the wind! Fates howling at tempest, trembling and steadfast I am lashed.
Chaos ebbs to dawn, blackness fades to light.

Enveloped in tranquil stillness, husks litter my feet.
At the nadir, many tiny eyes, like lasers aspire to the summit. Seeming unbidden from my breast, a gilded light pours forth.
The tiny eyes shine with purpose, and gazing back, the summit shines anew.

And I descend the other side, summits ahead in my gaze.

Somewhere between Venus and Mars

2009-05-28T08:52:00.003-07:00

This was all inspired by the lovely Lori D and her experiences re acclimating as herself in a man's world. See her handy (couldn't resist) blog at http://lorisrevival.blogspot.com/2009/05/real-nail-biter.html

Coming to terms with men and how they look at you as a woman is some strange territory at times. I have a feeling it's not very different for natal women but seeing it from a transwoman's perspective has got to be stranger still. Sorta like going backwards through a revolving door....

I think most of the guys who knew me before transition publicly refrained from making many comments afterwards; if they showed too much interest I think it would make them feel marked as gay. There are these ugly gag videos that seem to be making the rounds lately that point this out. A lovely woman is shown in various erotic situations meant to titillate and get the ole' male juices going, but once the hook is set ultimately the video reveals she has a penis; to which the caption "YOU'RE GAY!!!" is flashed on the screen. Lovely.....I feel like we get set back another 15 years with each one.

But those men that did say anything to me were clearly opinionated in how they thought a woman should show herself and unfortunately most were pretty sexist about it. One friend surprised me when he told me my chest was too big; I was still wearing falsies at the time and it never occurred to me at the time that some men don't like bigger boobs.

But most of it I could understand and pretty much expected. What I wasn't prepared for was my own reaction when I realized I was being seen as desirable by men. Some just flat creeped me out, but there have also been some who really put the kettle on boil! My desire to not be seen as a sex object collided with the fact I was enjoying the attention; my signature line was pretty apropos there, "Stop doing that some more"!

The hardest thing I found to deal with among men was still disclosure. I don't know where my sense of this falls amongst other transwomen; but I have always been pretty paranoid about not wanting to mislead any men. Too many stupid dead tranny movies I guess.

I once went to a party that was thrown by the coworkers of my roommate at the time. It was one of the first social functions I attended here in my town with people I really did not know. My roommate had made it clear who I was with most everyone she worked with but it was a pretty big crowd and I knew there must be people there who could not have known. I had some jitters upon arriving, but we had found a place to sit and I was starting to relax. Along that time an attractive man came up to us and in greeting us he gave me a nice hug; then before I had a chance to think about it he gave me a nice kiss square on the lips! Well, I panicked a bit, not sure if he realized what he was doing in front of all his friends. I'm hopeful that I retained some composure and didn't make him feel like I thought he was being gross.

It wasn't until after the party that I had a chance to ask my roommate about him and the incident. As it turned out, he knew exactly who I was! The only thing he cared about doing was making me feel welcome since I was a friend of a friend, he didn't care what anybody else thought about it. Wow....

Seeing just how bad women do have it sometimes in a man's world, it's easy to get on the "us against them" wagon going the other way; I have to admit to riding for a while. Once after a rant from me about what pigs men can be, the same roommate at the time remarked; "Gee, you're gonna be pretty smart once you get a pussy"! ULP!!

Both sides get some share of crap in the gender battle. I'll be glad for anything that tears down the divisions; who knows, maybe we'll have some part in this.....

Just for fun

2009-05-26T11:25:00.002-07:00

The Force Is Strong In This One
Electronics Store Canada
Customer: “Hello, I would like to return this item.”
Me: “Ok, what was the problem?”
Customer: “I just don’t need it anymore.”
Me: “Ok, do you have the receipt?”
Customer: “Yes, here it is.”
Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t return this. It’s from six months ago.”
Customer: “Yes you can…” *waves hands in the air*
Me: “I’m sorry, no I can’t. I would get in a lot of trouble.”
Customer: “No you won’t…” *waves hands in the air again*
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m not going to do that.”
Customer: *turns and leaves*
Me, to coworker: “Did I just get Jedi mind-tricked?”

For more retail hell:
http://notalwaysright.com/

ROOM FOR RENT

2009-05-24T11:28:00.001-07:00

I recently lost the best roommate I've ever had, for some reason she thought she oughtta go back home...gee, thanks Kim! LOL So I'm looking again.

I have a nice home in Lake Havasu City, Arizona. I am looking for a new roommate, and I would prefer a TG person. Must be reliable, neat and clean, with a verifiable source of income to pay bills. No drugs and no smoking in the house, caged pets are welcome. Rent amount is negotiable, but I like to use a flat rate that covers ALL your bills; rent, utilities, ALL FOOD AND DRINK, laundry facilities, and included high-speed internet service. Phone and television service would be your own responsibility if you need them. If you agree to the flat rate idea, right now I am asking $625.
The rented room is 11 X 11, carpeted, with a small closet. You have your own private full bath directly adjacent to the room. A corner unit desk and full size bed can be included for no additional charge. 2 closets seperate from the bedroom are available for your use, as well as a small amount of garage space for storage (parking is in the driveway). Outside of this, you have full access to the home, with the exception of my bedroom/bath, and the third bedroom, which is my workspace.
I insist things in the general living areas be kept neat and clean. Basically this just means you need to be able to clean up after yourself at all times, and help with a little household cleaning. I work from home, so I am usually present but I will respect your privacy. Email me here or putergurl@hotmail.com.

Oh gee, she's spawning!

2009-05-23T13:41:00.002-07:00

Just a heads up about my new blog, "Marie is Flickle", flickleputergurl.blogspot.com. Cinema related drivel from a 'Zonie in the boonies.

Gee, I wanna take a shower!

2009-05-18T07:34:00.001-07:00

The Doctor's Instructions (cribbed from email)

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Patel about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Patel advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Patel's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, " Hickory dickory dock...."

Bored? This is fun!

2009-05-16T10:08:00.001-07:00

http://blogs.moneycentral.msn.com/smartspending/?fpn=how%20to%20properly%20destroy%20a%20credit%20card&GT1=33009

Make sure you read the readers comments.

Mary Overkill

Crosspost from PinkEssence, sorry so long!

2009-05-10T14:23:00.002-07:00

I was recently asked to share my experiences with HRT, so I thought I'd add my $.02 here if anyone cares to read. As much of our experiences go, mine was very similar yet slightly different from most. Perhaps the differences are more in the telling, but who knows. At any rate, I can corroborate what most of the other posts here have already mentioned, so I'll try to only share what I found was different.

I would also like to mention that I'm no expert and I don't consider my own experience or anyone else's to be a tutorial on HRT. These are powerful drugs with the capability of affecting far reaching negative consequences . You must do your own research, be your own advocate, and get professional medical assistance; at the very least have regular blood checks (every 3 months minimum to start) and wellness monitoring done. I DO NOT recommend self medicating, but I know it happens so regardless of how you get your hormones, your doctor MUST KNOW what you are doing in order to be able to help you.

I very recently had the experience of watching a friend who had been self medicating on far too high a dosage, end up in the hospital with massive blood clots in her lungs. Guess what, she smokes too! She now can never go back to HRT without causing herself imminent danger. She is now permanently shut off from one of the most beneficial avenues in transition. PLEASE QUIT SMOKING AND GET MEDICAL HELP!

Because I live in a remote area, there are no experts immediately available; I knew that I would be teaching my doctor as much as anything, I wanted to give my doctor the best impression that I was facing this in an informed and cautious manner. These dosages were all on my own behest after at least a year of intense research on my own about hormone regimes and it's possible effects given available knowledge and my known medical history. I do know for example that I have always had very immediate and strong reactions to any medications, in other words they have always had their prescribed affect immediately and with relatively low dosages. I also do not smoke, and anyone who does is exponentially increasing their risks on HRT.I feel the extra time involved in getting up to my current dosage was a pittance compared to the lifetime I'd waited to start. I won't mention exact dosages or meds here; again I do not feel this should be a tutorial on what to take, you've got to do your own research on what will help you most.

I would also mention that I began my own regular measurements using a cloth tape measure, of the typical 3 points used for bra fitting, as well as waist, buttocks, and thighs. Just try to be consistent on where and how you measure.

After a full blood test, I initially started on only a low dosage of an antiandrogyne 1/2 of the minimum recommended dosage, taken daily. I remained on this for 30 days, paying attention to side effects. As expected, I saw an immediate diuretic effect, and increased my water intake to compensate. I now keep 3 large cups of water, one at my bedside, one at my desk, and one at my dresser; I commonly drink them all every day as well as water with meals or whenever I'm thirsty.

After the initial 30 days with no unexpected side effects, I also began a very low dosage of an estrogen, approx. 1/3 of what my expected maximum dosage should be, and again 1/2 of the recommended minimum dosage.

After another 30 days (now 60 days total), I increased the antiandrogyne to the minimum recommended dosage. This was followed for another 30 days.

Now at 90 days with no uninteded effects, I returned to the doctor after getting another full blood test. My T levels were already within female norms by now, and lipids had not been adversely affected. We therefore kept the antiandrogyne at its current dosage, and increased the estrogen to the minimum recommended dosage.
After another 30 days, I increased the estrogen to it's current dosage, which is now 2/3 of the maximum recommended dosage, though still at least 1/2 of what I hear some are taking.

I stayed on this dosage until my next 3 month checkup and bloodwork. Both E and T levels were within normal female range, and it was now that I requested starting a progesterone, again half of the minimum recommended dosage; this was continued for 30 days, after which I went to the full minimum recommended dosage. These dosages have been what I have followed for the past 3 years.

As mentioned by others, in the beginning much of the initial feelings are at least possibly psychsomatic. But I did have a marked sense of peace develop over the very first week, the feeling that a weight had been lifted from my soul. As the antiandrogyne began to affect me I became much more calm; this has been the single greatest blessing to me.

By the end of 3 months, spontaneous erections had ceased and the diuretic effect had seemingly plateued. I was also feeling the beginnings of a nodule forming under my nipples, though I cannot say I felt any increased sensitivity.

By 6 months, ejaculate was becomming clearer and any erection required direct stimulation. I have always had soft skin, so that effect was hard to judge. I did however have drier and clearer skin, and was now able to cease the topical acne treatment I had been using most of my adult life. I have also been relatively hairless on my chest all my life, but other body hair was certainly becomming softer and easier to shave. Facial hair was totally unaffected by the hormones, but I had also started laser sessions 6 months previously, with marked patchiness beginning to show. I also began to notice decreased upper body strength. The nodules under my nipples had become larger, they were also beginning to 'get in the way'! While tactile sensation did not increase, my breasts were certainly sensitive to being bumped or jostled. It wasn't really painful but certainly grabbed ones attention; I began to call doors 'booby traps', lol!

At the end of one year, people who had not seen me for some time were noticing marked changes in my face. I now could see nice rounded thighs when I sat down, in fact my derriere and thigh measurements had far outpaced my breast measurements! I still have not had any great increase in weight, thank goodness my ectomorph physique did not seem affected. The nodules in my breasts had expanded and flattened, becomming disks under the nipples; while not as great as I would have liked my areolas had expanded and darkened some and nipples were slightly larger. Body strength had certainly decreased, but not debilitatingly so. I just needed to use leverage more often and take more trips to move things. I also began to get accustomed to asking for help, that was a big cultural shift for me!

I am now 3 years into HRT. Breasts are no longer sore or tender, nicely rounded and a full A cup. Larger would have been nice, but I like that they are all mine and seem proportional for my physique. I do know that the C-cup I thought I'd want seems way too big, if I ever get BA I'll stick with a B-cup.The only unwelcome change I have to mention is my nails. Despite progesterone, and daily vitamin supplements, they are slow to grow, and extremely thin and brittle. Skin is definitely drier, moisturizing and exfoliating is a constant routine. With less coarse body hair and regular shaving I do get constant remarks about my skin, though I still don't believe it's any softer than when I started.
Erections still happen though much less readily. I wasn't really hoping to retain this, but I'm not unhappy that I have. Ejaculate is almost nonexistant, that alone has been extremely welcome; I never liked the messiness before and having it go away has seen sex become much more pleasant for me. Orgasm is just as most have already mentioned, but I would add that in the right circumstances I am at least somewhat multi-orgasmic!
Mood change has still been the greatest gift of all. I did not see great mood swings, I attest that to my gradual hormone regime. I am certainly calmer, though I feel less focused sometimes. My son clearly got his ADHD from me, and that has become more of a challenge for me than it was before. Instead of mood swings, I do find my emotions are much more accessible. I really 'feel ' again, when before I usually just felt dead. It's not out of control, but I can cry much more easily, both in happiness and in sadness. Yeah, I 'get' chick flicks now :D

What's in a name, Dues Ex

2009-05-07T15:16:00.002-07:00

This is a fun topic for me, fun because my chosen name seems so fateful, melodic, and true to myself all at the same time. Though it has touches of the tragedies that befall all our lives, I think the story is fun too. The impetus for posting this was reading Katie's latest blog post, http://in-myown-skin.blogspot.com/2009/05/whats-in-name.html

I was originally named after my birth father, I had his first and last name. He was killed (so Mom said) shortly after my birth, and my 1st stepfather legally adopted myself and my 2 sisters, giving us his last name. He also had a family tradition of assigning middle names of boys according to the names of US presidents, and I was given Thomas as homage to Thomas Jefferson; something I eventually carried forward when naming my own son Zachary.

Some time after this, my one older sister Julie was struck and killed by a drunk driver while crossing the street in front of our house. This left me as the oldest child in the family; though I was still very young at the time, I am to this day impacted by haunting memories of my older sister. Though their marriage eventually disintegrated as a result of this, I was left with my stepfather's surname for the rest of my younger life.

I served 20 years in the US Navy. Anybody military knows that when you report to any duty station, you typically get assigned a nickname. You can choose to accept the name or live in hell for the duration of your tour, since your discomfort will be readily apparent and capitalized upon to cause you grief!
My first shipboard assignment after training was in 1984 on a fast-frigate stationed in Hawaii. A popular TV show at the time was called "Riptide". In it, the main characters had a nerdy but loveable computer geek sidekick named Murray. One evening on duty shortly after reporting, this was our choice of entertainment. Someone in the group watching noted my resemblance to Murray and I was therein christened!
Despite, or because of the unflattering resemblance, the name stuck. REALLY stuck! My own name at the time largely stopped being used for anything but official correspondence as I was always introduced to all my social and work contacts as Murray. My first wife (in a convenience marriage) as well as my second wife (who was both a cast off love interest of my first wife and introduced to me by her) both knew me and introduced me to their families as Murray.

During my first marriage (one of convenience), my lesbian 'wife' helped me explore my fem self, and by extrapolating my nickname we came upon Marie as my first fem name. It's definitely fem, and I really took a liking to it right away.

I had several nicknames through childhood as well; it never seemed difficult or weird to accept all these different names; I wonder if perhaps this is a symptom or contributing factor to my lack of an identity that I……err, identified with ?

Many of my childhood and young adult fantasies revolved around magical or accidental transformations (gee, ya think?). For lack of a suitable female example, I therefore always identified most with Spiderman as a superhero figure. Around the time after my second wife left to be with women and before I had started transition, I was briefly involved with a man who was also a Spiderman fan. I took to calling him Tiger, and assumed the initials MJ.

My mother was killed shortly before my second wife left me. One of her longstanding unresolved wishes was that one of us name a child after our sister Julie. This had not happened yet amongst my siblings, and obviously I could not give my son Julie as any part of his name.

When it finally came time to decide my name, Marie was a given as a first name. I never had any real connection to my stepfather's surname, so I ditched it and took my birth father's last name. My middle name was trickier; it just seemed too morbid to take my sister's name directly, yet I wanted to retain it and 'J' as a middle initial. Hence Marie Julieanne Aponte was christened.

To this day I really love my name; the only difficulty has been that people often assume my first name to be Maria, given that my last name starts with A I can see that.

She's baaaaack!

2009-05-03T12:49:00.005-07:00

My departure from Yahoo360 has seen me expand my presence online again. I think I've posted and commented more these past couple weeks than I have in a year! It's great being back in touch, I had not realized how much 360 was hampering my desire to communicate. The flip side is that my drivel is now afflicting you all again! Just remember you can always tell me "Can it, shmanit, Janet"!

I'm on a Rocky Horror Picture Show bend again lately, immersing myself in the movie and it's details in preparation for using it as part of the entertainment for our local Pride group festivities in September. Columbia will be DJ'ing the dance, and I'm hoping to get enough participation to perhaps do a couple skits from the movie. We'll at least be doing the Time Warp again!

The pic is from last year's Fetish and Fantasy Ball in Las Vegas, myself on the left with some other denizens of the event. Jack was really cool, but his emotions are sorta one dimensional, lol! I'd love to be in a regular troupe doing RHPS, but nothing like that exists here in the boonies, perhaps I can get one started?

Anyhow, my resurgence here is a reflection of my own recent efforts to regain my footing, rediscover myself, find my mojo; whatever you'd like to call it. It comes after a period of time where whoever 'Marie' is has been defined through participation in the more mundane things that supposedly make up a life; work, dating, etc. The spectacular failures that have occurred for me in dating, coupled with the stresses today's economy has put on us all, have made me realize I still have been framing things in some of the same paradigms that I used before transition. It's been leading me away from a trust in pursuing the Way, towards the same cynicism and isolation that plagued me then too; gee, big surprise! See, transition does not cure all your problems ;)

Call it The Way, The Secret, following the Goddess, divine inspiration, whathaveyou. I credit this cosmic flush in my attitude to a figurative smack-upside-the-head I received from my good friend Kim Pearson. I accompanied her while she participated in the filming of a segment for an upcoming National Geographic special regarding gender (details forthcoming in another blog). She is the executive director for Trans Youth Family Allies (http://www.imatyfa.org/), a group that I believe is doing more towards our future than anyone realizes. They need all of our support, so if you can spare anything, PLEASE GIVE!

Kim is one of the most positive people I know, and just a bit of time with her lately has been enough to re-kindle my own spirit. Some chicken-therapy with Lori D, the love and support of the rest of the 'coop, as well as a few other very special people have helped too.

I've not had the chance to ask her for permission to point out her blog, so I will keep the source anonymous. Another lady amongst us has seen the joy that comes from leading a life complete. As further testimony to what can happen when we give of our own self and trust in the bounty that faith can bring, I'll finish this with my response to her:

It's fabulous seeing your progress! I can still recall your setting out; you have really broken some molds :) You are beginning to see what the complete you can really do, unhobbled by leading a false life. You're completion is seeing you gain an aura that others will see and respond to, you only need have faith in yourself for it to show.

Something I began to notice when my own blossoming was going on, is how uncommon this seems to be amongst people in general. I feel we trans-people sometimes think we are the only ones with identity issues and unresolved ambitions; I think the truth is that most people harbor these things to some extent.

So as others here have mentioned, yes we are indeed blessed. Even those who maintain their duality for whatever reason can take heart from realizing we DO enjoy a gift. Who else get's to see life from the variety of perspectives we do?

Society's problems with us can cloud that if we let it; but it really is their problem, we are not the aberration. Tempered with humility and grace towards others, our positive energy is a catalyst to others as well as an unlimited source of strength.

Rock on babe!

Glacial change

2009-04-29T21:36:00.001-07:00

National Hate Crimes Bill passes the house! BTW, our own Kim Pearson and TYFA are in Washington DC right now doing their part! THANK YOU KIM AND THANK YOU TYFA!

Hope

2009-04-22T10:06:00.000-07:00

I've been following the Angie Zapata murder trial since it's inception with a sense of dread. In the same state that brought us Columbine, the same area of our country where we lost Matthew Shepherd, and where TYFA (www.imatyfa.org) has found so much anti-trans bias; I found it hard to believe we might see justice for Angie. I'm moved, saddened and hopeful all at the same time. Saddened that we still have lost so many bright spots due to hate, and that such a defense as was presented in the case could possibly be considered relevant. Such beautiful young people taken far too early by hate.......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66nqhVtq6xo
I'm hopeful

Cinema Paradiso (US directors cut)

2009-03-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

10 tissues
Holy moly, what a movie! If you haven't figured it out, I'm a movie nut; well I especially like foreign films, it's no mistake that many of my favorite movies are foreign films. Come to think of it, many of them are Italian as well. The US DVD of this movie is subtitled and I know that turns some people off; luckily I usually forget a movie is in subtitles within the first few scenes. Also, at 174 minutes it's a bit long, the directors cut adds the 'what happened to everybody' ending.
All that aside, the rest is just golden! Acting, casting, and especially cinematography were incredible, it's no surprise it won the Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film in 1990. It's a love story, with lessons on loyalty; oh, and it's got history in it (another favorite subject), oh oh, and it's a movie about loving movies!
Apparently the movie bombed on it's initial release in Italy, so it was pulled from circulation and cut from 155 to 123 minutes. The US theatrical release was the 155 minute version. Some purists would say the 155 minute version is best, with a short sweet ending that leaves the fates of the lovers to fond memory; but I'm glad I saw the extended version. Apparently some DVD's have both versions, one on each side; but I didn't have a chance to check before I resealed the Netflix envelope to return it.
Besides the two gorgeous actors playing the lovers, on a personal level I liked best the way the film looked at loyalty in love. It takes me a long time to say the 'L' word to somebody I'm involved with, when I have it really seems to have meant something deeper to me than it did to anyone I've met so far. I'd enjoy some feedback about this. Is that how we all feel after a relationship breaks up, like nobody understands what love means to us? At any rate, to me it transcends conventions like monogamy or possesiveness, and is centered around honesty and a loyalty that says each person will be there for the other no matter what.
That's a big ticket to punch, one that many of us unknowingly punched a little too early; hence the tragedy that GID usually creates in our relationships. Bizarrely enough that wasn't how my own marriage was sundered, I only pursued transition after my ex decided she had her own immutable need she had to pursue, namely being with women. It was a cruel twist that she couldn't see me as one when she knew that's what I wanted; even though it left me free to pursue myself without the guilt so many of us harbor for being the source of the dissolution.
Maybe as a result I can't really talk to others about this guilt, but I think those in this position need to remember that we get cheated out of the chance to be honest about ourselves, both with ourselves and with our lovers, for most of our early lives. In the context of how our lives in this society play out, what choice did you have as you went through the wickets but to hide yourself? Run rabbit, run! It doesn't make it any less a tragedy, but I think we need to give ourselves a break on the guilt factor.

Movie review and confessions of a refugee from the dating world.

2009-02-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

Eternal Sunshine Of the Spotless Mind was my Netflix selection tonight, I rate it 4 tissues! That's how I rate all movies now BTW. The record still stands at a tie of 12 tissues for Beautiful Boxer and for It's A Beautiful Life (no, I don't mean "It's A Wonderful Life", that's a different movie).
Of all Jim Carrey's 'playing against type' movies, I think I found this one the most believable; possibly because he didn't totally remove his comedic touch from the whole movie. Saying that now I realized it's an interesting coincidence considering the theme of the movie, which has to do with sanitizing memories. Kirsten Dunst could be total crap and I would still love her, so I can't really say how she was. Everyone else was great too, it was fun seeing Elijah Wood play a slimeball instead of a sweet hobbit! I always try to watch movies like this long after they come out so I'm not influenced by the hype or press that comes along with the initial release.
As to subject matter, I almost hated the movie because it comes at a time where I'm backing off from the dating world after a series of dissapointments and reevaluating my positions on things in general. I was forced to look at a practice I've engaged in almost every time dating relationships have gone sour; namely that I do my best to sanitize everything about the person from my memory and my life. Is this a common thing to do? It bothers me because it seems kind of childish, in a "I'm takin' all my marbles and going home" sorta way. It is like rewinding a tape, and writing over the past. When you take a really close look at it though, there are always tiny bits of the old that poke back through in spots, like ghosts.
One premise put forth in the movie is that you don't appreciate what you have in a relationship until it's gone. For me that seems total hooey. Whenever the situation became untenable I left, but it's always been all the more heartbreaking in the process because I can see what's being thrown away.
In the end of the movie (SPOILER ALERT), the couple each hear the other's taped admissions of what drove them away from each other; they ultimately decide to ignore that they will likely just make themselves hate each other again and we see them go off in blissful rediscovery. Do people really do this? Hasn't worked for me! When you can see that the other person just is the way they are and they aren't going to change, how can you keep on when you know you cannot live with that aspect of a person? Am I being stubborn, or sticking to my principles?
It's too Hollywood an ending I think, or am I just being sour? Love really does NOT conquer all; too often it just seems to make us stick around too long until we really get hurt.

Are you a syllable hog?

2009-01-27T10:55:00.000-07:00

Random Silliness Ahead!
I was looking at names of all my friends here today, and I was struck by the range in syllables for the names we have chosen. Some have really cute, brief names that hardly take up any syllables at all. Now unless she has chosen a middle name like Roseannaroseannadanna (RIP Gilda), then I think Susan Smith, my friend here in town, has the corner on syllable conservation. And then I looked.....at...mine... Uh oh!
Now I always tell people I have an inner ham, and she's Ms. Piggy! So at first I just attributed my syllabloquaciousness (yes, it's a word, if you don't find it you aren't using the right dictionary, just ask Ms. Piggy!), to my natural hamminess. And for the count, it's Marie Julieanne Aponte. Which by the way, has had the rather annoying effect that some people seem to think after I pronounce it without the middle name , that my first name is Maria, and my last name is Pontay. ERRRR!
Then I started to think about the worldwide phenomenon in which the length of names are inversely related to population. In heavily populated Asian countries, for example, we see short, precise names, like Jet Li. In sparsely populated areas like Iceland, we end up with names like Hildur Helga Sigurðardóttir. I swear, it's a real name! No, that one isn't even in Ms. Piggy's dictionary! And no offense to anyone of Icelandic origins, but I can't say it either! Makes my tongue hurt, OWTH!
So now of course I'm curious if we don't have some sort of index, some sort of common experience where we differ in extremes that has some mysterious inverse connection to the length of names we pick?
After much scientific thought, I have what I think is an obvious link. OK, it was only as much thought as it took to finish off the dregs in the bottom of the icecream box in front of me.....
Could it be desired boob size?!
Now, going into my third year of HRT, the girls are a shapely but not exactly statuesque 36A. And more that I think about it, while it might have been nice if mother had blessed me a little more in the gene pool there, I think I'll be happy with them as they are. I like that they're all me ;) Did I compensate with my name by scamming off with all 8 syllables? Where does that leave Susan? Good luck with those honey, but hey, you make it look FABULOUS!
So there you have it, and I'm throwing it out for consideration. Does my theory hold any mammaries or do I need a Wonderbra? Is there some other possible connection? Who has the longest syllable count in their name? Shortest?

Call me Ms. Dolittle

2008-11-05T10:53:00.000-07:00

Some time ago when returning from Glamis, CA after dropping my son off with his mother (Glamis is our prescribed meeting place, being midway between San Diego and Lake Havasu City), I came across my Bull snake, Carly. She was stretched across the road, sunning herself as I passed. I thought I had run her over, but I went back to look anyhow. She was fine, and I had a sturdy bag from my car cover in the trunk to take her home with. Some of you may recall my saying she was a Corn snake, but I have recently found out that was incorrect. The only thing of note that makes different, is that her maximum length she may reach has now been revised up nearly another 2 feet from her current 67" length!
Well, here's a new chapter in my story of animal magnetism! This adorable bird, an African Gray parrot, came into my yard this week, all on it's own. Obviously either abandoned or lost/escaped, he is tame as can be. I carefully put my hand to him where he was perched, he climbed right on my hand and basically has not left my side all week!
The poor guy had to stay in a box overnight, but I found a nice new cage the following day for only $40. It's actually a rodent cage, but suits him just fine. I wasn't about to shell out $200+ bucks for a cage when somebody might come for him!
Of course, I reported it to the local animal shelter; but at this point I really hope nobody comes for him! He's apparently very young, and has only started to vocalize, though he doesn't say any words yet. After myself, my roommate and her daughter brainstormed a bit, we've mostly settled on Gandalf as a name :) How do I know it's a boy? The same way I knew Carly was a girl, women's intuition, lol! It's possible to sex them, but who cares? Sort of fitting that I might have gender confused animals for pets, eh?
This all reminds me of my father, who we lost in 1998 to cancer. He was a bird fancier and always had one or 2 cockatiels or other birds about. I'd never thought about keeping one myself, their exhorbitant price tags usually made me pass them by in the pet store. Can't beat this price, so what the hey, and they say pets make you live longer!

Columbia Rides Again!

2008-11-01T09:48:00.000-07:00

In what has turned into an annual event for me, I made it once again to the Las Vegas Halloween Fetish and Fantasy Ball this year I've been going since the 2006 event, and have had a fabulous time every year.
I nearly did not go. Financial constraints (like the rest of us), not being able to get a new costume, as well as a case of the funks brought on by my boyfriends family (long story), all had me questioning the wisdom of going. Thankfully, Mari (she's the gorgeous Pixie on the left), and my friend Eden who was also coming from San Diego helped convince me to go. Columbia (from Rocky Horror Picture Show) was pressed back into service as my costume again this year .
It was a great decision! In my typical fashion, a planned 10AM departure time ended up stretching to almost 4PM But this still left plenty of time to visit and go out for dinner with Mari, and get ready for the Ball which started at 10PM.
This year's event was held at the Las Vegas Sport Center, one of their long-time locations. They have really outgrown this location, and they have tried other venues in recent years. But with last year's venue having been a minor disaster they wisely went back to what works this year. The 2006 event was the most successfully I've seen, but that was held at the now demolished Stardust hotel/casino.
Still, it was a great time!! Mari's friend Jenna (the babealicious angel on the right) joined us all the way from Maine! We spent the first part of the event getting drinks (long lines) and watching the shows going on, as well as the circus of people around us. See the website for the event, http://www.halloweenball.com/ for more info about the acts that showed up this year, as well as pics from prior years events (I'm in the 2007 pics ). Within a few weeks, they should post pictures of this year's event.
After tiring of walking around in sexy but less than comfortable heels, we all found a tiered podium where we could sit and watch the parade go by. It turned into a great spot, with the three of us drawing a constant crowd taking pictures with us! I'm certain the event photographers caught us all at least once, so we'll no doubt be in the 2008 pics on their web page.
We eventually ended up back on the main event floor, being just in time to catch some of the wickedest acts there, including Rubber Doll and FAQ, Chain Goddess, Perish and Mycol Fire. The Time Warp Players did a fair rendition of 'The Time Warp', but they were conspicuously missing Riff-Raff, Columbia, and Magenta! I would have liked to do my best to represent Columbia, but I got a little , BACAAWK!
We finally ended up closing the show after 4AM, and went to a Denny's for some breakfast. Only in Las Vegas could we all have shown up at Denny's in full regalia, and nobody batted an eye!! I was actually a little chagrined at this, my inner ham was tempted to burst into a 'Time Warp' routine right there to make up for my earlier timidness! I'm sure Mari and Jenna will thank me for my restraint later .
So there you have it! If any of you would like to attend next year's event, start making plans NOW! Watch the web page for announcement of the location and get reservations if it's held at a hotel/casino. This is way more convenient than driving in costume to the event. Tickets typically go on sale immediately after they announce their location, and will be much cheaper than their at-the-door or last minute prices. Get your costume idea and go for it! With a little creativity, you can make your own as I did (expensive, but it looks fabulous!), or apply some polish and pizazz to a packaged costume. I'm sure to go again, all things willing; I'd enjoy meeting you there!
I don't know if this link will work, but the event photographers are posting pics at their web site, we are in there:
http://www.partypics.com/ver2/EventImages.aspx?Page=9

PUNCHLINE!!

2008-10-07T09:47:00.000-07:00

What do you get if you stuff a chicken in your bra?
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Chick-a-D's!!!!!! BA'CAAAWK!

(letter to a friend) Heartsmile!

2008-09-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

Hi L That's what I call it when something makes me smile inside, it was like that seeing your message in my inbox here :)
I know all too well the place you find yourself. What begins as a pleasant diversion becomes a burning question of identity. As time goes by, we stack the scales with reasons why on one side, and why not to pursue our selves on the other, looking for something to tip the scales and tell us which way to go. It reminds me, oddly enough, about an old Popeye cartoon. While chasing his nemesis Bluto, Popeye comes upon a very small bedouin tent; when he looks inside the tent it is bizarrely huge and spacious, but when he looks outside again, it's still just a small tent. All the concrete reasons we set up to try to make sense of it all mean nothing, because it still just is.
I know the precise moment when I knew that I had to pursue the person I'm unfolding into. All those concrete reasons I'd set up to deny myself had finally been stripped away. Still, I struggled for nearly 3 months directly with the question of whether to transition or not. I often wonder what it was that finally tipped the scales for me, I'm still not certain. But I woke up with a bolt one morning around 3:00 AM, finally seeing with clarity of vision what it was I should do. The only thing I've come to surmise is that I finally knew what I wanted, with no excuses or justifications one way or the other about what others wanted.
It sounds so selfish on the outside, because it is all about one's self. I think I realized the person I thought I would be taking away from my loved ones would cease to exist anyway if I didn't let myself be.
Two years later, there are still things I lost from transition that give me great sadness, but I have no regrets. It just is what it is.....
M

I've probably iterated all this before, but what the hey. No, it's not to Lori, lol!

Demi!

2008-08-15T09:43:00.000-07:00

I've always thought I resembled Demi most, this is the first pic to have her chosen tho. Kate Beckinsale? Woot-woot!

Huh?

2008-08-15T09:23:00.000-07:00

2008-06-09T08:12:00.000-07:00

OK, in case you haven't caught wind of this, there is apparently a cult of transgendered chickens running about! That's right, roosters dressed as hens, and some of them have even had surgeries to remove their combs! Goodness knows where this might go, but for those who don't believe, take a look at this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YwnAdT9I_o
We absolutely must ensure these new sisters are welcomed to the community with open......wings?
Hmmmm, wings........
BA'CAAWK!

The big purple dragon

2008-06-06T08:09:00.000-07:00

I love fantasy artwork, and sometime ago when I was putting together a MySpace page, I came across this one. It's come to be the embodiment of GID for me, a face to the monster we all fight and deal with. Email me if you like and I'll attempt to send the full jpeg.
With my having entered transition some 2 years ago, and things generally going well enough, my dragon has become a bit sleepy. An occasional snort here and there was all I've heard for a while.
After attending IFGE in April, along with the tremendous struggles, trials and successes I've been witnessing from my friends, and finally my own recent relationship issues; the slumbering dragon seems to be waking. I'm seeing how terribly relentless it is, how beautiful it can be, yet how sharp it's talons!
Where'd I put Hrunting?

Poultry Patrol

2008-06-02T09:18:00.000-07:00

Photo courtesy of Mari!
In yet another breakthrough poultrytudinous event, a pair of hens flew the coop and showed up at the San Fransisco Gay Pride event this year!
These hens really went all out in a brave show of Poultry Pride and point to the groundswell of T-chickens that won't be silenced and simply must cluck out!
Rock-on TChicks!!

He found me!

2008-05-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soulmate
The picture is the sunset from atop Friendly Isle, a very small island in Lake Havasu. There are more great pics from that day, but that one is possibly the most scenic; I'm a sucker for sunrise/sunset pics, anyhow! I always try to appreciate them when I have the time to watch, I think of them as a gentle reminder that for every end, there is always a fresh start around the corner.
I'm a bit of a movie nut, so I sometimes tend to frame a lot of references around my favorite movies. The day I took these pictures, I was reminded of the movie, 'What Dreams May Come'. For those who have not seen it, amongst other things, the movie speaks about the eternity of our souls, and the immutable bond that soulmates have to each other.
My soulmate has found me, his name (in this life, anyhow!) is Steve. Late last month, he proposed to me, and sealed it with an engagement ring earlier this month! Yes, I accepted!!
We are both Aquarians, and love the water. We've been looking for a place on the lake where we can hold our ceremony; Friendly Isle, where the picture was taken, is now our first pick! It's accesible only by boat, so the marriage party is going to be necessarily limited, but we are planning to return to and hold a reception at a beach (Rotary Park) back in Lake Havasu City.
We had been hoping to do this perhaps this fall, but given the level of preparation required to pull this off, it looks as though it may be next spring before we can do this with good weather. I'll post more info as we figure it all out, but anybody who knows me is of course invited! Attendees outside the marriage party can certainly come to the island for the ceremony, but you will have to find your own boat ride there! Given the people each of us knows in the area, there may be some opportunities for this; I hope to have a count of people with a boat who do plan to attend that can spare a seat. At any rate, the reception will have plenty of room for anyone who wants to attend.
That's the story thus far, keep an eye out here for a date! Thanks in advance for all your well wishes!

And then he left me!

2008-05-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

Oh.....NEVER MIND!
That's right, no wedding, engagement called off.
The whole relationship was built over a lie.
I forgave him the lie, but he couldn't get over the guilt, so he left. Great solution, huh?
I'm beginning to understand why so many of us are trans-lesbian! Men suck. It gets clearer every day (and I'm happier for it) that I never was one. What don't guys understand about total honesty?
My heart is crushed, but my spirit says, "Fuck it". I guess I'm getting used to people walking out on me.
On a good note, I got the job to uninstall/transfer/install the check-out lane media kiosk equipment from our local WalMart to it's new location at our soon-to-open Super Wallyworld. Good stuff$$
It's pouring rain here in the desert.
I STILL REALLY NEED A ROOMMATE!
Have a great weekend everyone, I see a marathon gaming session in my plans!

By popular demand!

2008-05-21T07:56:00.000-07:00

http://transspace.ning.com/xn/detail/u_emmatgirl
OK, maybe it wasn't a huge demand.....OK, it was just Mari that asked! Well, she's very popular as far as I'm concerned, she's been on Lori TV for cryin' out loud, lol!
With all due props to Emma Ross (please see her page at TransSpace, link above), the writer of this little ditty, I present to you The Tranny Girl Song! Remember this must be sung with the typical Monty Python lilt as in The Lumberjack Song!
The Tranny Girl Song
I'm a tranny girl, and I'm okay. I club all night. I shop all day. Admirers : She's a tranny girl, and she's okay. She clubs all night and she shops all day. I shave my legs. I eat my lunch. I go to the lavatory. On Wednesdays I go shoppin' And have beans and hash for tea. Admirers : She shaves her legs. She eats her lunch. She goes to the lavatory. On Wednesdays she goes shopping And has beans and hash for tea. Chorus : She's a tranny girl, and she's okay. She clubs all night and she shops all day. I shave my legs. I stride and stomp. I like to hunt wild foods. I put on denim trousers And hang around in woods. Admirers : She shaves her legs. She strides and stomps. She likes to hunt wild foods. She puts on denim trousers And hangs around in woods?! Chorus : She's a tranny girl, and she's okay. She clubs all night and she shops all day. I shave my legs. I wear steel boots, A tool belt, and hard hat. I wish I'd been a woodsman, Just like my dear Mama. Admirers : She shaves her legs. She wears steel boots, A tool belt, and hard hat?! Chorus : She's a tranny girl, and she's okay. She clubs all night and she shops all day. Yes, she's a tranny girl, and she's ok-a-y. She clubs all night and she shops all day.

And now for something completely different.....

2008-05-20T07:51:00.000-07:00

After seeing a post where the Monty Python Lumberjack song was altered into a decidedly more trans-related bent, I think I have a case of the sillies again ;)
So by way of explanation, my daily blast will now contain the more ridiculous of subject lines taken from my daily ration of spam emails. Just checking if you're all paying attention, lol. Enjoy!

Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot!

2008-05-06T07:50:00.000-07:00

http://health.msn.com/health-topics/sexual-health/mens-sexual-health/articlep...
Proper receptacle?
Excuse me!!?

Please Beware

2008-04-27T07:49:00.000-07:00

Hi all
I have had the unfortunate pleasure of encountering some web-nastiness recently. It's taken the form of someone with a blank Yahoo profile named Mark Y, who has somehow gleaned personal information about me and my friends. This person is now using that information and embellishing it with misinformation in an apparent attempt to cause me grief via my friends.
I won't indulge this persons efforts by commenting here, the purpose of this blog is simply to warn my friends. Please check your Yahoo page security features and ensure that you are only allowing accepted friends to comment on your blogs. Please ask and I can provide a detailed written step-by-step for doing so if you need it. This is a good step for anyone to take in any event.
Furthermore, I would not in the least be offended if you removed me from your friends list. Of course, I would hope you could supply me with alternate contact information so that we do not lose contact!
Thanks for listening, let's be careful out there!

More dating quandaries

2008-04-18T23:47:00.000-07:00

OK, here is another issue some of you may encounter. I am currently involved with a guy named "Bob", his sister is "Sarah". "Sarah" has a husband named "Gary". Read her first message at the bottom, then my reply
Here follows the email conversation....
Hello Sarah
Thank you so much for sharing with me, I feel like we are well on the way to really understanding each other and hopefully being good friends. I SOOO value a genetic woman's friendship and openness, it helps me in learning at least a tiny bit of what I was denied while growing up. Even though I was made to culturize as a male, I have always felt more kinship with other women. I feel so bad for my four sisters sometimes, because I understand and sympathize for the raw deal that women get in our culture. There were abuse issues of every sort for my sisters (and myself, but that's besides the point) while growing up. They have all four had a rough row to hoe.
I won't presume to say I know the depth of your struggle, but I can say I truly believe you in every aspect of what you say about it; I would never discount any of that. Rather, I am in awe of what you've accomplished despite it all, and proud to know someone of your strength and resilience. It's a very small percentage of people, male or female, who can overcome all of what you have.
I hope that you might read this straight through, though I know it is long. If you want the simple answer to your question about why I feel the need to 'advertise' my identity, then page through and look for the asterisks '*****'. The short answer is there. 'True Selves' will elucidate and back me up on this, which is why I so want you to read it.
There was a little girl once, who, despite everything she knew to the contrary, was forced to deny and subjugate herself, her very identity and essence, because she was born with the opposite genitalia from her mind. As she grew in this confused state, even her body rebelled against her mind and formed into the genetic male I physically became. Every Christmas, every birthday, every trip to the store for clothes, every day in school when the girls didn't want to play with me though I didn't want to play with the boys. Every time I looked in the mirror, absolutely everything was a denial of who I felt I was, such that I stopped believing it and pushed that identity to a very dark place I thought it could never escape from.
I don't think I was ever considered a very manly man, but I became convincing enough that I could function pretty well in this man's world (as much as women might want it to be different, it still is that way). I did some notable things in my 20 year military career, and enjoyed more than the average share of success.
That career and the family life I started was for a very long time, enough to distract me from my identity questions. But eventually, any career draws to a close. Mine did, and at that point, only my family life was left as distraction from the need to be myself. Both my parents were gone at this point, my father taken by cancer, my mother by foul play. My own mortality was becoming evident to me. I treasured my family greatly, coming from the similarly broken family life you did, I wanted that stable family life for myself and my child that I was denied. Had that family also lasted, I might never have pursued transition.
But at some point, my wife's sexuality struggles became too much for her and she declared the need to leave me and pursue a life being with women. I cannot deny culpability in this, my identity struggle was making me so miserable, I was climbing into a bottle to escape it and making others around me miserable. At any rate, it was only after this happened that I pursued transition.
It might seem a blessing, that I could grow up with white male privilege. And I understand how some women might feel I am an interloper, now 'infiltrating' the life of a woman. I won't deny there were indeed some compensations in growing up male. But all my successes were empty to me, I never felt they were 'mine'.
******************************************************************************************************
'Cisgendered' is the label used to define people who have a homogenous gender identity and biological sex. A cisgendered woman feels like a woman, and has the body of a woman; the male bodied cisgender identifies as male.
The most common mistake among cisgendered people is to fail to separate gender identity from sexuality (I'm sorry Sarah, but nearly the first words you said here did just that when you pegged this as a sexuality issue!). Therefore, it becomes easy for the cisgendered to assume that a transgender person should be able to 'hide' their being transgender just as a homosexual person can hide their sexuality. If one can ignore the stereotyping of gay and lesbian people, you know that a person's sexuality is invisible, a woman who is lesbian does not 'look' inherently different from a straight woman.
The issue here is identity, not sexuality! If you read straight through this letter (or if you go back now and do so) you will see that at every turn, identity, not sexuality, is the 'issue' for me.
According to most people I meet, I "pass"; in other words, I look like a woman to most everyone around me. I don't know if you believe this, I don't believe I do "pass", but for the arguments sake I will concede that I do, and Gary, for example, will not question I am simply a woman.
Perhaps, by virtue of my favorable genetics, people believe I am simply a woman (again, I don't believe everyone sees this). This is gratifying, but if I identify as truly a woman to people I meet, I am lying. I am hiding my identity, past and present, from others. My sexuality is nobody's business but my own, and certainly doesn't need to be advertised. But my identity is not the same thing. If I am asked, "What did you do in the past for work"?, sure, I could play off that I was in the military for 20 years as a woman (again, a lie, but let's just play along with society here, right?) The next question is commonly, "Did you and your husband have children"? I could lie here for conversations sake to bypass the issue, but would YOU deny your own children's existence? The next question is commonly, "How old is your son and/or where does he live"? My son lives in San Diego with his mother..........
Lie after lie is compounded, almost instantly. I'm not being asked to simply hide who I go to bed with, I'm being asked to hide who I am. I just got done NOT hiding that I am female, should I now hide that I WAS male?
Alone by myself, I could go out to social events and be approached by men who see me as a woman. Again, it's gratifying, but let's face it, men are not particularly discriminating, are they?!! lol! "oh gee, look at the tits, yep, must be a girl!"
I could let that go, and say yes, I am a woman. Then I go out with the guy, who has proclaimed to all his buddies that he is "going out with the hottie by the pool table"!
If he and all his friends believe this, then he and I go out and perhaps some petting begins to happen. If I have really 'fooled' him this far (the standard accusation for those girls like me who have failed to "ADVERTISE" who they are), by now he finds out I have a penis. That's how girls like me end up dragged on a chain behind some stupid homophobic redneck's pick-up truck.....
All of what I have said can be dismissed as fervor rhetoric by an interested party. Perhaps it is, but it is nonetheless the truth.
So let's say we go out on our motorcycle outing this coming weekend, and Bob and I take a spill. Knocked unconscious, with my clothes ripped off my body during the spill, you and Gary come back to help. What then?
Granted, as an exact example this is an unlikely scenario. But it doesn't take much imagination to see the lesser circumstances where this might surface anyhow. If I play along with those who want me to simply be silent, I am then disclosed as a liar and pervert when others find out...... all my fault. I could live with this, I already knew that my label at that point would put me at fault. What do you want to do with the fact you already knew? What then, does Bob do ?
If you did so, thank you for reading all of this.
M
Subject: Just a question about something
Hello there,
I know that the struggles you have with your particular sexuality issues have made life pretty different for you both. God knows that I should be more screwed up than I am considering the background. I guess I am different and cope differently. I was doing some pretty crazy and destructive sexual things but I think that *** really did wake me up. I wanted more for him and realized that if I did not fight for him he would end up in a bad place. So I chose conservatism in life and stability over everything to change things for myself and my children.
Here is my question. I really do not discuss things of a sexual nature with everyone because it really is not anyone’s business but mine. I have been really open about sex with my kids because I did not want any teenage parents or dead people due to transmitted diseases. So far so good with that. They can come to me with problems [like *** had recently] and tell me anything and I do not judge or shun them.
When you are transgender, why do you feel that everyone needs to know every little thing? Also, another subject I have been mulling over….. If Marie is going to eventually have her operation and fully change gender, why would you look back and need to let people know about any change. I am not saying it is anything to hide, please do not misunderstand me…… I just do not understand the compulsion for everyone to know every detail of your private life.
I hope you do not take this the wrong way. I just don’t understand it.
Gary has been won over by the great person Bob is and he sees that he has lived on his own and is a stronger person. He respects that and loves Bob for the great guy he is. He trusts the person and he also can see the close relationship we have. That is the way Gary is and it will not change.
So, what is wrong with leaving well enough alone and just looking ahead? When I was in counseling the person told me that some things are just better left alone. I was so mad at Mom for so long for being weak. Guess what? If you want a relationship with a weaker person you have to make it work and shield them from things they are not equipped emotionally to hear about. Mom still does not acknowledge my years of drug abuse and crazy living. It never happened in her little world. So is it wrong to shelter this person? She had a sick [tuberculosis bedridden for lots of her childhood] mother who died when she was 12, lived with an alcoholic father off and on, and most of the time with whatever relative would have them. She then married our father who was overbearing and often just mean to her. She did the best she could.
Anyway, I am so thinking of this stuff all the time that it is waking me up at night. So, think about this and let me know your opinion. I am open to everything but that is because I am really beyond being shocked. I have pretty much seen it all……. Sadly. I want to have a perfect little life in my next life. Ha ha. This life has been good but the hard stuff is so hard. I could go for the mindless life with no trouble and everyone in my life being happy all the time. Is there such a thing?
Oh well, I will sleep better now that I have unloaded some of that. Now it’s your turn….. Sorry. Love and hugs to you both.
Sarah

Pure friends, IFGE, and that strange chicken cult!

2008-04-16T23:38:00.000-07:00

http://www.transeventsusa.org/ifge/
There is the link for the IFGE conference I attended this year, this is my chance to finally blog about it all a bit. There is so much that is flowering out of my attending the conference, that I doubt I could blog about it all, but here goes!
The picture shows Lori, Nichole, Tiana, and myself. In my mind I've very affectionately dubbed us the 4 musketeers, but perhaps it should be the 4 caballeras?
I met so many fabulous people at IFGE, but we were a core group of girls who spent a larger amount of time together there. Lori, Nichole, and I shared a room, Tiana was directly across the hall. Previously, we had all at least briefly met here in 360, via our 'hub-girl', Lori, lol! At IFGE, we finally met in real-time, and quickly solidified a wonderful friendship and sisterhood.
In such a short time, we shared so much with each other; about ourselves, our experiences, our dreams, hopes, pain and fears. Being transgendered was our initial commonality, but we transcended that and shared our humanity.
I have been living full-time for approximately 2 years, I transitioned in this same town I currently live in. All my long-time friends, and of course all of my family, knew me before transition. Our relationships are influenced by what they knew of me before. For them I can never totally be a woman they know as Marie; to some extent I'll always be the guy they knew that turned into Marie.
So one of the things I realized about the people I was meeting at IFGE, is that we were enjoying a relationship based wholly on my being myself, with no prior knowledge of who or what I used to be. And these 3 women were my first 'pure friends'! They knew me only as Marie, and I was meeting their 'True Selves' ;)
The signposts in the paths these women are travelling are some of the same signposts I have recently passed, still fresh in my heart. In more than one moment alone, I broke down in tears for the pain I know these women, these dear friends, are going through.
I had some special times with all these women, singly and together, that I will keep as very special memories all my life!
IFGE was also a place for validation and affirmation. The presenters offered so much information, much of it was fairly in line with what I have gleaned on my own. I left with a renewed determination to get the SRS train rolling for myself, and more happiness in who I am than I've known for some time.
IFGE was my first large T related event, I am SOOOO happy I attended. Certainly anyone who is trans or interested in our issues should make the next big event they can!
Finally, I have to mention about something bizarre that was happening at the conference! Every once in a while, you could hear something that sounded vaguely like a chicken squawk! I also heard some strange mutterings about roosters dressed as hens!! If any of you hears further mention of this, I'd like to know more about it!

Stranger'er and Stranger'er

2008-03-14T23:36:00.001-07:00

Ms. Kern apparently has her own 'gay agenda'. Excerpted from a post on TGO.
Sally Kern Scrubs Gay Son? http://www.queerty.com/sally-kern-scrubs-gay-son-20080312/

I truly just feel sorry for the lady, her son, and her family. The corner they've painted themselves into is narrow, cold and dark, with no room for anything but fear and hate.

LET'S SHINE A LIGHT ON THIS COCKROACH!

2008-03-12T23:25:00.000-07:00

Still more hate, fear and misunderstanding in our elected officials!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFxk7glmMbo
SALLY KERN Ms. Kern's contact information: Capitol Address: 2300 N. Lincoln Blvd. Room 332 Oklahoma City, OK 73105 (405) 557-7348. District Address: 2713 Sterling Ave., Oklahoma City, OK 73127. Email: sallykern@okhouse.gov or srkern@cox.net

More fun!

2008-03-01T00:24:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOjeZnjKlp0
Calpernia is always a hoot, gotta love her! Yes, I think I've been asked every one of those questions\comments, too. Another that annoys me the most is, "Oh, it's ok, I have a gay ". To which I sometimes wish I could say; "Well, dorkweed, once again I've been shown that people are incapable of seeing the point behind a transperson, thanks so much for your condescending acceptance, you shallow $#%$"!
Happy TGIF to you all. I've had a very busy week, hope that explains why I haven't said much ;) I'm really looking forward to the IFGE conference now, 3 whole days with good people I don't have to hear those questions from! Just don't any of you ask me about computers, I'm not touching one of those then either!
Hugs n' love!
M

A horrible loss

2008-02-17T00:18:00.000-07:00

http://www.thestar.co.uk/news/Gender-torment-of-10yearold-Cameron.3781793.jp
This news was passed to me by Kim Pearson, Executive Director of Trans-Youth Family Advocates (TYFA). She is also President of our Lake Havasu City PFLAG chapter and most importantly, a dear friend.
This follows the tragic loss of Ian Benson, son of TYFA's secretary/treasurer. Ian was a 16-year old affirmed male who took his own life in October 2007.
We see so many tragic losses in our community, for so many reasons; nothing said here should trivialize that. But I think we can all say that losing a child has to be the most grievous loss imaginable. These bright stars in our constellation have winked out, their shine is lost forever; all we have left is their bright memory.
TYFA is working to eliminate these losses, and is in turn creating a better environment for all of us. Nothing can change the mind of a parent easier than something that impacts their children. TYFA works across the country to bring understanding, education, and advocacy for trans-children of all ages throughout the gender spectrum. Their work is educating and changing the minds of parents and educators across the country. That greater understanding of our gender diversity is a huge boon to all of us.
TYFA started out as a grass-roots effort supported entirely out of the pockets of it's members. Their members travel across the country to schools and cities wherever their help is needed, providing training and literature; again, almost entirely funded by these wonderful people. They have seen many successes, and secured some considerable donations that have enabled them to continue their work. But they need continued financial support to maintain and expand their efforts.
Please take the time to visit their site, and give generously what you can towards their efforts. Spread the word to your own friends everywhere so we may continue to inform others of this fabulous resource; and convey TYFA's need for support.
http://www.imatyfa.org/index.php

Project an irrefutable female essence

2008-02-11T00:14:00.000-07:00

First, let me say that I don't like to toot my own horn, so please don't take any of my comments as arrogance! But I think this picture is one of my first instances where I was truly projecting my own female essence, though at the time I thought it was simply because of how I was dressed.
In the movie "Beautiful Boxer", the transgender main character's male name is Nong Toom, her female name is Parinaya. Nong Toom is haunted throughout the movie by the elusive vision of herself. Once she accepts herself, the visions go away; until the poignant end of the movie. Parinaya is seen after her surgery, alone in her dressing room where she says goodbye to a vision of her old male self.
Though I have not yet had surgery myself, I find I am at much the same position. Parinaya's voyage of acceptance and realization is condensed into a movie, whereas my own is something that has been developing over a long period. The signposts in this voyage flash by ever faster as time goes on, I hope by explaining how some of them have passed for me will help any of you. I need to mark them down myself as well, and I think those reasons are why most of us blog here.
Approximately 2 years ago, as the last hindrances to entering transition (some of them self-imposed) dropped away, I was faced with accepting my need for it and facing my fears about doing so. Chief among the fears was my ability to 'pass'. Even before entering transition, I was so long caught up in the trappings of femininity; the clothes, makeup, walking and talking. I at first neglected to pay attention to or believe in my underlying female essence.
After accepting it, I began to see instances where that essence was evident to others, before hormones and without my even trying. My favorite involved my running into the local UPS office to drop off a package for shipment. After concluding our business, the clerk said "Thank you, Miss". With no makeup, collared shirt and men's pants and shoes. I certainly didn't think I was presenting a female vision. The only outward things possibly contributing to this were my long hair, my softening voice, the effects of many sessions of laser hair removal, and maybe that my shirt was purple! After getting over my desire to marry him on the spot, I said my thanks and left the store. Looking at this later, I realized I had stopped trying to be a guy any longer.
As Parinaya did, I was beginning to say goodbye to the male facade I had put up for so long. Realizing that it really was just a facade was scary in itself, as that facade has been my protection and face on the world for a very long time. Accepting and believing in my real female essence has been a gradual process, and it involves saying goodbye to that old comfortable facade. In what has been a sort of death to all of them, my friends have already largely said goodbye to my male self and begun to know my real self. Like saying goodbye to a loved one, I am still lingering over that old self a bit.
So the outer trappings are no doubt important, but just as vital is that self-acceptance and belief in your own female essence. When you believe in it yourself, and just relax, you will find it projects to the world. Even when others can 'read' or tell you are trans, your true essence will be irrefutable and those kind enough not to judge will respond.
I suspect these sorts of experiences are common to us all, so I (and everyone else, I think) would love to hear about others stories. Please tell us how your essence was revealed to you by others, when you didn't even suspect it was showing.

I've lost it

2008-01-19T00:07:00.000-07:00

I've been actively dating now for over a year; and I've been wanting to share my experiences here for some time. Both to help some of you see what you have to look forward to, and also to seek help, suggestions, and commiseration about dealing with some of the things I've encountered.
I recently wrote the following letter to somebody who is interested in dating me, he is getting serious very quickly. Of course, I've sanitized it of his info, and it's missing the introduction paragraph:
Have you had experience with transwomen before? Even if you have, I would appreciate if you spend some time on this website:
www.tsgirlfriend.com
Still, I'd like to explain about SRS/FFS. SRS is Sex Reassignment Surgery, one of several names for the surgery to construct a vagina in place of my penis. FFS is Facial Feminization Surgery, the variety of procedures that correct underlying masculine features in the face. Despite what you may think of my appearance, I am sensitive about those characteristics I do still have that are distinctly male.
When someone is interested in me because I am TS, rather than seeing me simply as a woman, I am suspicious of how they will feel when I pursue these surgeries. Even when someone may state they believe it won't make a difference, I am still reserved in my belief that it will hold true when that reality occurs. I fully believe in your sincerity and good intentions, but it's not so easy to grasp this reality before it happens.
My own transition has seen me change my outlook on things I previously thought would never change. Hormones are indeed powerful, there has already been a fundamental rewiring of how I look at things. I can see other changes still gradually taking place as well. Indeed, I AM becomming the woman I always thought I was, not so different from any other woman you might have encountered.
By necessity, primarily out of honesty, I must identify myself as TS; but the whole reason I am pursuing this is because I am a woman, that is my essence. ANY male qualities I may still possess are likely things I am trying to erase; so when a man states he enjoys being with me because of any of those qualities, it doesn't bode well for the future. I will likely lose those qualities, and any I do not I would rather not be reminded about. So I have to ask; when I am no longer the person or no longer look like what the man was initially attracted to, will he stick around? When my marriage dissolved, I lost the ability to believe in forever from anybody.
So there you have it, that says what my insecurities are when I begin to get to know a man. As I re-read it, it sounds dead on right too; I don't think I've ever set it down in writing so clearly. I have yet to see my suspicions about these things be denied in my experiences with other men. Perhaps I am causing some of it myself because of these insecurities; but they are there nonetheless and this is what WE would have to overcome.
How you feel about having sex with someone who was previously male, how you will feel about seeing old pictures of me, how you will deal with your own family and loved ones, these are also questions for me. I cannot obliterate my past, I don't wish to. All the things that have transpired in my life have made me who I am, I am not ashamed of them. I am very open about myself with everyone; I refuse to hide anything anymore. Will you be able to be so open with your family and friends about me?
.....sigh! If I have not scared you away yet, I applaud your willingness to listen about my baggage. I wish I could forget all about these things and simply be seen as a woman with someone from the outset. But if I refuse to part with my past, that can never happen; it will always be a fundamental part of how I must deal with others.
"I lost the ability to believe in forever from anybody". That is what I was referring to in my blog title. I had a little epiphany while writing this letter, summarized in that statement.
It's emblematic of what has been going on for me with everyone. I don't really trust anything anyone tells me anymore. I try to lead with trust, and at least outwardly believe in what people say to me. But deep down, there's a seed of disbelief, the certain knowledge that they will eventually show that they didn't really mean what they were saying or what they promised after all.
And from that seed lies the plant that always turns into a redwood between us. I cannot truly let myself go to anyone anymore. There's always something in reserve, locked away from exposure. The little pink fleshy thing that feels like it's been steamrolled and BBQ'ed so many times is what I do put out every time, and every time I reel it back in and pick the grit out of it. Then I send her out again. Does it always get kicked back because it doesn't go out with that other locked up part?

One just for fun! WARNING, CRUDE JOKES AHEAD!

2008-01-17T00:02:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm normally too vain to do something like this, but for fun I'm ready to take one for the girls!
First, I saw Li'l Lori D put up hers, then I saw Jamiegotagun, and a couple others. So here is kooky Marie's morning mug shot on her way to glamor. Maybe we can have a competition, wuddayathink? If this doesn't turn back the trannie-chasers, I don't know what will, lol!
Speaking of, one day I was talking on the phone to my brother who lives in Oregon. He was telling me about his car troubles and he says, "The trannie went out in my car...". Sometimes lightning strikes between the 2 lonely neurons in my head; it did this time and I instantly piped up, "That's okay, I go out in my car all the time!" Now that's funny right there, I don't care who you are, lol. Oh come on, laugh!
OK, what do you call two crossdressers wrapped in aluminum foil?
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-
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A TV dinner, bwaahhhh!

Empathy and guilt

2008-01-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

http://www.amazon.com/Head-Over-Heels-Cross-Dressers-Transsexuals/dp/0789030950
This is a book recommendation, mostly meant for those TG's who are married. It's something I wish I had read long before my marriage disintegrated. The link is to the Amazon web site, but you can possibly shop for the book cheaper.
The empathy many of us have, by nature, I think is a reflection of our feminine selves. This same empathy may lead to guilt within ourselves for the position we put our wives into by pursuing transition or crossdressing. For myself, I blindly felt I understood my wife's position. After reading this book I found that there were facets to a woman's upbringing that I hadn't even considered, which were impacted by my crossdressing and transition. Despite our feminine natures, since we were not raised as women we cannot possibly see all of the ways this may be affecting our wives.
The guilt we feel is understandable, but if you wish to have true empathy with your wife, I think you must understand her position better. This book may help you do so. I must also remind you all that an experienced counselor can be invaluable at a time like this. We may believe we have control of the situation we are in with our family, and we want to solve 'the problem' by ourselves. I believe this is a naive, 'throw on the toolbelt' attitude, possibly something we have ingrained as a result of our male upbringing. What your wife needs more is for you to understand her position. A counselor can provide an objective viewpoint that will help you understand each other better. I must stress that an EXPERIENCED counselor is imperitive, particularly one who has experience with gender and sexuality issues; but any competent unbiased counselor should be helpful.
While not impossible, it still isn't a statistically likely outcome that your marriage will be saved and you'll grow old together as women. Sometimes we may be trying to fix our marriage not because of our love for our wife, but because of the guilt we feel for having caused it's dissolution. We don't want it to be 'our fault'. While GID may be the cause of your marriage not being retrievable, the GID is not your fault. You must also look honestly inside yourself to see what end outcome your transition will have on you and your wife's sexuality. All the love in the world will not change the fact your wife married and wants to live with a man. But if you and your wife have the true desire to live, love, and grow old together as women, I hope this advice helps.
Two years later, if I knew I could do it with peace of mind, I can say I would still have given up transition to have kept my family. That wasn't an option, but I do wish I had found outside help for us both.

Marie's Milk Chocolate Philosophy

2008-01-06T23:35:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUEvtEYfsd0
OK, the pic and the video are besides the point, lol! Poor wittle bunnies!!
By way of definition, 'cisgendered' is the term one can use to describe a person who has a homogenous gender identity and biological gender. I'm not big on labels, but it will help simplify what I am about to explain.
One of the things you may have the hardest time getting across to others, as a TS, is how our sexual orientation is completely seperate from our psychological gender. Another thing that is hard to get a cisgendered person to understand, is how our psychological gender can be seperate from our physical gender.
"Marie's Milk Chocolate Philosophy" is something I came up with to help explain this.
As a child, what is the first type of chocolate you ever encountered? Most people will readily pipe up with 'milk chocolate'. Between Halloween, Easter, and Christmas, one can hardly escape first being exposed to chocolate in this form. Yeah, there'll always be some wise-ass who says "Cocoa"! But most would agree that milk chocolate is what we first came across.
So after we encountered milk-chocolate, as far as we were concerned in our unexperienced child mind, that was 'chocolate'. If someone at that point tried to tell you that what you thought was 'chocolate' was actually a mix of two things, and not really just chocolate at all, you might not believe them. You might not even care, since you enjoyed milk-chocolate so much. You may have even avoided other forms of chocolate, writing them off as 'not real chocolate'. After all, we as people tend to consider as alien anything that is challenging to our current understanding of something.
But as time went on, we were able to see and experience chocolate, and milk, in all their various and wonderful forms. Dutch chocolate, white chocolate, dark chocolate, sweet and semi-sweet chocolate! White milk, chocolate milk, goats milk, frozen milk, half-and-half! We had visual and tactile proof that 'chocolate' was indeed two things completely seperate from one another. We also realized the great variety of these two things and found the value and validity in each of their different forms. Some of us may have even found that we preferred other types of chocolate over milk chocolate!
Yet without those visual and tactile things to help us understand, it is very difficult for us as people to give validity to the seperation of something we consider so elemental and indivisible.
I think most of you can run with that from here......whadda ya think?

I'm OK

2007-12-28T23:32:00.000-07:00

Lori made me do it, but all of us who are enjoying the relative serenity in our lives to do so are doing it. Our blog look back at the road we've travelled recently, or perhaps at the whole year's worth.
That photo says it, right there. My attitude at the moment for all the dissapointments and misfortunes I've seen. And it's set to the song, from Styx, 'I'm OK'. Screw it, I'm moving on! To everyone and everything that's been in my way, a great big rasberry to it all.
Lori also reminded me of the real reason I started this entry. To all of you who've shared of yourselves here, bless you! I am richer for it, we all have enjoyed the benefit of each other's experience and counsel. And, Lori again (bless you girl), I agree. Pouring out my story has been cathartic for me, but my real hope in being here has been that someone else, in any small way, could find help, solace, anything at all that helped them 'keep moving on'.
We've all been travelling a similar road, each of us at a different point on the way. For those who are at the rockiest points, please stick with us. We were there too, so we can say; if you just 'keep moving on', you'll have to pass beyond those rocky ways eventually, and you'll find yourself kicking stones out of your way, walking a smoother path.
Love, hope, and serenity to you all. When that person you've been searching for is suddenly peering back at you, in any small way, you might even be startled to find she's just who you thought she was. Just sing with me......Iiiiiiiiii'm Okaaaay!

Please see this movie!

2007-12-10T23:30:00.000-07:00

I have to ask everyone with the least interest in anything transgendered, to see this movie, Beautiful Boxer. This is by far the best movie with a transgender subject line I have ever seen.
It's the story of a Muay-Thai kickboxer, Nong-Toom, who makes her transition while still competing in kickboxing. It's a foreign movie with subtitles, but it's one of those that will make you forget you are reading subtitles.
There is one error in the movie caused by the Thai-English subtitle translation; she is referred to as being a transvestite, though she is transexual.
Most MTF TS's have a similar story, but her story so closely parallels mine! I strongly identify with her experience, with the chief parallel having been my military service. Her realization of self and childhood experiences are very similar to mine. Even outside of the transgender subject matter, it is a fabulous movie. MUST SEE!

She's baaaaack!

2007-12-10T23:26:00.000-07:00

Good heavens, time does fly!
It's been an exciting year, I must say. Notable events since my last blog entry included attending the 2007 Fetish and Fantasy Ball in Las Vegas, NV. I also traveled to the Pacific Northwest to visit family, we had a mini-reunion there. My roommate Stacey has moved out and found her own place, and I've been found by a very special man who is becomming a major part of my life.
I'll fill in on these events in seperate entries, but there is a picture of me and my friend Edie at the '07 Ball. Can you guess what our characters were?

Pages

2007-05-08T22:25:00.000-07:00

Good heavens, so much for the blog lag time! It's been quite a busy past few months, to say the least.
HRT is going well, no unexpected bad side effects. Good one's include breast development, decreased body hair and ejaculate; spontaneous erections are a thing of the past. My friends tell me my features are softening, of course that is hard for me to tell; I see my mug every day! The tape measure tells a story too. It's strange, my bust measurement this month has gone down an inch, even though I have visibly larger breasts; my chest measurement increased an inch. And a whopping 2 inches increase on my posterior! Do these make my butt look too big, LOL!?
After a period of fighting and arguing all the time, my roommate and I are getting along better, that is a huge blessing. I'm Felix and she is Oscar, if that tells you anything. She was also without work for the month of March, the money strain made things very difficult.
My divorce was final in March, I cried all the way home from the courthouse. A page turns, and bursts into flames, lost to me forever. I know I am fortunate we are still amicable, I kept my house, and I have access to my son. But my family was the most important thing to me; if I could do it with peace of mind, I would take it all back in an instant.
Also in March, my legal name change was completed; as far as the State of Arizona is concerned, I am Marie J Aponte, single white female!!!
Was March an important month? I guess!
Take care friends!
Marie

Kindness of strangers

2006-11-27T23:23:00.000-07:00

The time does fly......
Nearly 1 month on spiro is past, I'm only on 100mg/day right now, taking it slow. No bad side effects. I am seeing fewer spontaneous erections, and I feel calmer most of the time. Nothing else noticeable yet, we will see about upping the doseage next month. I will start the estrogen after this week too, 2mg/day for the first week, then 4mg/day afterwards. I will have follow-up labs in January.
My son was here for Thanksgiving, I picked him up Wednesday in Glamis as usual. Had some misadventure on the way with the '83 Suburban I just bought. I had checked the water before leaving, but left the radiator cap sitting on the the fender! It didn't get hot for over 100 miles, just before I hit Palo Verde, but I pulled over as soon as it did. One of the farmers there stopped and went to get water for me and brought it back! There are still nice people in this world. Luckily the cap was still sitting on the fender, so after refilling it, I was back on my way, everything was fine. We went motorcycle riding all day Saturday, my usual freinds were present, plus the President of our PFLAG chapter and her son. Stacey came out later in the day too after she got off of work, we had a great time.
Happy Holidays to everyone!

Fetish and Fantasy

2006-11-02T23:03:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm sure getting the BLT down, aren't I?
What a month! First and foremost, I had my follow-up appointment with my doctor! As promised, she has agreed to help me with HRT I left her office with the script for estrogen and spiro, and I finally filled them yesterday. After dreaming so long about this, it was scary to finally be realizing it. Filling the prescription was no problem, and it was accepted by the insurance, whew!
I called my freinds in town to let them know, and I'm trying to set up a puberty party with them this weekend, lol! It really will be like entering puberty again, lucky me, huh? I feel for Stacey, it's gonna get challenging here putting up with the possible/probable mood swings. I'm going slowly with the dosages though, hopefully it won't be too bad.
As if that wasn't exciting enough, we had the PFLAG meeting the following evening. It was very nice, there were many interesting people there. Kim, the president, is a very dynamic person. Stacey and I both became members and it looks like I'll be going to Phoenix to attend classes so I can be a facilitator for the meetings. I was an instructor for many years during my time in the USN, so I'm used to talking in front of others. I look forward to helping the group out as much as I can.
And of course, there was the Halloween party! Stacey and I left Sat morning for Vegas to meet Edie (Eden), my TG freind from San Diego. We had a great room at the Stardust, this is also where the Halloween ball was held. We learned while we were there that the Stardust is closing, they are going to demolish it and build a new casino/hotel! We were among the last guests staying there, as of yesterday it is closed!
The ball was incredible! Stacey went as the Queen of Hearts, leading little Alice around on her leash! Edie was Goldilocks, she was very cute! We had lots of attention all night long! The entertainment was amazing, the costumes kept our heads turning all night trying to take it all in. The Travel Channel listed this as one of the top 10 events in the world to attend, they were not kidding! I heartily recommend anyone who is interested to attend next years event, you will not be dissapointed. You can look at their website for details, http://www.halloweenball.com/.
OK, that's all for now. What can I do with a pair of white patent leather go-go boots?............

Reaching out

2006-10-22T22:02:00.000-07:00

October is nearly spent already! It's really been nice since the weather cooled down. Still have not had a motorcycle ride yet though!
I finally went to see a doctor about HRT! Stacey went with me for support, and it was a huge relief. I had not been this nervous about anything in my transition since I finished coming out to my family and freinds. I know that hormones do not make one a woman, but getting HRT is still sort of a gateway to real transition; if I could not start with a doctor's help, I would have been forced to go DIY.
I didn't walk out with a prescription, of course, but I did not get turned away either! The doctor and nurses were all very nice. The doctor listened to me, and after admitting she did not know what the course of treatment is for MTF HRT, took in all the information I presented to her. She said she was not going to turn me away, and scheduled a follow on appointment, and OMG, it's already only 2 days away for that!
I also had a visit last weekend from both Galen and Michele. Galen is a TG person I have talked with on IM for several months. She came all the way from Pinetop, AZ to meet Stacey and I. She is really just beginning to explore herself after realizing she is TG, much the same place I was in my early 20's.
Michele is an owner/moderator for Transgender Outreach, a Yahoo support group I have been a member of for quite some time. She has had a tumultuous past few months, as her BF has broken things off with her after a summer together in OR. Things had looked so good for her! Still, she is forging on, and I admire her strength.
Finally, I received a call from the organizer of a new local chapter of PFLAG (Parents and Family of Lesbian And Gay). The first meeting will be this Wednesday! They are a support and advocacy group that includes the transgendered. The organizer has a TG son who attends school here. I've been trying to reach out here to others (on a non sexual basis), this is the first positive contact I have made.
Next big event, the Halloween Party! Woo-Hoo!
MJ

Lag

2006-09-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

BLT=1 month!
OK, just a quick one, busy,busy!
My son did make it here for Labor Day, we had a great time. I met his mother in Glamis to pick him up. We played games, watched movies, and put together/launched model rockets.
He and Stacey got along great, the dogs loved him too.
I took Zachary all the way back to San Diego, as I had to get a new military retiree ID card. After dropping Zachary off at home, I spent the remainder of the day with Eden in Encinitas. She graciously allowed me to stay over the night, since the ID place was closed for the weekend. We went to a wonderful Italian restaurant for dinner, then a visit to the beach, and breakfast the next morning. We had wonderful conversation, she is a very kind person. I and Stacey look forward to seeing her in Las Vegas.
It's finally cooling off here in the desert, we only hit 100 last Saturday! Motorcycle riding weather is back. Better up the health insurance, lol!

BLT

2006-08-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

OK, well I have my blog lag time down to 3 months! I think that's a scientific term, BLT=3 months, lol. Acronyms! Take the girl out of the military, but you can't take the military out of the girl!
My May 15 full-time (FT) date slipped to 17 May instead. Which means that as of today, I AM 3 MONTHS FT! Woo-Hooo!
Gosh, what a summer!
Most of my customers have been fantastic about my transition, though I did have 2-3 refuse my services after I told them. Their loss!
I have the first visit of my son since the seperation coming up, he is going to stay for the Labor Day weekend. I just was not up to anything sooner, though I miss him dearly.
Stacey and I are going to Lost Wages for a Halloween party, see http://www.halloweenball.com/ for details. The picture shows my Alice in Wonderland costume! LOL! Yes, really! Buy your tickets and join us! My new freind Eden will also attend, she is currently going as Jeannie! Stacey wants to go as the Queen of Hearts, in keeping with the Alice theme.
I still have not started HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). I have been procrastinating, I think I am afraid of rejection by the doctors here in my town, so I have not even asked or set any appointments. I can still do HRT by myself, but I would rather have a doctor helping. Some freinds have helped me find motivation though, and I am moving towards this.
Business has been just crazy, I think the early monsoon (the local term for hot-humid weather, though literally it means 'weather change') has been the cause. Everyone is staying inside and breaking their computers!
OK, gotta scoot, business calls!

Name a rose

2006-05-13T21:54:00.000-07:00

Holy Mackeral, December since I did anything here!
Needless to say, it's been a busy few months:
1. The wife moved out in March. She has our son with her
2. I changed my mind about keeping the house, so I refinanced it and bought out the wife.
3. I've had 2 laser treatments, just got done with the fallout from the last one.
4. I had a 4 day campout over Easter with Stacey and all my local freinds, was out the entire time as myself. Hence the fish picture, the guys caught this monster one night.
5. Stacey, my freind from Las Vegas, has moved here and is my new roommate/SO.
6. I set a full-time date of May 15. Yikes, 2 days from now
7. The name contest is over! Marie Julieanne Aponte is hereby christened. Got the notarized Declaration of Name Change to prove it.
So much to talk about on each count. I will try to do more on this later.

Rollercoaster

2005-12-23T22:53:00.000-07:00

I was with a couple who are probably my closest freinds in town last night, and I could not have asked for better support from these dear freinds. I feel like a fool sometimes for worrying, so many of my fears about what people would say have been unfounded. I went home last night floating, much better outlook on things today!
Marie Coogan needs a middle name, the lottery continues! In what is a long story, I want something that starts with 'J' (I could then go by MJ, like Spiderman's girlfreind, like I said, long story). My freinds called this morning to suggest Isabella! I do like the mediterranean sound of it! That is when I thought of Janine. The only other that has sounded good so far was Joy. Janine is at the top of the list so far!
I'll be travelling to Tucson area tomorrow to visit with Kimberly and Michael. Yet another weekend as myself without worrying about it! Woo-Hoo!

Coming

2005-12-21T22:52:00.000-07:00

Spent a nice evening with some of my few close freinds here, trying to find a good time to come out to them. Couldn't bear to impose on their holiday so I let it go. It's like admitting a lie, and I hate liars. So Im still lying to them. Got another chance with other freinds tomorrow. Am I being selfish getting my heart out in the midst of their enjoying the holiday? Forcing them to deal with this too? Arrrgh!

Ascention.....

2005-12-20T22:24:00.002-07:00

My energy’s spent at last
And my armor is destroyed
I have used up all my weapons and I’m helpless and bereaved
Wounds are all I’m made of
Did I hear you say that this is victory?

We kick and scratch and claw to naught but a jack-a-nape toy.
Damn the darkness, I'll not slip quietly to gray autumn.
A summit, gilded through haze, taunts me nonetheless.
E'er the veils do press before me, e'er will I hack them away.
Sword slivers in my hand, breastplate cruel to my flesh; cast them away.
But a blazing heart to crest the mount, cherished affectations paper-thin.
Stand at the climax and shout to the ether, dare you cast me as chaff to the wind!
Fates howling at tempest, trembling and steadfast I am lashed.

Chaos ebbs to dawn, blackness fades to light.
Enveloped in tranquil stillness, husks litter my feet.
At the nadir, many tiny eyes, like lasers aspire to the summit. Seeming unbidden from my breast, a gilded light pours forth.
The tiny eyes shine with purpose, and gazing back, the summit shines anew.
And I descend the other side, summits ahead in my gaze.